Life Parenting advice needed: 13 yo female - Page 6

wutamess · 08:45 PM

I know what to do with my younger ones because they're younger and I can discipline them pretty much at will but my 13 yo is at the age where she doesn't get spankings anymore.

So with her it's more punishments, etc. for the last 2 years or so.

Anyhow, reluctantly got her a phone for Xmas because of the wifes constant harping on the issue. I told wifey this is on her. So today I ask the daughter to clean the kitchen and empty out the dishwasher. After she left the kitchen I noticed eating utensils still in there. So I told her to clean it out. At that time, she had her phone in her hand.

I noticed she's been running to this phone a lot over the last couple of days. So she lays the phone down on the couch and I pick it up and go to my room to see what the "fun is all about".

When I initially gave her the phone, I told her not to call any boys, etc. I disabled text on the phone and web access but I knew kids act like prisoners and mind ways around everything.

So I went through her phone and she's been skyping a guy. Their conversation was basically useless until i saw that she must've been going out with the guy or something and she's trying to impress him to get his attention again but he doesn't seem interested anymore. Then she tells him about her cup size, how far she's been, etc.

Here's your answer Mr. Obvious next question: She's grinded on someone (while dancing at one of her previous schools dances). And she's french kissed someone. Haven't questioned her about it yet.

My question is... WTF do I do?

My initial gut feeling is to turn the phone off as I didn't really see a need for it anyways and it seems like more of a distraction/enabler more than anything. Besides, her friends all have cell phones if she needs to use one.

I'm more of a traditional raising parent. I think 13 is too young for a cell phone (NTTAWWT). I just think she needs one when she gets a car but not at the moment.

Don't really feel like looking dumb witty replies/smilies. Please keep it serious/mature for a moment before the shinanigans start..

Post (THE TALK) Update:
This morning...
So I had a lot of errands to do today so I told her to get ready we're about to go.

So we depart for a multitude of stores and while we're backing out of the garage the conversation goes like this...

Me: OK look... I'm going to need you to use the teenager voice right about now & not the lil shy voice. Use the voice you was using to (lil fugger).
Her: OK

Me: Are you ready for sex?
Her: No

Me: What's stopping you and why not?
Her: Becuase it'll hurt

Me: That's it?
Her: And because of AIDS and diseases

Me: So you're not ready because of AIDS and Diseases? So what are you ready for?
Her: IDK.. hugging and holding hands, and stuff.

Me: So if that's the case who was it you tongue kissed?
Her: Daddy I didn't tongue anyone, I was just saying that and the guy knew I was lying when I texted it.

Me: Looking at her (she knows she can tell me the truth).... Are you serious? You've never kissed anyone? REALLY?
Her: No! I've never kissed anyone.

Me: What about the time your sister and brother said you kissed so & so before?
Her: No I didn't kiss him or anyone. They're starting to kiss their boyfriends at school but I haven't kissed anyone.

Me: OK... not only do you have to worry about AIDS. You have to worry about herpes, gonereah, syphilis, HPV. Genital warts. 80% meaning 8 our of 10 people that have sex EVEN WITH CONDOMS have some form of HPV which causes cancer. So when you hear of people having cervical cancer, that's mainly the reason why they may have it. Hell your mother and I may have it. I've had an STD before so don't think it can't happen to you like I used to think it couldn't happen to me.

Me: And on a side note... Us guys are manipulative. You should never have to impress us. In the end, we only want one thing... We'll say we love you and make you even think it but we say it because all we want is to have sex with you. I've been there and done that and have had sexual encounters where I've used women. Once we think you're all in, we shit all over you. We don't want you because you're not a challenge to us anymore. The reason your auntie doesn't have a man because she's too available and guys take advantage of that. We want a challenge also, so just when you think you tell a guy you're not having sex, we look at it as a challenge to see how long we have to be in it til we have sex. That's all we think about. and we'll say and do anything to get it and use you until we get it.
Her (after I said much more to drive my point home): Do you love mama?

Me: Yes, that's a marriage. We were friends for years before everything. But make no mistake about it... I've never told a girl I loved her to get in her pants but I know plenty of guys that have. Then here's the kicker... Once you have sex with a guy that doesn't give a shit about you at school, he spreads the word to his friends. Then his friends try to get some from you. And if you have sex with one of his friends, you're immediately labeled a whore. Once you get the whore label, it's really hard to lose and you end up with a less pool of QUALITY boys to date. Real quality men want a woman/gf with morales.
Her: What's morales?

