Parenting advice needed: 13 yo female

[wutamess]

I know what to do with my younger ones because they're younger and I can discipline them pretty much at will but my 13 yo is at the age where she doesn't get spankings anymore.

So with her it's more punishments, etc. for the last 2 years or so.

Anyhow, reluctantly got her a phone for Xmas because of the wifes constant harping on the issue. I told wifey this is on her. So today I ask the daughter to clean the kitchen and empty out the dishwasher. After she left the kitchen I noticed eating utensils still in there. So I told her to clean it out. At that time, she had her phone in her hand.

I noticed she's been running to this phone a lot over the last couple of days. So she lays the phone down on the couch and I pick it up and go to my room to see what the "fun is all about".

When I initially gave her the phone, I told her not to call any boys, etc. I disabled text on the phone and web access but I knew kids act like prisoners and mind ways around everything.

So I went through her phone and she's been skyping a guy. Their conversation was basically useless until i saw that she must've been going out with the guy or something and she's trying to impress him to get his attention again but he doesn't seem interested anymore. Then she tells him about her cup size, how far she's been, etc.

Here's your answer Mr. Obvious next question: She's grinded on someone (while dancing at one of her previous schools dances). And she's french kissed someone. Haven't questioned her about it yet.

My question is... WTF do I do?

My initial gut feeling is to turn the phone off as I didn't really see a need for it anyways and it seems like more of a distraction/enabler more than anything. Besides, her friends all have cell phones if she needs to use one.

I'm more of a traditional raising parent. I think 13 is too young for a cell phone (NTTAWWT). I just think she needs one when she gets a car but not at the moment.

Don't really feel like looking dumb witty replies/smilies. Please keep it serious/mature for a moment before the shinanigans start..

Post (THE TALK) Update:
This morning...
So I had a lot of errands to do today so I told her to get ready we're about to go.

So we depart for a multitude of stores and while we're backing out of the garage the conversation goes like this...

Me: OK look... I'm going to need you to use the teenager voice right about now & not the lil shy voice. Use the voice you was using to (lil fugger).
Her: OK

Me: Are you ready for sex?
Her: No

Me: What's stopping you and why not?
Her: Becuase it'll hurt

Me: That's it?
Her: And because of AIDS and diseases

Me: So you're not ready because of AIDS and Diseases? So what are you ready for?
Her: IDK.. hugging and holding hands, and stuff.

Me: So if that's the case who was it you tongue kissed?
Her: Daddy I didn't tongue anyone, I was just saying that and the guy knew I was lying when I texted it.

Me: Looking at her (she knows she can tell me the truth).... Are you serious? You've never kissed anyone? REALLY?
Her: No! I've never kissed anyone.

Me: What about the time your sister and brother said you kissed so & so before?
Her: No I didn't kiss him or anyone. They're starting to kiss their boyfriends at school but I haven't kissed anyone.

Me: OK... not only do you have to worry about AIDS. You have to worry about herpes, gonereah, syphilis, HPV. Genital warts. 80% meaning 8 our of 10 people that have sex EVEN WITH CONDOMS have some form of HPV which causes cancer. So when you hear of people having cervical cancer, that's mainly the reason why they may have it. Hell your mother and I may have it. I've had an STD before so don't think it can't happen to you like I used to think it couldn't happen to me.

Me: And on a side note... Us guys are manipulative. You should never have to impress us. In the end, we only want one thing... We'll say we love you and make you even think it but we say it because all we want is to have sex with you. I've been there and done that and have had sexual encounters where I've used women. Once we think you're all in, we shit all over you. We don't want you because you're not a challenge to us anymore. The reason your auntie doesn't have a man because she's too available and guys take advantage of that. We want a challenge also, so just when you think you tell a guy you're not having sex, we look at it as a challenge to see how long we have to be in it til we have sex. That's all we think about. and we'll say and do anything to get it and use you until we get it.
Her (after I said much more to drive my point home): Do you love mama?

Me: Yes, that's a marriage. We were friends for years before everything. But make no mistake about it... I've never told a girl I loved her to get in her pants but I know plenty of guys that have. Then here's the kicker... Once you have sex with a guy that doesn't give a shit about you at school, he spreads the word to his friends. Then his friends try to get some from you. And if you have sex with one of his friends, you're immediately labeled a whore. Once you get the whore label, it's really hard to lose and you end up with a less pool of QUALITY boys to date. Real quality men want a woman/gf with morales.
Her: What's morales?

Me: It's a value system of being a good wholesome person. But if you don't have them in a man's eye, you'll attract nothing but losers.

Me: So do you understand about the importance of condoms?
Her: yes!

Me: Do you understand how sexting & sleeping with a guy can hurt your reputation?
Her: Yes!

Me: So do you have any questions?
Her: No.

Me: So when i gave you the phone, what'd I tell you?
Her: No boys.

Me: So why'd you do it?
Her: because I thought Skype didn't count
Me: REALLY? That you're final answer? If that's the case why'd you immediately just say no boys?
Her: Quiet.

