Parenting advice needed: 13 yo female

[wutamess]

I know what to do with my younger ones because they're younger and I can discipline them pretty much at will but my 13 yo is at the age where she doesn't get spankings anymore.

So with her it's more punishments, etc. for the last 2 years or so.

Anyhow, reluctantly got her a phone for Xmas because of the wifes constant harping on the issue. I told wifey this is on her. So today I ask the daughter to clean the kitchen and empty out the dishwasher. After she left the kitchen I noticed eating utensils still in there. So I told her to clean it out. At that time, she had her phone in her hand.

I noticed she's been running to this phone a lot over the last couple of days. So she lays the phone down on the couch and I pick it up and go to my room to see what the "fun is all about".

When I initially gave her the phone, I told her not to call any boys, etc. I disabled text on the phone and web access but I knew kids act like prisoners and mind ways around everything.

So I went through her phone and she's been skyping a guy. Their conversation was basically useless until i saw that she must've been going out with the guy or something and she's trying to impress him to get his attention again but he doesn't seem interested anymore. Then she tells him about her cup size, how far she's been, etc.

Here's your answer Mr. Obvious next question: She's grinded on someone (while dancing at one of her previous schools dances). And she's french kissed someone. Haven't questioned her about it yet.

My question is... WTF do I do?

My initial gut feeling is to turn the phone off as I didn't really see a need for it anyways and it seems like more of a distraction/enabler more than anything. Besides, her friends all have cell phones if she needs to use one.

I'm more of a traditional raising parent. I think 13 is too young for a cell phone (NTTAWWT). I just think she needs one when she gets a car but not at the moment.

Don't really feel like looking dumb witty replies/smilies. Please keep it serious/mature for a moment before the shinanigans start..

Post (THE TALK) Update:
This morning...
So I had a lot of errands to do today so I told her to get ready we're about to go.

So we depart for a multitude of stores and while we're backing out of the garage the conversation goes like this...

Me: OK look... I'm going to need you to use the teenager voice right about now & not the lil shy voice. Use the voice you was using to (lil fugger).
Her: OK

Me: Are you ready for sex?
Her: No

Me: What's stopping you and why not?
Her: Becuase it'll hurt

Me: That's it?
Her: And because of AIDS and diseases

Me: So you're not ready because of AIDS and Diseases? So what are you ready for?
Her: IDK.. hugging and holding hands, and stuff.

Me: So if that's the case who was it you tongue kissed?
Her: Daddy I didn't tongue anyone, I was just saying that and the guy knew I was lying when I texted it.

Me: Looking at her (she knows she can tell me the truth).... Are you serious? You've never kissed anyone? REALLY?
Her: No! I've never kissed anyone.

Me: What about the time your sister and brother said you kissed so & so before?
Her: No I didn't kiss him or anyone. They're starting to kiss their boyfriends at school but I haven't kissed anyone.

Me: OK... not only do you have to worry about AIDS. You have to worry about herpes, gonereah, syphilis, HPV. Genital warts. 80% meaning 8 our of 10 people that have sex EVEN WITH CONDOMS have some form of HPV which causes cancer. So when you hear of people having cervical cancer, that's mainly the reason why they may have it. Hell your mother and I may have it. I've had an STD before so don't think it can't happen to you like I used to think it couldn't happen to me.

Me: And on a side note... Us guys are manipulative. You should never have to impress us. In the end, we only want one thing... We'll say we love you and make you even think it but we say it because all we want is to have sex with you. I've been there and done that and have had sexual encounters where I've used women. Once we think you're all in, we shit all over you. We don't want you because you're not a challenge to us anymore. The reason your auntie doesn't have a man because she's too available and guys take advantage of that. We want a challenge also, so just when you think you tell a guy you're not having sex, we look at it as a challenge to see how long we have to be in it til we have sex. That's all we think about. and we'll say and do anything to get it and use you until we get it.
Her (after I said much more to drive my point home): Do you love mama?

Me: Yes, that's a marriage. We were friends for years before everything. But make no mistake about it... I've never told a girl I loved her to get in her pants but I know plenty of guys that have. Then here's the kicker... Once you have sex with a guy that doesn't give a shit about you at school, he spreads the word to his friends. Then his friends try to get some from you. And if you have sex with one of his friends, you're immediately labeled a whore. Once you get the whore label, it's really hard to lose and you end up with a less pool of QUALITY boys to date. Real quality men want a woman/gf with morales.
Her: What's morales?

Me: It's a value system of being a good wholesome person. But if you don't have them in a man's eye, you'll attract nothing but losers.

Me: So do you understand about the importance of condoms?
Her: yes!

Me: Do you understand how sexting & sleeping with a guy can hurt your reputation?
Her: Yes!

Me: So do you have any questions?
Her: No.

Me: So when i gave you the phone, what'd I tell you?
Her: No boys.