Me: It's a value system of being a good wholesome person. But if you don't have them in a man's eye, you'll attract nothing but losers.

Me: So do you understand about the importance of condoms?
Her: yes!

Me: Do you understand how sexting & sleeping with a guy can hurt your reputation?
Her: Yes!

Me: So do you have any questions?
Her: No.

Me: So when i gave you the phone, what'd I tell you?
Her: No boys.

Me: So why'd you do it?
Her: because I thought Skype didn't count
Me: REALLY? That you're final answer? If that's the case why'd you immediately just say no boys?
Her: Quiet.

I drove more points home but that was the basic conversation. Did I miss anything?
I was going to ask if she started touching herself but I really wouldn't gain anything from it by knowing so I 86'd the awkward conversation topic.
I look at that as a need to know basis. YUK!

Coach · 02-13-2011, 12:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wutamess

No. It was more of a Xmas present. "No boys". Have fun.

Well then, that kinda ruins the leverage you have, other than that you are paying for it.

If I ever was going to give one for my kid, I would pretty much set simple ground rules. I would pretty much simply say that I am not going to invade their privacy, but more of their simple trade-off rules, like since if I am paying for it, I expect the person to at least do some simple chores that is being asked out of my child. Along with the lines that I am trusting that child that they would make good decisions on the phone.

So, yes, I think turning off the phone is a little overkill, UNLESS you happen to find incriminating evidence of her showing her private parts to the person in question. Texts are borderline, but I would be willing to overlook that, but photos? Boom, gonna kill it with a sledgehammer.

I think you and your wife need to re-establish the rules as far as that is concerned. Don't mention anything about that what you saw. That's history now. The fact is that she didn't do what you have asked her to do, I'd say take the phone away for a week, and give it back to her if she does do the chores. If she continues not to do what you have asked her to do, then I'd extend the punishment longer.

I think she needs to understand that you two are respecting her privacy, but that she needs to respect you guys, as far as being asked to do.

FAX · 02-13-2011, 12:02 AM

Time for a long, detailed conversation about sluts, pregnancy, and hysterectomies.

I would be glad to speak with her, Mr. wutamess, if you wish. I sure am glad I don't have daughters, though. I have spent a large portion of my entire life attempting to remove the undergarments of young ladies. The irony of having a daughter would be more than I could bear.

FAX

wutamess · 02-13-2011, 12:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BIG_DADDY

Montel Williams just loves stories like this. I am sure he would probably let you on the show if you bring your daughter.

Seriously dude I think you are on the right track. At 13 she still needs you to be a dad and draw the line in the sand. I have a friend going through this with his 14 year old. The one thing I noticed that is different is the girls are WAY more aggressive than they were when we were kids.

But that's just it! What's my fuggin line?
"Don't talk to boys?" That's kinda weak. Especially when we were all doing it around that age.

"Don't kiss boys?" Weak also.

What do I have to stand on... how to you "discipline that"?
By doing nothing though it sends the signal that it's ok and condone and she KNOW's we can't really do anything. We still have that "control/fear" aspect over her... looks like we're losing that so what do we do... just ride and hope that our teachings have been instilled and she'll make the right decisions.

Thing is... My pete peeve is a chick that put guys on fuggin pedestal and her trying to impress this guys show's that she's emotionally weak and that's what I really want to fix here. Thin is... other than showing her examples of idiots and family members, I have no idea what to do.

jd1020 · 02-13-2011, 12:04 AM

To everyone saying "take the phone away for X amount of weeks."

What would be your reasoning for taking it away without spilling the beans?

Coach · 02-13-2011, 12:04 AM

And speaking of boys issue, I think you are also, to a degree, restricting her ability to grow into an adult. I wouldn't restrict the boys thing, because then, how is she going to be able to find the one she really likes?

There are going to be moments that you may not like the fugger, but sometimes, kids are going to have to learn it the hard way.

**cdcox** · 02-13-2011, 12:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wutamess

This is what I need... We don't mind her turning on us (I say that now). But I don't want to give her the space where we'll be grandparents raising a grandchild in our 30's. In my mind I'm thinking be on her like flies to shit and when she's 18 let her loose.

Once she's 18 she's an adult and we've done our jobs as far as held up our end of the bargain in raising a good kid. Wifey and I have never had an issue with being together on things and always talk things through and out of site of the kiddos.
I have to go through this 3 more times ! UGH!

Here's what I mean when I say her turning on you:

Scenario A: You set some clear boundaries with consequences. She knows what they are. You give her age-appropriate freedoms (you have to determine what age appropriate means). When she violates a boundary, you follow through with consequences. And then you take your chances just like every other parent. And you probably don't go digging for information that you don't want to learn.

