The Herm Edwards Bible

[Direckshun]

Here's a boom-or-bust, 400-post or 0-post thread for bored Chiefs fans.

I think we can all agree Herm Edwards is far more straightforward in his football philosophies than most coaches.

Well submit your axioms that you honestly believe that Herm Edwards follows when it comes to building a football team, and hark!, I shalt do mine best to incorporate them into a two- or three-book mini-Bible, written in the holiest of prose, and constantly adapting to incorporate your newly-added Commandments.

The axioms can relate to offense, defense, leadership, game strategies, team chemistry, public speaking, his own personal history ("and Dungy begat Edwards") -- whatever you can reasonably relate to Herm. The more the better, I would ideally like this to be a good-sized Good Book.

A couple serious axioms I can think up off the top of my head (I figure you folks won't have any trouble thinking up punchlines) would be like the following:

• Thou shalt build thy teams through the Draft.
• Thou shalt draft Best Player Available.
• Thou shalt not get things twisted.

Then I'll take your suggestions later and try to write out The New Testament Of Herm or whatever. The following is what I've got so far for this gloriously makeshift Holy Word.

The Book of Herm

Chapter 1

1 In 1978, year of our Lord, the Ancient Giants found themselves ensconced in a comfortable lead in the waning seconds of a 17-12 victory over thine Golden Eagles upon the gridiron of the Meadowlands. 2 All that stood between themselves and victory was a 3rd-and-2 kneel-down to kill off the remaining seconds off the clock. 3 But in those crucial seconds that echo throughout the Heavens and the Earth, there would be no kneel-down. 5 Instead, a Miracle reared itself, as the Lord slipped the ball from the hands of Pisarcik, and from this Immaculate Separation doth borne Herman Edwards. 6 To be known among God’s children as “Herm,” he made good work of the Lord’s blessing, hauling the fumbled treasure 26-yards for a defensive touchdown and a 19-17 shocker. Prodigy was borne this day.

7 Truly infused in the mind of this man of football was a dedication to all that is righteous and outspoken. 8 Herm would grow into a head coach and spiritual learner of this most holiest of sports, enduring trials and tribulations in the strange lands of Tampa Bay and New York, before riding into Arrowhead, the Lord’s Promised Land, on the back of a 4th round pick.

9 His words would ring throughout the press, enlightening and befuddling a city that continued to worship the false idol Dick Vermeil. 10 He implored to his newfound flock that they misunderstood what a successful organization looked like. That they, in fact, knew not what they do.

11 And upon Arrowhead Drive he stood in a snappy sweater vest, and thus began Herman’s Sermon on the Mount. 12 A truer test of character the world had never known.

[Calcountry]

Verily, verily, I say unto thee, For all teams have fallen short of the glory of the endzone.

The wages of offense is touchdowns, but the gift of football is eternal field goals.

[Calcountry]

Originally Posted by FAX

And so it came to pass that Herm sayeth unto the veterans, Because thou hast eaten from the tree of experience, thou art cursed above all mortals, and upon thy belly shalt thou go unto free agency and in sorrow shalt thy incentive bonus be withheld. And unto the rookies he sayeth, Because thou hast hearkened unto my voice and partaken of my noobley stick, thou shalt be blessed and thy career shalt be exalted and thy locker be near the shower and thy shalt have unto thine own the private room on the road.

And thus did the veterans depart from Arrowhead and great was the wailing among fans and the media also was corrupt before Herm, and the executive offices were filled with violence and wickedness and every evil imagination.

FAX

Only once in a very long time, I laugh so hard that my bronchial tubes get irritated to the point of coughing my guts out.

Nice.

[Simplex3]

Yeah, though we walk through the shadow of the Valley Of Rebuilding, we shall fear no losses: for Colquit art with us; his punts comfort us. Thou preparest a field before us in the presence of our enemies, thou anointest thine head with a fro, LJ runneth over and over and over and over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow every abysmal season with no wins in the playoffs: and we will dwell in the house of Mediocrity for ever.

[Buehler445]

I do not belong in the same BB as FAX. The man is rediculous.

[Calcountry]

Originally Posted by FAX

And there appeared before the media a great wonder in heaven; an angel in soiled cloth, and feet of grass, and upon his head a crown of twelve dents: and this was the angel of the run.

And there appeared another wonder in heaven; and behold a great red dragon, having five heads and five horns, and seven great gouges upon his five heads: and this was the angel of the draw.

