OT-Broken Heart?!

[jaa1025]

EDIT: Holy Shit I was a pussy!

Anyways, this bitch texted me 4 years later last night. "oops, that was to the wrong JXXXXX...anyways how are you". She's married now for 5 months but wants to get together to hook up. Says that the sex was great and missed it. Apparently she's a swinger and her husband is cool with it. Part of me wants to do it because the sex was great but I have moral issues.

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How the F*** do you fix this stupid thing? Hope for lightning to strike you or a tornado to take you away??

I figured becoming a man slut and sleeping with every random girl that I could would help, but I'd probably end up regretting that somehow.

How the F*** do you fix this stupid thing? Hope for lightning to strike you or a tornado to take you away??

I figured becoming a man slut and sleeping with every random girl that I could would help, but I'd probably end up regretting that somehow.

Summery of the happenings.

Jane Doe and I dated for a little over 3 months. She's beautiful, sweet and we both really liked (loved) each other. She has one hang up though....she's confused about what she wants. She "wants a relationship, but isn't ready...and won't be for a long time". She "love's" me, but that didn't change her wanting to date other people. She was in a long relationship, year and a half and was engaged that ended in January. She was afraid I would be the rebound guy.

About 2 months into it...she told me that she loved me. Now, she was drinking, but alcohol doesn't change feelings in my opinion...it might make you say things that you normally won't when you are sober. Things were going VERY well until then. Once that was said, it freaked her out. She kept maintaining though that she didn't want a relationship throughout this. She hadn't dated anyone else since the first few weeks of us dating, but again down hill...she went out on a few dates. Specifically, it later came out that she had started hanging out with her next door neighbor and kissed him. In fact, her roommate had been out of town the last week we were dating and she had asked me to stay with her because she doesn't like to be alone...I worked...she slept on the neighbors "couch" instead.

So...I wanted to talk to her about the direction we were headed. She started pulling away, I started to give her space. I wasn't there when she called me and didn't text her back right away...this happened for a week. She stopped calling me baby and a lot of little 'pet names' that she had been calling me. Sex, which used to happen at least once a day...didn't happen the last week.

Tuesday, the 20th, I went over to her house to talk. I told her that I didn't like the direction that we were going. She told me that I had started acting weird. I explained that I noticed that she had started to pull away as I was giving her space and I didn't like that. I asked her if she had been dating anyone else and she said no...not really. I asked her about her neighbor, she said no, but they had been hanging out and they had kissed. I told her that I wanted more and I knew she couldn't do it and I told her that I couldn't do this anymore....and left.

Unfortunately...as some here have pointed out...I left my balls there. I cried for the first time in a very long time...every time a song came on that we listened together to...tv shows that we seen...everything reminded me of her. I left a freaking softball game because of how bad I played because I was being a pillowbiter. So, I called/texted/emailed her trying to work things out...I regretted that decision ever since I left. She got upset and was a bitch on the phone. I was an ass to her back.

Last Sunday, I went to her house to get my stuff. We talked for a few minutes and I thought things would be alright. We planned on going out for dinner later in the week. So, thinking things were better and since I didn't get a chance to talk to her about things, I emailed her. I knew she was busy with her mom later that day, which is why I chose that route. She never responded. I texted her the next morning when I got off work like I normally did wishing her a good day etc. Nothing. I called Tuesday...didn't answer. WTF??!! Things were alright...right? So...I emailed her at work. She called, bitched me out. Basically saying not to bring her personal life to work etc etc. The email wasn't bad at all...not sure what this was about. I responded very badly and told her basically to kick rocks. She told me that basically she lied to me the whole time about her feelings for me and led me on. While I know it's not true...it was mean to say it. Ouch.

After letting that settle in for a few days, I didn't want it to end like this. We had shared so much over the last 3+ months that I didn't want to leave it with us basically hating each other. So, I went to her house to drop off the rest of her stuff (used that as an excuse). We ended up talking for 3 1/2 hours. It went REALLY well. I gave her a massage...talked and watched her dog that once loved me...stare me down and growl at me. She gave me a huge long hug which she wouldn't let go when I tried to pull away early. I looked at her and kissed her forehead. Then I said goodbye. She said she needed more than 2 days to cool off from our last conversation...and would call me when she figures a few things out.

Who knows how it will turn out...I won't go back to how it was...but I do want her in my life.

[jaa1025]

Originally Posted by ClevelandBronco

You've said that she is confused, and that may very well be true.

But you sound as if you are confused as well.

When you think about your life a year from now, would you want her to be a part of it? Are you prepared to be a part of her life? Can it extend beyond a year? Could it become a lifetime commitment?

Just what are you looking for?

Which is WHY I am having a hard time with this...I saw a future with the girl that extended past just dating and a relationship. She said the same thing too....it's that shit that confused me. She would standfast by her non relationship talk, but tell me things like that.