Scenario B: You keep her under close surveillance. You monitor her every activity. You scare away every boy that comes close. You limit her opportunities to be without adult supervision. She becomes bitter and feels like you don't respect her. How do you think she will respond when she turns 18 or goes away to college?

As I said, my daughter is 20. She is no where near ready to support herself financially. But if she gets knocked up I'll help her give the child up for adoption. I won't support one of her kids and I won't help her with an abortion. If she doesn't want to give the child up for adoption, she can figure things out for herself. That is my boundary that I am comfortable with. Someone else's might be different. I hope I never need to resort to that contingency, but I have a plan in place if worse comes to worse.

Dante84 · 02-13-2011, 12:05 AM

Just take a sharpie and color over the camera when she leaves it laying around.

Honestly, though, kids can pick up on sincerity and will respond to the honest communication more than bringing the hammer down. Once you explain what is wrong and what is okay, and make boundaries clear, she will know what will fly and what won't.

If she violates these boundaries, punishment is necessary. Sounds like she doesn't know the boundaries yet, though. So coming down hard on her won't accomplish anything positive, it will just confuse and anger her.

Coach · 02-13-2011, 12:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wutamess

But that's just it! What's my fuggin line?
"Don't talk to boys?" That's kinda weak. Especially when we were all doing it around that age.

"Don't kiss boys?" Weak also.

What do I have to stand on... how to you "discipline that"?
By doing nothing though it sends the signal that it's ok and condone and she KNOW's we can't really do anything. We still have that "control/fear" aspect over her... looks like we're losing that so what do we do... just ride and hope that our teachings have been instilled and she'll make the right decisions.

Thing is... My pete peeve is a chick that put guys on fuggin pedestal and her trying to impress this guys show's that she's emotionally weak and that's what I really want to fix here. Thin is... other than showing her examples of idiots and family members, I have no idea what to do.

I'd simply say "Be yourself. You are beautiful on who you are. If other people or a guy can't see that, then well, that's their problem. Not yours."

02-13-2011, 12:07 AM

My advice is to compile the advice from Luv and Clay. Then take everything they say and follow it to the last detail.

Dante84 · 02-13-2011, 12:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cdcox

As I said, my daughter is 20. She is no where near ready to support herself financially. But if she gets knocked up I'll help her give the child up for adoption. I won't support one of her kids and I won't help her with an abortion. If she doesn't want to give the child up for adoption, she can figure things out for herself. That is my boundary that I am comfortable with. Someone else's might be different. I hope I never need to resort to that contingency, but I have a plan in place if worse comes to worse.

Damn, that would be tough to kick a grandkid to the curb like that. But I understand what you are saying.

wutamess · 02-13-2011, 12:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Coach

Well then, that kinda ruins the leverage you have, other than that you are paying for it.

If I ever was going to give one for my kid, I would pretty much set simple ground rules. I would pretty much simply say that I am not going to invade their privacy, but more of their simple trade-off rules, like since if I am paying for it, I expect the person to at least do some simple chores that is being asked out of my child. Along with the lines that I am trusting that child that they would make good decisions on the phone.

So, yes, I think turning off the phone is a little overkill, UNLESS you happen to find incriminating evidence of her showing her private parts to the person in question. Texts are borderline, but I would be willing to overlook that, but photos? Boom, gonna kill it with a sledgehammer.

I think you and your wife need to re-establish the rules as far as that is concerned. Don't mention anything about that what you saw. That's history now. The fact is that she didn't do what you have asked her to do, I'd say take the phone away for a week, and give it back to her if she does do the chores. If she continues not to do what you have asked her to do, then I'd extend the punishment longer.

I think she needs to understand that you two are respecting her privacy, but that she needs to respect you guys, as far as being asked to do.

Great points but you're focusing on the chores too much. She does the chores no problem and is honestly quite good about it. The story I gave was just a story about today. But we have no problem with her and chores... She's actually a GREAT kid, honest, sneaky as we all were, with a good head on her shoulders.

Pictures, I don't think she's sent nekidd pics of anything more than the fat girl lips out profile pose.

But I will make it clear that it's a proviledge. Text was disabled, so she got around that with Skype. Since I've disabled Skype from our network also.

suzzer99 · 02-13-2011, 12:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wutamess

Oh, they've been skyping/video chatting. I don't think she did or would send provocative pics but I'll mention that too when we do talk.