And behold, did Herm sayeth with a loud voice as it were the sound of hail and fire mingled with blood, These shalt be thy offense for I have created such for thee: for thee hast I created them, and for thy pleasure they are and were created! And woe to the inhabiters of Arrowhead and the unbelieving and the whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters who shalt call for the pass or the play action, for by reason of these voices shalt great torment befall any who so calleth!

And lo, did then the angel and the dragon cast themselves like unto death into a wall of stone and fall mightly into a forsaken pile of smoke and spittle. And then did the fans beat their chests and cry to the heavens themselves, Oh fall upon us and cast us into the sea that we may not lay sight to the end of scoring and may not hear the sound of 3rd and long!

FAX

And therefore it came to pass, that while on a soujourn, Herm fell into a vision and it appeared unto him, that it was time to depart from Sodom and go forth to God's country in the midwest where DV, babylon the great of offenses. And Herm proclaimed unto those who committed adultery with her offenses, and drank deeply the wine of her adulterous x-factor returns, that thou shalt repent of such wicked arena ball frivolity and chasten thyself unto Ball control and field goals.

[Calcountry]

Originally Posted by Buehler445

I do not belong in the same BB as FAX. The man is rediculous.

No doubt, we are but boys amongst a man when it comes to this religiosity speak.

[Simplex3]

Herm 3:16:

For Herm so loved the fans that he gave his one and only Play, that whoever runs it shall not perish but have eternal strife.

[Calcountry]

Originally Posted by FAX

And if thy kicker offendeth thee, cut his ass.

FAX

Better to enter the Superbowl without a kicker, than to have a HOF kicker and no playoffs.

[Simplex3]

Then Herm was led by the fans into the desert to be tempted by the scoring of 22 points. After punting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempters came to him and said, "If you are the Hire of Carl, tell this quarterback to throw deep to win."

Herm answered, "It is written: 'A team does not win on points alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of his coach.'"

Then the fans took him to the holy stadium and had him stand on the highest point of the 300 level. "If you are the Hire of Carl," they said, "throw yourself down. For it is written: 'He will command his field crew concerning you, and they will lift their tarp up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against the field.'"

Herm answered him, "It is also written: 'Do not put thy hourly employees to work during the week.'"

Again, the fans took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the trophies of the Lombardi and their splendor. "All this I will give you," they said, "if you will throw down field and score 22 points."

Herm said to them, "Away from me, fans! For it is written: 'Scoring more than 21 points in a game isn't real football, it's Arena League football.'"

Then the fans left him, and Carl came and attended him.

[runnercyclist]

Originally Posted by bunnytrdr

Verily, verily, I say unto thee, For all teams have fallen short of the glory of the endzone.

The wages of offense is touchdowns, but the gift of football is eternal field goal missesth

FYP

[ottawa_chiefs_fan]

Originally Posted by FAX

And behold, the great media standeth at the door like unto a plague, and knocketh: and if any man heareth their voice, and openeth the door, they will come in to us, and will sup with us, and us with them, and questions shalt they ask of us.

And after this the media looked, and, behold, a door was opened unto the locker room: and the first voice which they did heareth as it were of a trumpet or as a man of great speech and little wisdom; which sayeth, Come up hither, and write down those things which I sayeth.

And immediately was Herm in the spirit: and, behold, a microphone was set before him, and one microphone did he approacheth. And Herm that sat before the microphone was to look upon like a shark and a terrible sardine: and there was a great tribulation round about the microphone, in sight like unto the most murderous fishes of the sea. And out of the microphone proceeded lightnings and thunderings and voices: and there were seven reasons of fire and the seven reasons why the offense could not scoreth, which are the seven great excuses. And the first excuse was like unto a dropped pass, and the second like unto a bad call, and the third excuse had a face as of a kicker, and the fourth was like unto a stacked defensive line.

FAX

...I got chills.....

[Dylan]

So shall it be written, so shall it be told!!!

TBH 1:2




No disrespect... you guys are hysterical.

I just have to say -- what a cool forum!

[Simplex3]

Originally Posted by Dylan

No disrespect... you guys are hysterical.

I just have to say -- what a cool forum!

1. We can't be offended.

2. We know we're hysterical.

3. The place isn't cool, it's the posters.

4. Welcome to the Planet, n00b.

[Buehler445]

Originally Posted by Dylan

So shall it be written, so shall it be told!!!

TBH 1:2




No disrespect... you guys are hysterical.

I just have to say -- what a cool forum!

Welcome to the planet.

[Dylan]

Thank you guys! You're right. The posters are special and unique.

Even though I root for another team, I have followed the KC Chiefs. Overall, I have a great deal of respect for them.

Thanks again for a warm welcome.