I drove more points home but that was the basic conversation. Did I miss anything?
I was going to ask if she started touching herself but I really wouldn't gain anything from it by knowing so I 86'd the awkward conversation topic.
I look at that as a need to know basis. YUK!

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by luv

How old is the boy?

I assume they're all the same age. She's in 8th so I assume he's 8th grade as their conversation involved other classmates.

[Okie_Apparition]

You get transfered to Brazil and build a hut in the jungle...

[luv]

This is why I will never have kids. I must be way out of touch with reality. Yes, I had kissed a boy by 13, but talking about my cup size? Dating? 15 before either of those things happened.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by pr_capone

Yes because this is exactly what marriage is all about. Rubbing the other person's face in mistakes.

By all means wut, take marriage and parenting advice from Wendler.

! Ignored it soon as I seen it.

[Demonpenz]

I know this isn't quite the same, but when my two cats start to get out and wander I spray them with lemon juice

[Coach]

Originally Posted by luv

This is why I will never have kids. I must be way out of touch with reality. Yes, I had kissed a boy by 13, but talking about my cup size? Dating? 15 before either of those things happened.

Some people do the silliest things when they are kids. I mean, one time, I have drove 150 miles in a snowstorm to visit an old girlfriend (this was when I was in HS) that I loved.

Speaking of that, since you mentioned it, what's the cup size?

Kidding.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by Rams Fan

Don't you think it would be a bit awkward for her to have a talk like that with her? You'd make her feel like daddy's little girl(which isn't a bad thing). If I were in your shoes, I'd have your wife talk with her about what she's been doing. If I were you, I'd talk about the discipline.

What's the discipline? I did have my wife talk to her about it because I have no idea what a 13yo girl is thinking? But I feel the phone is an enabler. That's my only discipline tool.

How do you discipline someone for doing things that are natural?

[Just Passin' By]

You could always get her one of the cell phones that only allow for calls to pre-programmed numbers.

[WebGem]

Mind your own business and stay out of your daughters IMO.

[notorious]

****.


I have this to look forward to in 10 years.





Good Luck Wutamess. I have no advice to give. What I am about to tell you is the only thing that is an absolute:


Lover her without fault or judgement. There really isn't anything that matters but family when it comes down to it.

[Jenson71]

Originally Posted by jspchief

It may mean more to her now.

And I don't mean the "bolt goes in the nut" talk.

I mean the "getting pregnant or a disease at 14 will f'ing destroy every part of your life that you currently enjoy".

I think that's a good approach, in my opinion. She's probably watched 16 and Pregnant on MTV.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by luv

Don't want details? Dating? She's 13!

Pants has a lot of points but I'll prolly get the details when I take her to Vball practice this week or so.

[Rams Fan]

Originally Posted by wutamess

What's the discipline? I did have my wife talk to her about it because I have no idea what a 13yo girl is thinking? But I feel the phone is an enabler. That's my only discipline tool.

How do you discipline someone for doing things that are natural?

I think it would depend on how much she admits to doing. If I were you, I'd take her phone away for two weeks minimum. Does she have a laptop or computer? Do you know is she used that all to send the pictures?

[cdcox]

It's tough. My daughter is 20, so I've been through what you're going through. There are no easy answers. You are going to have to feel your way and make mistakes, watch her make mistakes, and hope everyone comes out in one piece a the other end of the meat grinder. Here is my advice after having a tougher road than most, but not as tough as some:

1. She's not an adult yet, but she is on her way. In 5 years (not very long) she will be 18 and legally an adult. That transition doesn't magically happen the day she turns 18. It happens every day, starting now. You are going to have to start thinking about her in different ways.

2. You can't control her. She is her own person and as the years go by, will be away from the eyes of you and your wife more and more. She is going to do what she is going to do.

3. If you are always snooping in on her, she is going to turn on you. If you go spying, you aren't going to like everything you see. I would give her space and privacy unless you think she is doing something "big". See below.

4. Focus on the big stuff. You and your wife have to decide what the big things are.

5. You and your wife absolutely have to be on the same page. Your daughter's game (she's already working it) is going to be divide and conquer. You might have to give some ground on a small issue to get your wife to be rock solid on a big issue. Once your wife agrees to a boundary, hold her to it (in private, not in front of the daughter).

6. Establish important boundaries and stick to them. Make sure your daughter knows what those boundaries are and what the consequences are for violating them. She'll test you, so you need to follow through. Make sure the consequences are something realistic that you can follow through on.

7. Pray for miracles. You'll need them.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by jspchief

It may mean more to her now.

And I don't mean the "bolt goes in the nut" talk.

I mean the "getting pregnant or a disease at 14 will f'ing destroy every part of your life that you currently enjoy".

Last year at the kitchen table over dinner. Had the nitty gritty talk. Even told her about some terms she didn't even know existed. But I'll drive the point home on this go round. I do feel another talk is warranted.