This this this. That shit gets out on the Internet it can haunt her forever.

As far as the rest theres not a whole lot you can do. Just keep trying to be a good parent, and find positive activities to keep her busy and boost her self-esteem. If that happens the other stuff will take care of itself.

I would advise against letting her know you read her entire conversation. That will just push her away and make her a lot more secretive in the future.

wutamess · 02-13-2011, 12:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jd1020

To everyone saying "take the phone away for X amount of weeks."

What would be your reasoning for taking it away without spilling the beans?

She knows we looked through it and wifey has spoken to her about what was found and called her on it.

Dante84 · 02-13-2011, 12:10 AM

Remind her that her worth is not determined by those around her, especially by those who want something from her. Only she gets to determine her worth, and others will react accordingly.

Make sure she knows the only people worth valuing and keeping around in her life are the ones who care about her and build her up, rather than manipulate and keep her down.

jd1020 · 02-13-2011, 12:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wutamess

She knows we looked through it and wifey has spoken to her about what was found and called her on it.

So you dealt with it and then asked for advice? Little backwards thinking there.

02-12-2011, 11:11 PM
wutamess MVP Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Lee's Summit Casino cash: $4711637	Parenting advice needed: 13 yo female I know what to do with my younger ones because they're younger and I can discipline them pretty much at will but my 13 yo is at the age where she doesn't get spankings anymore. So with her it's more punishments, etc. for the last 2 years or so. Anyhow, reluctantly got her a phone for Xmas because of the wifes constant harping on the issue. I told wifey this is on her. So today I ask the daughter to clean the kitchen and empty out the dishwasher. After she left the kitchen I noticed eating utensils still in there. So I told her to clean it out. At that time, she had her phone in her hand. I noticed she's been running to this phone a lot over the last couple of days. So she lays the phone down on the couch and I pick it up and go to my room to see what the "fun is all about". When I initially gave her the phone, I told her not to call any boys, etc. I disabled text on the phone and web access but I knew kids act like prisoners and mind ways around everything. So I went through her phone and she's been skyping a guy. Their conversation was basically useless until i saw that she must've been going out with the guy or something and she's trying to impress him to get his attention again but he doesn't seem interested anymore. Then she tells him about her cup size, how far she's been, etc. Here's your answer Mr. Obvious next question: She's grinded on someone (while dancing at one of her previous schools dances). And she's french kissed someone. Haven't questioned her about it yet. My question is... WTF do I do? My initial gut feeling is to turn the phone off as I didn't really see a need for it anyways and it seems like more of a distraction/enabler more than anything. Besides, her friends all have cell phones if she needs to use one. I'm more of a traditional raising parent. I think 13 is too young for a cell phone (NTTAWWT). I just think she needs one when she gets a car but not at the moment. Don't really feel like looking dumb witty replies/smilies. Please keep it serious/mature for a moment before the shinanigans start.. Post (THE TALK) Update: This morning... So I had a lot of errands to do today so I told her to get ready we're about to go. So we depart for a multitude of stores and while we're backing out of the garage the conversation goes like this... Me: OK look... I'm going to need you to use the teenager voice right about now & not the lil shy voice. Use the voice you was using to (lil fugger). Her: OK Me: Are you ready for sex? Her: No Me: What's stopping you and why not? Her: Becuase it'll hurt Me: That's it? Her: And because of AIDS and diseases Me: So you're not ready because of AIDS and Diseases? So what are you ready for? Her: IDK.. hugging and holding hands, and stuff. Me: So if that's the case who was it you tongue kissed? Her: Daddy I didn't tongue anyone, I was just saying that and the guy knew I was lying when I texted it. Me: Looking at her (she knows she can tell me the truth).... Are you serious? You've never kissed anyone? REALLY? Her: No! I've never kissed anyone. Me: What about the time your sister and brother said you kissed so & so before? Her: No I didn't kiss him or anyone. They're starting to kiss their boyfriends at school but I haven't kissed anyone. Me: OK... not only do you have to worry about AIDS. You have to worry about herpes, gonereah, syphilis, HPV. Genital warts. 80% meaning 8 our of 10 people that have sex EVEN WITH CONDOMS have some form of HPV which causes cancer. So when you hear of people having cervical cancer, that's mainly the reason why they may have it. Hell your mother and I may have it. I've had an STD before so don't think it can't happen to you like I used to think it couldn't happen to me. Me: And on a side note... Us guys are manipulative. You should never have to impress us. In the end, we only want one thing... We'll say we love you and make you even think it but we say it because all we want is to have sex with you. I've been there and done that and have had sexual encounters where I've used women. Once we think you're all in, we shit all over you. We don't want you because you're not a challenge to us anymore. The reason your auntie doesn't have a man because she's too available and guys take advantage of that. We want a challenge also, so just when you think you tell a guy you're not having sex, we look at it as a challenge to see how long we have to be in it til we have sex. That's all we think about. and we'll say and do anything to get it and use you until we get it. Her (after I said much more to drive my point home): Do you love mama? Me: Yes, that's a marriage. We were friends for years before everything. But make no mistake about it... I've never told a girl I loved her to get in her pants but I know plenty of guys that have. Then here's the kicker... Once you have sex with a guy that doesn't give a shit about you at school, he spreads the word to his friends. Then his friends try to get some from you. And if you have sex with one of his friends, you're immediately labeled a whore. Once you get the whore label, it's really hard to lose and you end up with a less pool of QUALITY boys to date. Real quality men want a woman/gf with morales. Her: What's morales? Me: It's a value system of being a good wholesome person. But if you don't have them in a man's eye, you'll attract nothing but losers. Me: So do you understand about the importance of condoms? Her: yes! Me: Do you understand how sexting & sleeping with a guy can hurt your reputation? Her: Yes! Me: So do you have any questions? Her: No. Me: So when i gave you the phone, what'd I tell you? Her: No boys. Me: So why'd you do it? Her: because I thought Skype didn't count Me: REALLY? That you're final answer? If that's the case why'd you immediately just say no boys? Her: Quiet. I drove more points home but that was the basic conversation. Did I miss anything? I was going to ask if she started touching herself but I really wouldn't gain anything from it by knowing so I 86'd the awkward conversation topic. I look at that as a need to know basis. YUK! Last edited by wutamess; 02-13-2011 at 08:45 PM..
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02-13-2011, 12:02 AM	#77
FAX testing ... 1, 2, 3 Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Tennessee Casino cash: $6753759	Time for a long, detailed conversation about sluts, pregnancy, and hysterectomies. I would be glad to speak with her, Mr. wutamess, if you wish. I sure am glad I don't have daughters, though. I have spent a large portion of my entire life attempting to remove the undergarments of young ladies. The irony of having a daughter would be more than I could bear. FAX
Posts: 44,492

