Life Parenting advice needed: 13 yo female - Page 14

wutamess · 08:45 PM

I know what to do with my younger ones because they're younger and I can discipline them pretty much at will but my 13 yo is at the age where she doesn't get spankings anymore.

So with her it's more punishments, etc. for the last 2 years or so.

Anyhow, reluctantly got her a phone for Xmas because of the wifes constant harping on the issue. I told wifey this is on her. So today I ask the daughter to clean the kitchen and empty out the dishwasher. After she left the kitchen I noticed eating utensils still in there. So I told her to clean it out. At that time, she had her phone in her hand.

I noticed she's been running to this phone a lot over the last couple of days. So she lays the phone down on the couch and I pick it up and go to my room to see what the "fun is all about".

When I initially gave her the phone, I told her not to call any boys, etc. I disabled text on the phone and web access but I knew kids act like prisoners and mind ways around everything.

So I went through her phone and she's been skyping a guy. Their conversation was basically useless until i saw that she must've been going out with the guy or something and she's trying to impress him to get his attention again but he doesn't seem interested anymore. Then she tells him about her cup size, how far she's been, etc.

Here's your answer Mr. Obvious next question: She's grinded on someone (while dancing at one of her previous schools dances). And she's french kissed someone. Haven't questioned her about it yet.

My question is... WTF do I do?

My initial gut feeling is to turn the phone off as I didn't really see a need for it anyways and it seems like more of a distraction/enabler more than anything. Besides, her friends all have cell phones if she needs to use one.

I'm more of a traditional raising parent. I think 13 is too young for a cell phone (NTTAWWT). I just think she needs one when she gets a car but not at the moment.

Don't really feel like looking dumb witty replies/smilies. Please keep it serious/mature for a moment before the shinanigans start..

Post (THE TALK) Update:
This morning...
So I had a lot of errands to do today so I told her to get ready we're about to go.

So we depart for a multitude of stores and while we're backing out of the garage the conversation goes like this...

Me: OK look... I'm going to need you to use the teenager voice right about now & not the lil shy voice. Use the voice you was using to (lil fugger).
Her: OK

Me: Are you ready for sex?
Her: No

Me: What's stopping you and why not?
Her: Becuase it'll hurt

Me: That's it?
Her: And because of AIDS and diseases

Me: So you're not ready because of AIDS and Diseases? So what are you ready for?
Her: IDK.. hugging and holding hands, and stuff.

Me: So if that's the case who was it you tongue kissed?
Her: Daddy I didn't tongue anyone, I was just saying that and the guy knew I was lying when I texted it.

Me: Looking at her (she knows she can tell me the truth).... Are you serious? You've never kissed anyone? REALLY?
Her: No! I've never kissed anyone.

Me: What about the time your sister and brother said you kissed so & so before?
Her: No I didn't kiss him or anyone. They're starting to kiss their boyfriends at school but I haven't kissed anyone.

Me: OK... not only do you have to worry about AIDS. You have to worry about herpes, gonereah, syphilis, HPV. Genital warts. 80% meaning 8 our of 10 people that have sex EVEN WITH CONDOMS have some form of HPV which causes cancer. So when you hear of people having cervical cancer, that's mainly the reason why they may have it. Hell your mother and I may have it. I've had an STD before so don't think it can't happen to you like I used to think it couldn't happen to me.

Me: And on a side note... Us guys are manipulative. You should never have to impress us. In the end, we only want one thing... We'll say we love you and make you even think it but we say it because all we want is to have sex with you. I've been there and done that and have had sexual encounters where I've used women. Once we think you're all in, we shit all over you. We don't want you because you're not a challenge to us anymore. The reason your auntie doesn't have a man because she's too available and guys take advantage of that. We want a challenge also, so just when you think you tell a guy you're not having sex, we look at it as a challenge to see how long we have to be in it til we have sex. That's all we think about. and we'll say and do anything to get it and use you until we get it.
Her (after I said much more to drive my point home): Do you love mama?

Me: Yes, that's a marriage. We were friends for years before everything. But make no mistake about it... I've never told a girl I loved her to get in her pants but I know plenty of guys that have. Then here's the kicker... Once you have sex with a guy that doesn't give a shit about you at school, he spreads the word to his friends. Then his friends try to get some from you. And if you have sex with one of his friends, you're immediately labeled a whore. Once you get the whore label, it's really hard to lose and you end up with a less pool of QUALITY boys to date. Real quality men want a woman/gf with morales.
Her: What's morales?

Me: It's a value system of being a good wholesome person. But if you don't have them in a man's eye, you'll attract nothing but losers.

Me: So do you understand about the importance of condoms?
Her: yes!

Me: Do you understand how sexting & sleeping with a guy can hurt your reputation?
Her: Yes!

Me: So do you have any questions?
Her: No.

Me: So when i gave you the phone, what'd I tell you?
Her: No boys.

Me: So why'd you do it?
Her: because I thought Skype didn't count
Me: REALLY? That you're final answer? If that's the case why'd you immediately just say no boys?
Her: Quiet.

