Parental advice needed

[Mr. Plow]

As some of you know, I've got 4 kids - 3 boys (11, 5, 4) & 1 girl (2). My wife & I have recently discovered that our 11 year old is starting puberty. Voice is changing, mood swings, hair under his arms, etc.

Being the great father I am, I hoped it would just go away and he would revert back to the cute, loving 4 year old that I remember - but alas, it isn't working no matter how much I try to ignore it.

We have noticed that he has taken an interest in the fairer sex as of late, but we have also discovered that he has taken an interest in....uhhhhh....ahem....internet porn.

My wife asked me if I looked at porn when I was his age, and I honestly don't remember if I did. But, as I told her, if I did look at porn, I certainly didn't have the readily access to it that he does in this age of computers, iPods, laptops, etc. I told her that if I wanted to look at porn, I had to look at magazines - which, in hindsight, really sucks compared to what options are available now.

So, now I get to have "the talk" with him. I get to try to explain to him what I actually know about women, which is very little, and what he and his body are going through. I also get to try to explain what is going on in the video's & pictures he has seen and how women should be respected & treated.

I never really had "the talk" with my dad, so I'm looking for a little guidance from those of you that have been through this with a child.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by Mr. Plow

But, it is what it is. I wouldn't change the way things have happened in my life, but I hope that I can get him to understand (as he gets older) that the consequences of having sex can alter your entire life - as they did for my wife & I.

Uh Eddie... If u turned out just fine. Don't you think you're not a good example to use? Just keep it real with him to keep things simple. Tellem there's consequences but don't tellem u had him too young.

[healthpellets]

Originally Posted by Jilly

I have no idea if you are a church going person or not, but in our denomination we have an actual "sex camp" for kids a year older than him, that teaches kids not the whole True Love Waits curriculum, but a more rational understanding of sex and what it means to be God's creation. The camp gives kids the tools they need to make sound decisions in regards to sexuality and also biologically teaches them about how their bodies work so that it normalizes those feelings that puberty brings on of attraction to others and fascination with masturbating, etc. You can PM me if you want some info on that, or if you want some of the tools the curriculum itself uses. I think what it teaches is life changing and empowering for young people.

look, i'm sure you're good intentioned and what not. but the last thing we need is irrational thought in a totally logical situation.

sex is a very easy subject to talk about. it's very basic on both a biological level and an emotional level. there's no reason to introduce abstract ideas such as God's love and "what it means to be God's creation". it just muddys the waters.

the last thing I want is my child learning about sex and how it relates to some abstract religious world view.

people have sex. my child will have sex. will he have it for the first time when he's 15, or 25? who knows. but what he needs is a thorough understanding of the physical and emotional consequences of the act.

he needs to know that teenage girls (at to a lesser extent, teenage boys) are very emotional creatures, and that when you have sex with a girl, especially if it's her first time, she's never going to leave you alone. ever. you're always going to be connected on that level. and that can be a very difficult situation to get out of.

the emotionality of it all is crazy enough without injecting any religious or moral overtones in to the situation.

[ClearmontChief]

When the oldest son was 13 or 14, my wife told me one day that she'd found a dirty magazine in his room and asked "what should we do?"

I thought for about a half second and asked her "was it pictures of girls?"

She, "yes"

Then I said, "Be happy he's looking at girls." That's about the best we could hope for I suppose.

We didn't confront him about it.

[Mr. Plow]

Originally Posted by wutamess

Uh Eddie... If u turned out just fine. Don't you think you're not a good example to use? Just keep it real with him to keep things simple. Tellem there's consequences but don't tellem u had him too young.

I want him to learn from what I've done. Like I said, I wouldn't change it - because of it I have him, his two brothers, his little sister, and my lovely wife. But I want him to have his time growing up that I didn't get.

[Brock]

Originally Posted by ClearmontChief

When the oldest son was 13 or 14, my wife told me one day that she'd found a dirty magazine in his room and asked "what should we do?"

I thought for about a half second and asked her "was it pictures of girls?"

She, "yes"

Then I said, "Be happy he's looking at girls." That's about the best we could hope for I suppose.

We didn't confront him about it.

As opposed to looking at what? Farm animals?

[Jilly]

Originally Posted by healthpellets

look, i'm sure you're good intentioned and what not. but the last thing we need is irrational thought in a totally logical situation.

sex is a very easy subject to talk about. it's very basic on both a biological level and an emotional level. there's no reason to introduce abstract ideas such as God's love and "what it means to be God's creation". it just muddys the waters.

the last thing I want is my child learning about sex and how it relates to some abstract religious world view.

people have sex. my child will have sex. will he have it for the first time when he's 15, or 25? who knows. but what he needs is a thorough understanding of the physical and emotional consequences of the act.

he needs to know that teenage girls (at to a lesser extent, teenage boys) are very emotional creatures, and that when you have sex with a girl, especially if it's her first time, she's never going to leave you alone. ever. you're always going to be connected on that level. and that can be a very difficult situation to get out of.

the emotionality of it all is crazy enough without injecting any religious or moral overtones in to the situation.

