Gorilla Trapping.

[FAX]

Well, here's the problem as I see it. Bananas might work, but gorillas in the wild aren't used to finding them just laying on the ground. Gorillas are likely genetically inclined to climbing trees for those and distrustful of earth-bound bananas. Alternatively, using a sexually attractive female gorilla for bait is a possibility. Unfortunately, selecting an attractive female gorilla is difficult at best, I mean, how can you tell what a gorilla looks for in a girl? Flat nose? Sloping forehead?

Then, there's the problem of the trapping device itself. Do you use a big net and sling up the gorilla with snare ropes when he comes by? Or, do you use a bamboo box trap hung from the trees and drop it on the bugger? How fast are gorillas anyway? Anybody know? The one thing you don't want is an almost trapped, pissed off gorilla looking for the big joker that tried to catch him in a box.

I know that you, the Planeteers, are men of science and are well versed in the ways of metalurgy, explosives, and sexual tension. So, I figured that, if a guy wants to know how to trap a gorilla, this would be the best place to start. To that end, please advise as to the methods you would employ and thanks.

FAX

Disclaimers: Sorry if repost.

[Simplex3]

Originally Posted by FAX

Why would he do that, Mr. Simplex3?

Is Mr. Rain Man some kind of gorilla lover? Likes big hairy guys with short bowed legs? Hanging out in the trees picking lice off his buddies? Doing the big gorilla dance in the African moonlight? Playing hide the banana? We're talking gorilla trapping here, not some wacky ass, save the species, environmentalist, tree kissing, oh-look-at-the-nice-gorilla-honey-through-your-binoculars kind of sport.

FAX

...because there's nobody around here half as f**king nuts as he is.

[Zebedee DuBois]

Mr. FAX,

Upon reflection, I would advise you to disregard any and all advise or conjecture I rendered on the subject of gorilla catching. I spent the better part of the 1980s, and a small Brinks truck full of quarters, trying to catch one gorilla. Every time I got close, he climbed up another level and threw more barrels at me.

Regretfully,
Zeb

[88TG88]

problem solved

[HonestChieffan]

I have a problem with this thread. We have no plan on gorilla utilization nor a plan that deals with two if we use the girl gorilla strategy.

[RJ]

Three words about gorilla catching.

Barrel O Monkeys

[Simplex3]

Originally Posted by Zebedee DuBois

Mr. FAX,

Upon reflection, I would advise you to disregard any and all advise or conjecture I rendered on the subject of gorilla catching. I spent the better part of the 1980s, and a small Brinks truck full of quarters, trying to catch one gorilla. Every time I got close, he climbed up another level and threw more barrels at me.

Regretfully,
Zeb

Thread closed.

[FAX]

Originally Posted by Simplex3

...because there's nobody around here half as f**king nuts as he is.

Well that may be true, Mr. Simplex3. But, I'm pretty sure that Mr. Rain Man's suggestion will have something to do with asking the gorilla about 500 questions about whether he'd like to live on spider island, how to populate the all injury NFL team, or which icecream makes the best brake fluid.

Personally, I don't see how that's going to lead to a gorilla capture.

FAX

[RJ]

Originally Posted by Zebedee DuBois

Mr. FAX,

Upon reflection, I would advise you to disregard any and all advise or conjecture I rendered on the subject of gorilla catching. I spent the better part of the 1980s, and a small Brinks truck full of quarters, trying to catch one gorilla. Every time I got close, he climbed up another level and threw more barrels at me.

Regretfully,
Zeb

Oh great, now I'm gonna have that music running through my head the rest of the night.

I, too, spent far too much time and money chasing that gorilla......^.......^.......^.......dammit!

[RJ]

Also, remember this adage...."The way to a gorilla's heart is through his stomach".

[Simplex3]

Originally Posted by FAX

Well that may be true, Mr. Simplex3. But, I'm pretty sure that Mr. Rain Man's suggestion will have something to do with asking the gorilla about 500 questions about whether he'd like to live on spider island, how to populate the all injury NFL team, or which icecream makes the best brake fluid.

Personally, I don't see how that's going to lead to a gorilla capture.

FAX

You've been to the mall when those a**hole marketing people are there, right? So basically here's how it works:

1. You approach monkey, clipboard in hand, bored-off-your-ass expression on your face.

2. You ask him if you can have a minute of his time in the most monotone voice you can muster, preferably never looking above his knees.

3. When he mumbles about how he's busy, plead that if he doesn't help your manager will fire you.

4. When you get him in the little room, in the most uncomfortable chair ever designed by a human being, you bore him to death with reeruned questions.

It's by far the simplest plan we have going.

[Simplex3]

Originally Posted by RJ

Also, remember this adage...."The way to a gorilla's heart is through his stomach".

Huh. I usually just go through the rib cage, Mortal Kombat style.

[Adept Havelock]

Originally Posted by Simplex3

Huh. I usually just go through the rib cage, Mortal Kombat style.

"Elmotality"?

[Simplex3]

Originally Posted by Adept Havelock

"Elmotality"?

Just wait until the day I unleash my army of Tickle-Me Elmo assassins. And here you rubes thought those were just highly annoying children's toys.

[FAX]

Maybe we just send Mr. frazod up the friggin' tree after him if he doesn't come down all peaceful like.

FAX

[Adept Havelock]

Originally Posted by FAX

Maybe we just send Mr. frazod up the friggin' tree after him if he doesn't come down all quiet like.

FAX

Then we'd need a thread on how to dress a hostile gorilla as a refrigerator, wouldn't we?

Or am I confusing frazod with another Planeteer?