[PastorMikH]

Originally Posted by jaa1025

Yes, I feel like a 16 yo in this situation. I guess part of the reason I ended it was to make her realize that things had to change. I couldn't take her wanting to date other guys. She told me that if she doesn't date other guys and just dates me, then that's a relationship and she wasn't ready for that...with anyone. (still hung up on her ex of a year and a half I think). I don't know if I could have changed her opinion just by talking because she was dead set on this in her mind.

Dude, though some here might disagree, sounds to me like you made the right choice in ending it. Maybe you did it for the wrong reason, but if you are looking for any kind of relationship, faithfulness is kinda important in my out-dated opinion, and if she is wanting to date around, then there isn't much hope for a relationship to grow anyway. No point in feeling like you've been kicked in the nads every weekend when she decides to go out all night with another guy only to come home to you through the week.

Though it doesn't seem possible right now to you, there are women out there that will top her.

[HMc]

Originally Posted by jaa1025

Because she wanted to date other people and I wanted more. I knew she loved me before she even said the words by the way she acted, the things she said...she was really into me. Once she said that...she pulled away. Then on one of her dates, she kissed the guy. He happened to be her next door neighbor.

I ended it within 2 minutes of hearing that. I didn't want to know why or if it happened more than once. If he initiated it or if she did...I just had to end it. In doing that, I hoped that she would stop me. I hoped that she would want me back, but things would have to change.

If she wasn't ready for not dating other people...then I couldn't do it. Now...I'd take back what we had and work on getting her mind on me...the prize. Well...that was earlier...Now, after reading replies and talking to a few friends...she needs to come back on my terms because this will happen again and I'll get hurt again.

Okay dude run for the hills, it's over. Give her 6 months or a year. Let some other dude get smoked while she doesnt know what she's doing.

[DaneMcCloud]

Originally Posted by jaa1025

Because she wanted to date other people and I wanted more. I knew she loved me before she even said the words by the way she acted, the things she said...she was really into me. Once she said that...she pulled away. Then on one of her dates, she kissed the guy. He happened to be her next door neighbor.

I ended it within 2 minutes of hearing that. I didn't want to know why or if it happened more than once. If he initiated it or if she did...I just had to end it. In doing that, I hoped that she would stop me. I hoped that she would want me back, but things would have to change.

If she wasn't ready for not dating other people...then I couldn't do it. Now...I'd take back what we had and work on getting her mind on me...the prize. Well...that was earlier...Now, after reading replies and talking to a few friends...she needs to come back on my terms because this will happen again and I'll get hurt again.

You know Dude, I'm not a father like some of these guys and I'm probably more direct (hence the "harshness" of my replies).

But the bottom line is this girl is not right for you. She wants to date other people. If that's not what you want, then you need to deal and move. There's absolutely no reason for you to "share" her in any way, if that's not what you want. It's obviously not what you want, or you wouldn't have ended it with her which IMO, was the correct thing to do in this case.

Both of you are in different places and there's no way that you can "convince" her otherwise. She has to figure it out on her own.

Move on, Dude.

[HMc]

Originally Posted by DaneMcCloud

You know Dude, I'm not a father like some of these guys and I'm probably more direct (hence the "harshness" of my replies).

But the bottom line is this girl is not right for you. She wants to date other people. If that's not what you want, then you need to deal and move. There's absolutely no reason for you to "share" her in any way, if that's not what you want. It's obviously not what you want, or you wouldn't have ended it with her which IMO, was the correct thing to do in this case.

Both of you are in different places and there's no way that you can "convince" her otherwise. She has to figure it out on her own.

Move on, Dude.

I do agree with this. The other guy thing is a complete dealbreaker IMHO.

[jaa1025]

Originally Posted by DaneMcCloud

You know Dude, I'm not a father like some of these guys and I'm probably more direct (hence the "harshness" of my replies).

But the bottom line is this girl is not right for you. She wants to date other people. If that's not what you want, then you need to deal and move. There's absolutely no reason for you to "share" her in any way, if that's not what you want. It's obviously not what you want, or you wouldn't have ended it with her which IMO, was the correct thing to do in this case.

Both of you are in different places and there's no way that you can "convince" her otherwise. She has to figure it out on her own.

Move on, Dude.

I'm going to give it some more time, if she comes back...great, if not. I'll cut my losses. But...things CAN'T go back to where they were. They just can't. I want more...she does need to figure things out before we can get back together...i just might not be there if it's too late.

I won't share period. We are passed that. She said that she would be only intimate with me, but still wanted to date. Kissing some guy is almost as bad and possibly leads to other bad things.

[FAX]

Obviously, you've received a great deal of excellent advice on this thread, Mr. jaa1025, and it appears that "grow a pair" represents the majority opinion.

I'd just like to add that, when you grow your pair, try not to grow them too large. You don't want activities like sitting or biking to cause inordinate discomfort.

FAX

[jaa1025]

Originally Posted by HMc

I do agree with this. The other guy thing is a complete dealbreaker IMHO.

Yeah...that's why I broke it off. I have no clue about him. Basically him or me. I told her I wouldn't give her an ultimatum a long time ago...so I took the choice from her and she will have to decide things on her own.

