Parenting advice needed: 13 yo female

[wutamess]

I know what to do with my younger ones because they're younger and I can discipline them pretty much at will but my 13 yo is at the age where she doesn't get spankings anymore.

So with her it's more punishments, etc. for the last 2 years or so.

Anyhow, reluctantly got her a phone for Xmas because of the wifes constant harping on the issue. I told wifey this is on her. So today I ask the daughter to clean the kitchen and empty out the dishwasher. After she left the kitchen I noticed eating utensils still in there. So I told her to clean it out. At that time, she had her phone in her hand.

I noticed she's been running to this phone a lot over the last couple of days. So she lays the phone down on the couch and I pick it up and go to my room to see what the "fun is all about".

When I initially gave her the phone, I told her not to call any boys, etc. I disabled text on the phone and web access but I knew kids act like prisoners and mind ways around everything.

So I went through her phone and she's been skyping a guy. Their conversation was basically useless until i saw that she must've been going out with the guy or something and she's trying to impress him to get his attention again but he doesn't seem interested anymore. Then she tells him about her cup size, how far she's been, etc.

Here's your answer Mr. Obvious next question: She's grinded on someone (while dancing at one of her previous schools dances). And she's french kissed someone. Haven't questioned her about it yet.

My question is... WTF do I do?

My initial gut feeling is to turn the phone off as I didn't really see a need for it anyways and it seems like more of a distraction/enabler more than anything. Besides, her friends all have cell phones if she needs to use one.

I'm more of a traditional raising parent. I think 13 is too young for a cell phone (NTTAWWT). I just think she needs one when she gets a car but not at the moment.

Don't really feel like looking dumb witty replies/smilies. Please keep it serious/mature for a moment before the shinanigans start..

Post (THE TALK) Update:
This morning...
So I had a lot of errands to do today so I told her to get ready we're about to go.

So we depart for a multitude of stores and while we're backing out of the garage the conversation goes like this...

Me: OK look... I'm going to need you to use the teenager voice right about now & not the lil shy voice. Use the voice you was using to (lil fugger).
Her: OK

Me: Are you ready for sex?
Her: No

Me: What's stopping you and why not?
Her: Becuase it'll hurt

Me: That's it?
Her: And because of AIDS and diseases

Me: So you're not ready because of AIDS and Diseases? So what are you ready for?
Her: IDK.. hugging and holding hands, and stuff.

Me: So if that's the case who was it you tongue kissed?
Her: Daddy I didn't tongue anyone, I was just saying that and the guy knew I was lying when I texted it.

Me: Looking at her (she knows she can tell me the truth).... Are you serious? You've never kissed anyone? REALLY?
Her: No! I've never kissed anyone.

Me: What about the time your sister and brother said you kissed so & so before?
Her: No I didn't kiss him or anyone. They're starting to kiss their boyfriends at school but I haven't kissed anyone.

Me: OK... not only do you have to worry about AIDS. You have to worry about herpes, gonereah, syphilis, HPV. Genital warts. 80% meaning 8 our of 10 people that have sex EVEN WITH CONDOMS have some form of HPV which causes cancer. So when you hear of people having cervical cancer, that's mainly the reason why they may have it. Hell your mother and I may have it. I've had an STD before so don't think it can't happen to you like I used to think it couldn't happen to me.

Me: And on a side note... Us guys are manipulative. You should never have to impress us. In the end, we only want one thing... We'll say we love you and make you even think it but we say it because all we want is to have sex with you. I've been there and done that and have had sexual encounters where I've used women. Once we think you're all in, we shit all over you. We don't want you because you're not a challenge to us anymore. The reason your auntie doesn't have a man because she's too available and guys take advantage of that. We want a challenge also, so just when you think you tell a guy you're not having sex, we look at it as a challenge to see how long we have to be in it til we have sex. That's all we think about. and we'll say and do anything to get it and use you until we get it.
Her (after I said much more to drive my point home): Do you love mama?

Me: Yes, that's a marriage. We were friends for years before everything. But make no mistake about it... I've never told a girl I loved her to get in her pants but I know plenty of guys that have. Then here's the kicker... Once you have sex with a guy that doesn't give a shit about you at school, he spreads the word to his friends. Then his friends try to get some from you. And if you have sex with one of his friends, you're immediately labeled a whore. Once you get the whore label, it's really hard to lose and you end up with a less pool of QUALITY boys to date. Real quality men want a woman/gf with morales.
Her: What's morales?

Me: It's a value system of being a good wholesome person. But if you don't have them in a man's eye, you'll attract nothing but losers.

Me: So do you understand about the importance of condoms?
Her: yes!

Me: Do you understand how sexting & sleeping with a guy can hurt your reputation?
Her: Yes!

Me: So do you have any questions?
Her: No.

Me: So when i gave you the phone, what'd I tell you?
Her: No boys.

Me: So why'd you do it?
Her: because I thought Skype didn't count
Me: REALLY? That you're final answer? If that's the case why'd you immediately just say no boys?
Her: Quiet.

I drove more points home but that was the basic conversation. Did I miss anything?
I was going to ask if she started touching herself but I really wouldn't gain anything from it by knowing so I 86'd the awkward conversation topic.
I look at that as a need to know basis. YUK!

