Clean jokes can be funny too!

[Frankie]

Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them.

Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts.

[Rooster]

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "He's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

[bkkcoh]

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.


An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:

"He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?

[bkkcoh]

A baby boy was just born. He had all his parts and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing.

I mean laughing real hard.

All the doctors and nurses were examining the little guy, in front of his worried parents. But he kept on laughing. His tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes.

One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded his tiny fingers to check to see if his hand was all right.

And guess what he found?

Scroll down to find out!

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The birth control pill!

[bkkcoh]

Lloyd was teeing off from the back tees. On his down-swing, he suddenly realized that his wife, Jean, was about to tee off from the red tees, directly in his path. Unable to stop his down swing he nailed the ball, hit Jean directly in the right temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later Lloyd received a call from the coroner concerning her autopsy . "Lloyd, your wife seems to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and struck her in the temple. Is that correct?"

"Yes sir," Lloyd replied, "that's correct."

"Well, Lloyd, I also found a large bruise on Jean's right hip. Do you know anything about that?"

"Yes sir," Lloyd said, "That would have been my mulligan."

[Gonzo]

Originally Posted by bkkcoh

A baby boy was just born. He had all his parts and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing.

I mean laughing real hard.

All the doctors and nurses were examining the little guy, in front of his worried parents. But he kept on laughing. His tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes.

One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded his tiny fingers to check to see if his hand was all right.

And guess what he found?

Scroll down to find out!

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The birth control pill!

[Eleazar]

A bounty hunter in the old west is looking for a man named Juan Rivera, who robbed a bank and escaped with a very large sum of money.

Hearing that Juan Rivera is in a particular town, the bounty hunter goes into the local saloon. Only two men are in the place, the bartender and a man sitting at a table in the corner. The bounty hunter walks up to the bartender.

"I'm looking for Juan Rivera."

The bartender replies. "Shh! He's right over there!"

The bounty hunter asks the bartender to translate with the Spanish-speaking outlaw for him, and he walks up to Juan Rivera.

"Ask him if he's Juan Rivera", the bounty hunter said. The bartender does, and the man nods yes.

"Tell him that I'm here for the money he stole, and if he's willing to tell me where the money is so I can collect it, I'll let him go free. But if he won't turn over the money, I have orders to shoot him on the spot."

The bartender relays the message. Juan Rivera thinks for a moment, then tells the bartender that the money could be found at the end of an old dirt road, where an abandoned mine shaft was. By lowering one's self down over the ledge, and loosening the boards covering a closed tunnel, crawling in and digging three feet to the left of a large rock, one could locate the stash of hundreds of thousands of dollars.

The bartender replied, "Juan Rivera says to go ahead and shoot."

[bkkcoh]

- Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.

- You know the only people in this world who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who have never had any!

- Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.

- God gave you two ears and one mouth ... so you should listen twice as much as you talk.

- Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grand children..

- Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

- The joy of motherhood: what a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.

- The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere - and hide the keys to the car.

- Avenge yourself - live long enough to be a problem to your children.

- To be in your children's memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.

- Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.

- If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labour.

- There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother's age.

- Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

- No wonder kids are confused today. Half the adults tell them to find themselves; the other half tells them to get lost.

- The people hardest to convince that it's time for retirement are children at bedtime.

[Duck Dog]

Man comes home and yells; "Honey, pack your bags, I just won the lottery!" She says, "what should I pack summer or winter?" He replies, "I don't care as long as your out of here by noon."

[Duck Dog]

Man comes home and finds his wife packing her clothes. "Where are you going?", says the husband. The woman replies, "I'm moving to Las Vegas".

He says, "why are you moving to Vegas?" She sneers at him and says, "because I can make $500.00 in Vegas doing what I give you for free".

The woman looks over and sees the man packing his clothes. "Where are you going?" she says. The man answers, "Vegas".

"Why are you following me to Vegas?" He retorts, "because I want to see how you live on $500.00 a year".

[Lzen]

Originally Posted by Rooster

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "He's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

[PHOG]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.




His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.





"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."





"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.





"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."





"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.





"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."





And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.





Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.


They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.





Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.





Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...


The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.





"Now it's time to visit heaven."





So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.





"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."





The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."





So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.





Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.





He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.





The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"





The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......





"Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

[bkkcoh]

PARENT

Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!

POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long term, team players needed, for challenging
permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis..

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right..


THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!! **

If you are fortunate enough, you will become grandparents!

[Rooster]

One day, three elderly golfers were having their weekly round when the 60-year-old said, "Well, life sure gets tough when you get on in years."

His 70-year-old companion asked what he meant. The younger man said "Well, every day I wake up at 6:00 am and want to pee, however, no matter how I try it wont come. I run water, shake it, but nothing happens."

The 70-year-old finished putting, thought and said, "Man, you got it easy. Every day I wake up at 6:00 and want to poo. No matter how hard I grunt and strain, no luck. Even medicine doesn’t work."

Their older partner, an 80-year-old who had been quietly listening decided to speak up. "You’re both lucky. My problems are much worse. Every day I pee at 6:00 and every day I poo at 6:05."

His friends looked at him and asked, "How can that be so bad?"

The older man replied, "I don't wake up until 6:30."

[Rooster]

A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.

So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.

"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.

"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."

"That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"

The woman replied, "All of them, of course!"

[bkkcoh]

If you think technology has changed the work world, just take a look at what's happening in Never-Never Land. A recent update reports that today:

Little Bo Peep never loses sheep because of their embedded silicon identity chips.

Cinderella searches for her prince on Match.com--and leases her pumpkin-colored SUV at Avis.com.

Hansel and Gretel use the GPS rather than breadcrumbs but have reported problems stuffing the wicked witch into her microwave oven.

To avoid travel stress, Alice now plans her Wonderland vacation with velocity.com.

A reformed Ebenezer Scrooge sends Bob Cratchett to update his certification for Excel and Quiken.

Jack's making a fortune on his beanstalk bioengineering breakthrough.

Old McDonald uses voice recognition to make ordering easy at his agricultural auction site: http://www.eieio.com.

Romeo and Juliet avoid tragic problems by keeping in touch through their cell phones.

With her early Web capabilities, Charlotte is now a motivational speaker at tech conferences around the world.

The Pied Piper switched career fields after his tunes were bootlegged on Napster.

King Arthur has replaced that expensive round table with satellite videoconferencing.

Gulliver is on sabbatical using up all his frequent-flyer miles.

Jack and Jill order their Evian on peapod.com.