[ClevelandBronco]

Originally Posted by jaa1025

...I couldn't take her wanting to date other guys. She told me that if she doesn't date other guys and just dates me, then that's a relationship and she wasn't ready for that...with anyone...

I must have missed this part.

I don't envy your situation.

It sounds as if your vision and hers are incompatible. I'd suggest that you should remove yourself from whatever competition for her attention she may have invented.

If this is truly the situation — and no matter how painful it may be for now — I would suggest that you should run and hide. If she calls, you're not home. Ever.

Not next week. Not next year. Not ever.

[jaa1025]

Originally Posted by FAX

Obviously, you've received a great deal of excellent advice on this thread, Mr. jaa1025, and it appears that "grow a pair" represents the majority opinion.

I'd just like to add that, when you grow your pair, try not to grow them too large. You don't want activities like sitting or biking to cause inordinate discomfort.

FAX

Yeah, there is some very good advice in here..some pretty funny stuff in here as well that I would never do, but it's humorous to say the least. I really appreciate everyones replies...I do feel better and am taking my balls back.

She's a great great girl that I'd definitely see myself with for the rest of my life, but she's confused and doesn't know what she wants...I can't handle that...shouldn't have to. That's highschool crap. If she calls me one day and wants to talk, I'll listen. If she wants to work things out, it will be on my terms and I can tell you that open dating is not one of them.

Again thanks everyone.

[PastorMikH]

Originally Posted by jaa1025

If she wasn't ready for not dating other people...then I couldn't do it. Now...I'd take back what we had and work on getting her mind on me...the prize. Well...that was earlier...Now, after reading replies and talking to a few friends...she needs to come back on my terms because this will happen again and I'll get hurt again.

Honestly, if she comes back on your terms, and you do get beyond the dating around, it's only a matter of time before she reverts back. She's not ready to settle down yet. You can work on her emotions and she might do it, but if she isn't ready, she'll grow to resent the chains of relationship and revert back to her past desired behavior. By then you'll have grown even stronger feelings towards her and instead of being bummed out, you'll be devestated.

Let her go. If, like HMc says 6 mos- year from now she comes back and you are still available, then see what happens. Until then, see what developes elsewhere.

[ClevelandBronco]

Originally Posted by jaa1025

Which is WHY I am having a hard time with this...I saw a future with the girl that extended past just dating and a relationship. She said the same thing too....it's that shit that confused me. She would standfast by her non relationship talk, but tell me things like that.

You sound like a great guy. Don't approach marriage with a girl who wants "outs."

Marriage isn't poker.

(And all of you guys who love puns and innuendo can just shut up.)

[jaa1025]

Originally Posted by ClevelandBronco

I must have missed this part.

I don't envy your situation.

It sounds as if your vision and hers are incompatible. I'd suggest that you should remove yourself from whatever competition for her attention she may have invented.

If this is truly the situation — and no matter how painful it may be for now — I would suggest that you should run and hide. If she calls, you're not home. Ever.

Not next week. Not next year. Not ever.

When we first started dating, it was understandable. I might not have liked it...but I understood it. She said, "whats wrong with me going out with some random guy to get a free meal?" All 5 guys were either married, stood her up or complete douche bags. After about 3-4 weeks, she stopped dating other guys. For the last month and a half, nothing. Then once she said that she loved me and I asked her about it...she freaked out, pulled away and went on a date.

Games are for high schoolers, I'm not playing games to get her attention. Which is why I ended it. I'm way passed the point with her of this. We wanted the same thing(she told me as such) with each other but she said she just wasn't ready yet...

[jaa1025]

Originally Posted by ClevelandBronco

You sound like a great guy. Don't approach marriage with a girl who wants "outs."

Marriage isn't poker.

(And all of you guys who love puns and innuendo can just shut up.)

Yeah...definitely. It's not something that I was ready to hop down to Vegas and get hitched ASAP...it's just that I won't date a girl if I can't foresee a future with. If that makes sense. It might be way early to tell, but if there is something about her...I'll end it. No reason to go on. So when I say I saw a future, I mean that loosely...we still had a lot to learn about each other to see if we were IBM compatible. And for that short of time...she fit the bill better than any other woman I've dated.

[DaneMcCloud]

Originally Posted by jaa1025

When we first started dating, it was understandable. I might not have liked it...but I understood it. She said, "whats wrong with me going out with some random guy to get a free meal?" All 5 guys were either married, stood her up or complete douche bags. After about 3-4 weeks, she stopped dating other guys. For the last month and a half, nothing. Then once she said that she loved me and I asked her about it...she freaked out, pulled away and went on a date.

Games are for high schoolers, I'm not playing games to get her attention. Which is why I ended it. I'm way passed the point with her of this. We wanted the same thing(she told me as such) with each other but she said she just wasn't ready yet...

JFC.

Dude, turn and run the other way. JFC.

Not only does she sound like a mess, any chick that's dating five different guys, including married men, is absolutely NOT anyone that you want to be with, EVER.

If she's crossing that line now, there's a 99% chance she'll cross it again.

It's just not worth your time.

For the 100th time, MOVE ON.