Me: So why'd you do it?
Her: because I thought Skype didn't count
Me: REALLY? That you're final answer? If that's the case why'd you immediately just say no boys?
Her: Quiet.

I drove more points home but that was the basic conversation. Did I miss anything?
I was going to ask if she started touching herself but I really wouldn't gain anything from it by knowing so I 86'd the awkward conversation topic.
I look at that as a need to know basis. YUK!

[Dante84]

Originally Posted by wutamess

I know... but they don't need to be talking on the phone... IMO. I don't care how much she needs to find herself. She has next year on (Freshman) to do all that.

The progression goes...
Talking on phone...
Then dating...

So not ready for dating at the 8th grade.
I'll keep my harshness on this one.

Highschool is where it gets a little crazy.

She will be around 18 year old young men with bad intentions. She will also be "competing" for attention with little Susie slut mouth, and will get her feelings hurt when she doesn't put out for the pimple faced asshole.

Lots of pressures will be on her, but trusting her dad, and knowing her dad trusts her is paramount for heading into this phase of life.

[Coach]

Originally Posted by wutamess

I know... but they don't need to be talking on the phone... IMO. I don't care how much she needs to find herself. She has next year on (Freshman) to do all that.

The progression goes...
Talking on phone...
Then dating...

So not ready for dating at the 8th grade.
I'll keep my harshness on this one.

If you were 13, and if your father/mother said the same thing to you, then how are you going to find yourself? How are you going to explore the other side of the gender? I'm not referring to sexually, but more of communication.

I think she is wanting to grow into as an adult, but when rules establish like no boys, it only frusterates her growth. And possibly the trust between you two.

Unless you want her to be like Claythan, then, well, more power to you.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by BIG_DADDY

There's always the I am sending you to an all girls school threat.

Nah... that's over doing it.
I guess it boils down to, starting to let her fly and spread her wings.
Just hope no "oopses" pop up in the process.

We'll talk and get an feeling for where things are going.

[Fat Elvis]

I have a 12 y/o daughter, and we gave her a cell phone for Christmas. I wouldn't recommend taking the phone away for good for a couple of reasons: 1) it was a gift, 2) since you let her go out with her friends, it will always provide you a way to contact her whenever you want- one of our conditions on our daughter having the phone was that she answer it whenever we call, and 3) a cell phone for a teen (or tween) daughter is the best leverage you will ever have in terms of discipline/consequences for bad behavior. Being grounded from the phone is worse than being grounded and not being able to go outside; you permanantly get rid of the phone and that option goes out the window quickly. The phone (and the possibility of losing access to it for periods of time) is a great way to modify t(w)een behavior.

I really don't think that your daughter has done anything really out of line for her age (I know it still drives you ape shit; it does me too). As a parent, it is important to have a continued and ongoing conversation about how important it is to respect our bodies, and what the consequences are if we don't do that, especially in this day and age. She probably knows the "nuts and bolts" of sex, but there is no way that she can possibly understand the implications and impacts of sex or presexual behavior. Make sure that she understands that she has ownership over her body, that it is more precious than anything any boy can offer her and to not give it up lightly. Also, make sure she understands that you want to meet any and every boy that she dates or spends time with; set clear understandings, boundaries and expectations with her.

You have to let her grow, but you don't have to let her grow up in one day, one week, one month or even one year; it is an ongoing process.

Good luck, those of us with daughters need it.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by Dante84

Highschool is where it gets a little crazy.

She will be around 18 year old young men with bad intentions. She will also be "competing" for attention with little Susie slut mouth, and will get her feelings hurt when she doesn't put out for the pimple faced asshole.

Lots of pressures will be on her, but trusting her dad, and knowing her dad trusts her is paramount for heading into this phase of life.

Dude... ! I don't want to know that's ahead.
That's where I think Wifey is going to come in HUGE.
Good thing is... next year is an all freshman school.
10-12 is HS.

[BIG_DADDY]

Originally Posted by wutamess

Nah... that's over doing it.
I guess it boils down to, starting to let her fly and spread her wings.
Just hope no "oopses" pop up in the process.

We'll talk and get an feeling for where things are going.

I'm sure you will do fine dude. You are a great father, much better than you probably give yourself credit for. You love her. She knows you love her. The fact that you are so concerned will come across and no girl really wants to let down a father like that. Best of luck to you brother.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by Coach

If you were 13, and if your father/mother said the same thing to you, then how are you going to find yourself? How are you going to explore the other side of the gender? I'm not referring to sexually, but more of communication.

I think she is wanting to grow into as an adult, but when rules establish like no boys, it only frusterates her growth. And possibly the trust between you two.

Unless you want her to be like Claythan, then, well, more power to you.

There's nothing she needs to talk with guys about over the phone right now. She can explore the other sex next year. She's not missing out on anything. She talks to the lil fuggers all day before, during and after school since she's in every activity known to man.