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by cdcox

It's tough. My daughter is 20, so I've been through what you're going through. There are no easy answers. You are going to have to feel your way and make mistakes, watch her make mistakes, and hope everyone comes out in one piece a the other end of the meat grinder. Here is my advice after having a tougher road than most, but not as tough as some:

1. She's not an adult yet, but she is on her way. In 5 years (not very long) she will be 18 and legally an adult. That transition doesn't magically happen the day she turns 18. It happens every day, starting now. You are going to have to start thinking about her in different ways.

2. You can't control her. She is her own person and as the years go by, will be away from the eyes of you and your wife more and more. She is going to do what she is going to do.

3. If you are always snooping in on her, she is going to turn on you. If you go spying, you aren't going to like everything you see. I would give her space and privacy unless you think she is doing something "big". See below.

This is what I need... We don't mind her turning on us (I say that now). But I don't want to give her the space where we'll be grandparents raising a grandchild in our 30's. In my mind I'm thinking be on her like flies to shit and when she's 18 let her loose.

Once she's 18 she's an adult and we've done our jobs as far as held up our end of the bargain in raising a good kid. Wifey and I have never had an issue with being together on things and always talk things through and out of site of the kiddos.
I have to go through this 3 more times ! UGH!

[notorious]

Just have her lurk here for awhile.


Search "MTG-10", "Hootie", or "GoChiefs" and let her read away.


She will be so horrified by what she reads that she won't even want to get close to the opposite sex for years to come.


Of course, there is always the chance that she might go lesbian if you over-expose her to their threads and posts, so be careful.

[BigCatDaddy]

Wow, what a mess.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by Bowser

I get the whole "respect" thing, but have you made it crystal clear as to what the rules are when it comes to the phone? And as a parent of a 15 year old daughter, I can say with all confidence that if you drop the "YOU WILL NOT DO THIS UNDER MY ROOF, YOUNG LADY" bit on her, that she will find a way somehow to do just what it is you don't want her to do.

It's a juggling act to find the balance between being a protective parent and letting her have the freedom to come into her own.

And that was my point in not getting the phone in the first place. Wifey liked it because it could be restricted, but my sister was fuggin McGyver and I know these kids nowadays will find ways around all restrictions. I was and still am under the thinking that she doesn't need a phone until she's driving and can pay for her own bill.

[pr_capone]

Originally Posted by wutamess

In my mind I'm thinking be on her like flies to shit and when she's 18 let her loose.

Think of a spring. Hold that spring down and then all of a sudden let it go, it will shoot off in a random direction. If you instead let go of it slowly, it will typically stay right where you want it to.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by ClayWhit

Become a Jehovah's Witness, and have the elders talk with her.

OKAY!

[Buck]

Why don't you buy her an old shitty phone that doesn't have web access or apps? The pre-flip phone era ones.
Posted via Mobile Device

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by PornChief

tell her to bring the little dude around for a BBQ or something so you get to meet him at least. Trying to stop teen girls from talking to boys? Might as well try stop time and tide.

That's another thing... I don't want to meet my daughter's BF's. I know I have to but that's weird. First lil fugger that comes around with their pants hanging around their knees I'm going to blow a gasket and embarrass her. Really not prepared for the next 5 years.

[Tribal Warfare]

If you know any doc or cop buddies, have them take her on the tour of the E.R. that shit will scare her straight if she heard and saw some of the stories 1st hand that come out there concerning VD, rape, pregancy ect...

[jd1020]

Just start buying her baggy turtle necks and overalls. That will clear shit up real fast.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by Coach

Well, have you addressed simple ground rules on the phone? I mean, not like invading her privacy, but that she is aware of that you are paying for her phone, yes? Have you mentioned to your child that "I am giving you this phone, not because I have to, but I feel that you are more than responsble to have this phone. However, it's not a right, it's a privilege. We (you and your wife) are paying your phone bill for you, so for a fair trade off, if one of us asked you to do something, like the dishes or a simple chore, I believe you will be responsible to do those."

Have you addressed that, prior to giving her the phone?

No. It was more of a Xmas present. "No boys". Have fun.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by Jenson71

That show is probably a parent's dream as far as TV goes. Unfortunately, that same channel shows Skins, which glorifies that kind of stuff.

Parental restrictions is your friend.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by Buck

Why don't you buy her an old shitty phone that doesn't have web access or apps? The pre-flip phone era ones.
Posted via Mobile Device

hmmm... Possibility. Thought about it when I bought that one but Sprint didn't have one without a camera, so I said fuggit!

[BIG_DADDY]

Montel Williams just loves stories like this. I am sure he would probably let you on the show if you bring your daughter.

Seriously dude I think you are on the right track. At 13 she still needs you to be a dad and draw the line in the sand. I have a friend going through this with his 14 year old. The one thing I noticed that is different is the girls are WAY more aggressive than they were when we were kids.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by pr_capone

Think of a spring. Hold that spring down and then all of a sudden let it go, it will shoot off in a random direction. If you instead let go of it slowly, it will typically stay right where you want it to.

She's not totally restricted. She goes everywhere she wants to go (except to the local teenie nightclub she's been wanting to go to forever). We just like keep it limited to friends, etc. She goes to party's, etc. But we have an idea where she's supposed to be.