I could see how you might think that about it, however, the curriculum actually focuses more on anatomy and birth control.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by healthpellets

look, i'm sure you're good intentioned and what not. but the last thing we need is irrational thought in a totally logical situation.

sex is a very easy subject to talk about. it's very basic on both a biological level and an emotional level. there's no reason to introduce abstract ideas such as God's love and "what it means to be God's creation". it just muddys the waters.

the last thing I want is my child learning about sex and how it relates to some abstract religious world view.

people have sex. my child will have sex. will he have it for the first time when he's 15, or 25? who knows. but what he needs is a thorough understanding of the physical and emotional consequences of the act.

he needs to know that teenage girls (at to a lesser extent, teenage boys) are very emotional creatures, and that when you have sex with a girl, especially if it's her first time, she's never going to leave you alone. ever. you're always going to be connected on that level. and that can be a very difficult situation to get out of.

the emotionality of it all is crazy enough without injecting any religious or moral overtones in to the situation.

This. The world is not viewing it from religions eyes... Neither will my child. Other than the "meant to be good" no sex until marriage part. Religion will be heavily preached on that aspect

[ClearmontChief]

Originally Posted by Brock

As opposed to looking at what? Farm animals?

Seriously? That's your question?

As the father of a young man, I was happy that he found interest in the female (human) form!

Enough said...

[Mr. Plow]

Originally Posted by ClearmontChief

Seriously? That's your question?

As the father of a young man, I was happy that he found interest in the female (human) form!

Enough said...

I know what you're saying.

[Pablo]

Originally Posted by Metrolike

Man, if there was a way to somehow filter all the nasty shit out and just leave the pretty naked ladies posing, it would be nice. I don't have an 11 year old, but I think I would be OK with him checking nude girls out. I would not want him to get desensitized to all that sick shit until he was at least 15-16. This is tough, Hawk.

Yeah, he'll be looking up Brazilian fart porn by the time he's 13.

I had to jerk off to dial-up. Kids don't know how lucky they are these days.

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by Mr. Plow

I fully understand young boys are going to look at porn and there isn't a whole lot that I can do to stop it. He'll find a way because I know that I did and it's much easier to have access to it now.

Honestly, I want him to grow up understanding the correct way to treat women and the consequences of sex. He knows a little bit of the consequences because my wife & I had him at a very young at (me 21 / she 19). It took him a lot less time than I had hoped it would take him to figure out that he was born before we got married.

But, it is what it is. I wouldn't change the way things have happened in my life, but I hope that I can get him to understand (as he gets older) that the consequences of having sex can alter your entire life - as they did for my wife & I.

Point out that this would have disqualified him from the crown in most or all European countries during the Renaissance, and that he wouldn't want to have the same thing for his own child. Real life examples are the most effective teaching tools.

[Mr. Plow]

Originally Posted by PostRockPablo

Yeah, he'll be looking up Brazilian fart porn by the time he's 13.

I had to jerk off to dial-up. Kids don't know how lucky they are these days.

Holy shit. Everyone in the office just looked at me laughing. Rep.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by Mr. Plow

I want him to learn from what I've done. Like I said, I wouldn't change it - because of it I have him, his two brothers, his little sister, and my lovely wife. But I want him to have his time growing up that I didn't get.

Not to nag... but that's contradictory... You wouldn't change it because you're already living it. but you would because u missed your "growing up".

Life happens... It's just me but I think it might make him feel kinda "unwanted" so to speak. Or a sense of obligation (if that's the word I'm looking for). Just educate him without your own experience of making him think he's a problem you can't turn your back on.

[Ming the Merciless]

Good luck! You know, I remember those days....and back then it was much tougher to get ahold of 'jerk off' material...not trying to make light of it, but it seems like it is a normal natural thing for a kid to do...(masturbate)....My advice would be to try not to make a huge deal out of it, not put any shame on it ..You could try and control the websites that he goes to in order to make sure he isn't accessing the more hard core stuff, and maybe get him a penthouse or playboy to stash under his bed....I remember when my dad gave me a playboy to 'hide'...was one of the nicer things he ever did for me LOL.....

[Mr. Plow]

Originally Posted by wutamess

Not to nag... but that's contradictory... You wouldn't change it because you're already living it. but you would because u missed your "growing up".

Life happens... It's just me but I think it might make him feel kinda "unwanted" so to speak. Or a sense of obligation (if that's the word I'm looking for). Just educate him without your own experience of making him think he's a problem you can't turn your back on.

Trust me - I know what you are getting at and you are probably right. I know what I want to say on the subject, but just can't find the right words to describe it. And....if I can't describe it on here, I'd probably do the opposite of what I would want when talking to him.