Make no mistake, she's a popular social butterfly. Not one of those kids in one of those shells.

[cdcox]

Originally Posted by wutamess

So "No Boys" doesn't establish a boundary?

You need a progression.

At this age, I'd say talking to boys is okay. School dances are okay. You are allowing normal interaction without too much opportunity for things to go too far. Yes she will probably do somethings you aren't comfortable with. All kids do.

Dating would be out for me until she was at least 15. You also want to limit times when she could be alone with a guy. Once her and her boyfriends have cars there is very little you can do except trust the upbringing you've given her. It is pretty much out of your control at that point. You could insist that she only go out with groups of friends, but if she wants to lie, that is easy enough to work around.

It's tough, I know.

[Gracie Dean]

Nip it in the bud. Do NOT let her start down that road at 13 Next she will be showing hiem way more than that.

[Gracie Dean]

Make yer give you her phone before she goes to bed and that you give it to her in the morning


OUr kid was caught texting all hours of the night and not sleeping

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by Fat Elvis

I have a 12 y/o daughter, and we gave her a cell phone for Christmas. I wouldn't recommend taking the phone away for good for a couple of reasons: 1) it was a gift, 2) since you let her go out with her friends, it will always provide you a way to contact her whenever you want- one of our conditions on our daughter having the phone was that she answer it whenever we call, and 3) a cell phone for a teen (or tween) daughter is the best leverage you will ever have in terms of discipline/consequences for bad behavior. Being grounded from the phone is worse than being grounded and not being able to go outside; you permanantly get rid of the phone and that option goes out the window quickly. The phone (and the possibility of losing access to it for periods of time) is a great way to modify t(w)een behavior.

I really don't think that your daughter has done anything really out of line for her age (I know it still drives you ape shit; it does me too). As a parent, it is important to have a continued and ongoing conversation about how important it is to respect our bodies, and what the consequences are if we don't do that, especially in this day and age. She probably knows the "nuts and bolts" of sex, but there is no way that she can possibly understand the implications and impacts of sex or presexual behavior. Make sure that she understands that she has ownership over her body, that it is more precious than anything any boy can offer her and to not give it up lightly. Also, make sure she understands that you want to meet any and every boy that she dates or spends time with; set clear understandings, boundaries and expectations with her.

You have to let her grow, but you don't have to let her grow up in one day, one week, one month or even one year; it is an ongoing process.

Good luck, those of us with daughters need it.

Great advice. Exactly what I'm looking for also. Why do I need to know/meet every lil fugger she dates? Isn't that one of those situations where "the guy she really likes" meets the parents? Not every Tom Dick and Hairy that's ultimately trying to do only one thing... Get in her pants!

[Dante84]

Originally Posted by wutamess

Dude... ! I don't want to know that's ahead.
That's where I think Wifey is going to come in HUGE.
Good thing is... next year is an all freshman school.
10-12 is HS.

That is so huge man. 13/14 year olds do NOT need to be hanging out with 18 year olds. That's a crime begging to be committed.

But my point was.... as bad as it is... you NEED to know what's ahead, or at least what could be ahead. Putting your head in the sand is only going to bite you in the ass.

But more than you needing to know whats ahead, she needs some idea so that she can tell whats an "okay" situation and whats a "not okay" situation.

How proud would you be if she said, "dad, this guy who pretended to like me said exactly what you told me he was going to! And i thought of what you said, and I told him to kick rocks!"

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by cdcox

You need a progression.

At this age, I'd say talking to boys is okay. School dances are okay.

She does all that. I'm sorry... you guys misunderstand... I mean "no boys" concerning the phone. No talking, texting, communications with boys with THAT phone nor the house phone.

[cdcox]

Originally Posted by wutamess

She does all that. I'm sorry... you guys misunderstand... I mean "no boys" concerning the phone. No talking, texting, communications with boys with THAT phone nor the house phone.

What is your reasoning on no phone talking? Maybe there is something I'm missing about this. I could see where if she did it for hours a day that could be a problem. But what about a half-an-hour a day?

[Fat Elvis]

Originally Posted by wutamess

Great advice. Exactly what I'm looking for also. Why do I need to know/meet every lil fugger she dates? Isn't that one of those situations where "the guy she really likes" meets the parents? Not every Tom Dick and Hairy that's ultimately trying to do only one thing... Get in her pants!

It lets her know that you are interested in her life no matter what. When she is out on her own and making all of her own decisions, she will bring "the guy she really likes" to meet the parents. Until that time, while she is under your roof, I think you owe it to her (and yourself) to know the people she is hanging out with- male or female.

Meeting the boy also sends a message to him- you screw up and you will have to deal with me. Make sure he understands that you expect him to respect your daughter (whether you express that verbally or not).