Parenting advice needed: 13 yo female

[wutamess]

I know what to do with my younger ones because they're younger and I can discipline them pretty much at will but my 13 yo is at the age where she doesn't get spankings anymore.

So with her it's more punishments, etc. for the last 2 years or so.

Anyhow, reluctantly got her a phone for Xmas because of the wifes constant harping on the issue. I told wifey this is on her. So today I ask the daughter to clean the kitchen and empty out the dishwasher. After she left the kitchen I noticed eating utensils still in there. So I told her to clean it out. At that time, she had her phone in her hand.

I noticed she's been running to this phone a lot over the last couple of days. So she lays the phone down on the couch and I pick it up and go to my room to see what the "fun is all about".

When I initially gave her the phone, I told her not to call any boys, etc. I disabled text on the phone and web access but I knew kids act like prisoners and mind ways around everything.

So I went through her phone and she's been skyping a guy. Their conversation was basically useless until i saw that she must've been going out with the guy or something and she's trying to impress him to get his attention again but he doesn't seem interested anymore. Then she tells him about her cup size, how far she's been, etc.

Here's your answer Mr. Obvious next question: She's grinded on someone (while dancing at one of her previous schools dances). And she's french kissed someone. Haven't questioned her about it yet.

My question is... WTF do I do?

My initial gut feeling is to turn the phone off as I didn't really see a need for it anyways and it seems like more of a distraction/enabler more than anything. Besides, her friends all have cell phones if she needs to use one.

I'm more of a traditional raising parent. I think 13 is too young for a cell phone (NTTAWWT). I just think she needs one when she gets a car but not at the moment.

Don't really feel like looking dumb witty replies/smilies. Please keep it serious/mature for a moment before the shinanigans start..

Post (THE TALK) Update:
This morning...
So I had a lot of errands to do today so I told her to get ready we're about to go.

So we depart for a multitude of stores and while we're backing out of the garage the conversation goes like this...

Me: OK look... I'm going to need you to use the teenager voice right about now & not the lil shy voice. Use the voice you was using to (lil fugger).
Her: OK

Me: Are you ready for sex?
Her: No

Me: What's stopping you and why not?
Her: Becuase it'll hurt

Me: That's it?
Her: And because of AIDS and diseases

Me: So you're not ready because of AIDS and Diseases? So what are you ready for?
Her: IDK.. hugging and holding hands, and stuff.

Me: So if that's the case who was it you tongue kissed?
Her: Daddy I didn't tongue anyone, I was just saying that and the guy knew I was lying when I texted it.

Me: Looking at her (she knows she can tell me the truth).... Are you serious? You've never kissed anyone? REALLY?
Her: No! I've never kissed anyone.

Me: What about the time your sister and brother said you kissed so & so before?
Her: No I didn't kiss him or anyone. They're starting to kiss their boyfriends at school but I haven't kissed anyone.

Me: OK... not only do you have to worry about AIDS. You have to worry about herpes, gonereah, syphilis, HPV. Genital warts. 80% meaning 8 our of 10 people that have sex EVEN WITH CONDOMS have some form of HPV which causes cancer. So when you hear of people having cervical cancer, that's mainly the reason why they may have it. Hell your mother and I may have it. I've had an STD before so don't think it can't happen to you like I used to think it couldn't happen to me.

Me: And on a side note... Us guys are manipulative. You should never have to impress us. In the end, we only want one thing... We'll say we love you and make you even think it but we say it because all we want is to have sex with you. I've been there and done that and have had sexual encounters where I've used women. Once we think you're all in, we shit all over you. We don't want you because you're not a challenge to us anymore. The reason your auntie doesn't have a man because she's too available and guys take advantage of that. We want a challenge also, so just when you think you tell a guy you're not having sex, we look at it as a challenge to see how long we have to be in it til we have sex. That's all we think about. and we'll say and do anything to get it and use you until we get it.
Her (after I said much more to drive my point home): Do you love mama?

Me: Yes, that's a marriage. We were friends for years before everything. But make no mistake about it... I've never told a girl I loved her to get in her pants but I know plenty of guys that have. Then here's the kicker... Once you have sex with a guy that doesn't give a shit about you at school, he spreads the word to his friends. Then his friends try to get some from you. And if you have sex with one of his friends, you're immediately labeled a whore. Once you get the whore label, it's really hard to lose and you end up with a less pool of QUALITY boys to date. Real quality men want a woman/gf with morales.
Her: What's morales?

Me: It's a value system of being a good wholesome person. But if you don't have them in a man's eye, you'll attract nothing but losers.

Me: So do you understand about the importance of condoms?
Her: yes!

Me: Do you understand how sexting & sleeping with a guy can hurt your reputation?
Her: Yes!

Me: So do you have any questions?
Her: No.

Me: So when i gave you the phone, what'd I tell you?
Her: No boys.

Me: So why'd you do it?
Her: because I thought Skype didn't count
Me: REALLY? That you're final answer? If that's the case why'd you immediately just say no boys?
Her: Quiet.

I drove more points home but that was the basic conversation. Did I miss anything?
I was going to ask if she started touching herself but I really wouldn't gain anything from it by knowing so I 86'd the awkward conversation topic.
I look at that as a need to know basis. YUK!

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by Dante84

Just take a sharpie and color over the camera when she leaves it laying around.

Honestly, though, kids can pick up on sincerity and will respond to the honest communication more than bringing the hammer down. Once you explain what is wrong and what is okay, and make boundaries clear, she will know what will fly and what won't.

If she violates these boundaries, punishment is necessary. Sounds like she doesn't know the boundaries yet, though. So coming down hard on her won't accomplish anything positive, it will just confuse and anger her.