02-13-2011, 12:04 AM	#79
jd1020 In Search of a Life Join Date: Nov 2010 Casino cash: $6892645	To everyone saying "take the phone away for X amount of weeks." What would be your reasoning for taking it away without spilling the beans?
Posts: 24,535

02-13-2011, 12:04 AM	#80
Coach Champs! Join Date: Mar 2004 Casino cash: $3698476	And speaking of boys issue, I think you are also, to a degree, restricting her ability to grow into an adult. I wouldn't restrict the boys thing, because then, how is she going to be able to find the one she really likes? There are going to be moments that you may not like the fugger, but sometimes, kids are going to have to learn it the hard way. __________________ Super Bowl IV, LIV, LVII & LVIII Champions 2020, 2021, 2023, 2024, & 2025 AFC Champions 1985 & 2015 Major League Baseball World Series Champions 1980, 1985, 2014, & 2015 Major League Baseball American League Champions 2015 American League Central Division Champs
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02-13-2011, 12:05 AM	#82
Dante84 Tossed Salad & Scrambled Eggs Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: ATX & OPKS Casino cash: $-2068004 VARSITY	Just take a sharpie and color over the camera when she leaves it laying around. Honestly, though, kids can pick up on sincerity and will respond to the honest communication more than bringing the hammer down. Once you explain what is wrong and what is okay, and make boundaries clear, she will know what will fly and what won't. If she violates these boundaries, punishment is necessary. Sounds like she doesn't know the boundaries yet, though. So coming down hard on her won't accomplish anything positive, it will just confuse and anger her. __________________ ..
Posts: 20,459

02-13-2011, 12:07 AM	#84
Phobia Guest Casino cash: $	My advice is to compile the advice from Luv and Clay. Then take everything they say and follow it to the last detail.
Posts: n/a

02-13-2011, 12:10 AM	#89
Dante84 Tossed Salad & Scrambled Eggs Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: ATX & OPKS Casino cash: $-2068004 VARSITY	Remind her that her worth is not determined by those around her, especially by those who want something from her. Only she gets to determine her worth, and others will react accordingly. Make sure she knows the only people worth valuing and keeping around in her life are the ones who care about her and build her up, rather than manipulate and keep her down. __________________ ..
Posts: 20,459