So "No Boys" doesn't establish a boundary?

[BIG_DADDY]

Originally Posted by wutamess

But that's just it! What's my fuggin line?
"Don't talk to boys?" That's kinda weak. Especially when we were all doing it around that age.

"Don't kiss boys?" Weak also.

What do I have to stand on... how to you "discipline that"?
By doing nothing though it sends the signal that it's ok and condone and she KNOW's we can't really do anything. We still have that "control/fear" aspect over her... looks like we're losing that so what do we do... just ride and hope that our teachings have been instilled and she'll make the right decisions.

Thing is... My pete peeve is a chick that put guys on fuggin pedestal and her trying to impress this guys show's that she's emotionally weak and that's what I really want to fix here. Thin is... other than showing her examples of idiots and family members, I have no idea what to do.

I am not going to pretend to be an expert on something I have zero experience at. If it was me like you I would probably ground her for a couple weeks and take the phone letting her know how I feel about what she has done. You made the rules, she broke the rules. If there is no consiquence then what is the point of having rules? At 13 I don't think it is unreasonable to look at her phone. There is no point in having those rules if you can't enforce them. That being said once the 2 weeks is over I think I would give her the phone back and let her know if it happens again there will be no phone until 16 no matter how much she cries about it. I personally wouldn't ban her from ever talking to boys though, but that's just me. I would restrict the time.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by Coach

I'd simply say "Be yourself. You are beautiful on who you are. If other people or a guy can't see that, then well, that's their problem. Not yours."

Comeon Coach this is 2011... I think examples will hit home more than the You're beautiful speech. It may already seem like I preach to her a lot although it's more related to her sport activities.

[Coach]

Originally Posted by wutamess

Great points but you're focusing on the chores too much. She does the chores no problem and is honestly quite good about it. The story I gave was just a story about today. But we have no problem with her and chores... She's actually a GREAT kid, honest, sneaky as we all were, with a good head on her shoulders.

Pictures, I don't think she's sent nekidd pics of anything more than the fat girl lips out profile pose.

But I will make it clear that it's a proviledge. Text was disabled, so she got around that with Skype. Since I've disabled Skype from our network also.

Maybe I am focusing on the chores too much, so I'll just ignore it. It still doesn't change the fact that she still ran up the phone and been texting/skyping as well.

But on the other hand, texting and skyping is the new age of technology. Maybe she wants to get into that. It's reasonable to do so. I know I text more than I talk. Perhaps she should be entitled to that as well?

And suzzer99 is right, I would not want to tell her what you have found. That's just going to make her even more protective of herself, and going to do things that you don't want to even know.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by jd1020

So you dealt with it and then asked for advice? Little backwards thinking there.

No... Wifey spoke with her... I'm asking what to do on my end and what could/should we have and can still do differently.

[jd1020]

Originally Posted by wutamess

No... Wifey spoke with her... I'm asking what to do on my end and what could/should we have and can still do differently.

Just wait til the next time it happens and take it away. IMO, everyone gets a second chance.

The whole, "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me" deal.

If it happens again just take the phone away and let her know that when she gets a job at 16 to afford her own phone then she can get another one.

[Coach]

Originally Posted by wutamess

So "No Boys" doesn't establish a boundary?

At the same time, the age 13-15 range is when kids are starting to find their own identy, and they are going to start exploring the oppisite sex.

I think the "no boys" rule is a little harsh, but that is me.

[Chiefspants]

Originally Posted by luv

Don't want details? Dating? She's 13!

Well, I don't know, I just think it's good to establish lessons like this early, a lot of girls do not realize the consequences of doing things like that at that age.

[BIG_DADDY]

Originally Posted by wutamess

Comeon Coach this is 2011... I think examples will hit home more than the You're beautiful speech.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fI2NyfV9N3g

[Dante84]

Originally Posted by wutamess

So "No Boys" doesn't establish a boundary?

Its kind of ambiguous and umbrella-ish. Specifics, and to some degree, reasoning, will help to clarify to her that you have her best interest at heart. Tell her to ask if she's unsure about something... and also tell her that if she's unsure, its probably a sign that she shouldn't be doing it.

[cdcox]

Originally Posted by Dante84

Damn, that would be tough to kick a grandkid to the curb like that. But I understand what you are saying.

The kid would be in a good home if adopted.

I just don't have raising another kid in me.

[Coach]

Originally Posted by wutamess

Comeon Coach this is 2011... I think examples will hit home more than the You're beautiful speech. It may already seem like I preach to her a lot although it's more related to her sport activities.

Fair enough. I'm just only giving advice as best as I can.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by Coach

At the same time, the age 13-15 range is when kids are starting to find their own identy, and they are going to start exploring the oppisite sex.

I think the "no boys" rule is a little harsh, but that is me.

I know... but they don't need to be talking on the phone... IMO. I don't care how much she needs to find herself. She has next year on (Freshman) to do all that.

The progression goes...
Talking on phone...
Then dating...

So not ready for dating at the 8th grade.
I'll keep my harshness on this one.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by Dante84

Its kind of ambiguous and umbrella-ish. Specifics, and to some degree, reasoning, will help to clarify to her that you have her best interest at heart. Tell her to ask if she's unsure about something... and also tell her that if she's unsure, its probably a sign that she shouldn't be doing it.

No boys IS VERY umbrellaish... That's the awesomeness about it.
Besides... skyping boys STRICTLY FALL UNDER THE NO BOYS RULE.

[BIG_DADDY]

There's always the I am sending you to an all girls school threat.