I drove more points home but that was the basic conversation. Did I miss anything?
I was going to ask if she started touching herself but I really wouldn't gain anything from it by knowing so I 86'd the awkward conversation topic.
I look at that as a need to know basis. YUK!

R8RFAN · 02-13-2011, 12:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by L.A.Chieffan

i said she could go the social d concert the other nite and she didnt come back drunk or nothin

God bless you and her

Just hang tight a yr and get back to me....

P.S. My daughter is 14

**Donger** · 02-13-2011, 12:38 PM

The "problem" isn't the phone. Sounds like she's becoming active regardless of the phone.

Jenson71 · 02-13-2011, 12:47 PM

What would Chinese Tiger Mother do?

**ShortRoundChief** · 02-13-2011, 01:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by L.A.Chieffan

my job is to make sure she aint on the pole and my son aint on the pipe

Lol, I might recommend setting the bar a little higher.

**ShortRoundChief** · 02-13-2011, 01:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jenson71

What would Chinese Tiger Mother do?

The can't use phones. They have no thumbs.

ZepSinger · 02-13-2011, 01:51 PM

I also have a 13 yr.old daughter, and almost the same situation as yours occurred (although it didn't get past the 'have you ever kissed a boy?' stage). When we found out about it, we brought her into our bedroom and sat down to discuss the matter with her. We did not yell; we simply wore our 'serious' faces and told her that this was inappropriate conversation for a girl of her age.

She was initially mortified that we found out, and then became a bawling mess from embarrassment and shame. I really think that discussing the issue with her in love vs. screaming and the threat of punishment was the best way to go.

Of course, she knows now that at any time, I will ask who she's texting and will need to read the texts if I am suspicious in the slightest.

With 2 more daughters coming up after her, I expect to be 100% gray within 5 years.

Z

R8RFAN · 02-13-2011, 01:59 PM

how many of you all have daughters that erase every text they get and make when they come in?

Mine does, but right now we do not let her do much without mom and dad.
Thank God she does not like to do sleepovers...

**ShortRoundChief** · 02-13-2011, 02:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by R8ers

how many of you all have daughters that erase every text they get and make when they come in?

Mine does, but right now we do not let her do much without mom and dad.
Thank God she does not like to do sleepovers...

Me too, and she likes sleep overs.

R8RFAN · 02-13-2011, 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MotherLover

Me too, and she likes sleep overs.

see thats what worries me, my sister was 2 years younger than me and some of her friends were my age, now I never banged them when I was 12 or anything but I sure could have if I wouldn't have been scared....

I would not let her go to any sleepover a boy is at unless he is like 6 or 7

that includes 15-16 yr old boys, you are playing with fire if you do

**ShortRoundChief** · 02-13-2011, 02:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by R8ers

see thats what worries me, my sister was 2 years younger than me and some of her friends were my age, now I never banged them when I was 12 or anything but I sure could have if I wouldn't have been scared....

I would not let her go to any sleepover a boy is at unless he is like 6 or 7

that includes 15-16 yr old boys, you are playing with fire if you do

Yeah turns out that her buddy that she wants to spend the night at all the times parents are never there....and she has a 16 year old brother, I found that out and went and got her.

R8RFAN · 02-13-2011, 02:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MotherLover

Yeah turns out that her buddy that she wants to spend the night at all the times parents are never there....and she has a 16 year old brother, I found that out and went and got her.

hell no dude..... make the girls come to YOUR house then ...

Bad enough to have a horny 16 yr old in the house but a horny 16 yr old with no parents home? Not happening

NewChief · 02-13-2011, 03:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by L.A.Chieffan

i said she could go the social d concert the other nite and she didnt come back drunk or nothin

Mike Ness thanks you.

Rudy tossed tigger's salad · 02-13-2011, 03:45 PM

My mother once asked me if masturbated. I was 12. I told her that was gross and went to my room to masturbate.

Extra Point · 02-13-2011, 03:55 PM

IMO ZepSinger's right, and LAChieffan. See the floor? Ask how many friends she has that are pregnant? Put the serious face on, reinforce the talk. Her ceiling means a lot to you, as you want her to enjoy as much success as she can. Boys can be trouble, and we sure know how they think! 2 cents....

wutamess · 02-13-2011, 04:29 PM

OK, read the topic for the post talk update.
Critiques wanted.

Can't believe I'm that guy to ask CP for advice but thanks guys.
Great ideas and input.

02-12-2011, 11:11 PM
wutamess MVP Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Lee's Summit Casino cash: $4711637	Parenting advice needed: 13 yo female I know what to do with my younger ones because they're younger and I can discipline them pretty much at will but my 13 yo is at the age where she doesn't get spankings anymore. So with her it's more punishments, etc. for the last 2 years or so. Anyhow, reluctantly got her a phone for Xmas because of the wifes constant harping on the issue. I told wifey this is on her. So today I ask the daughter to clean the kitchen and empty out the dishwasher. After she left the kitchen I noticed eating utensils still in there. So I told her to clean it out. At that time, she had her phone in her hand. I noticed she's been running to this phone a lot over the last couple of days. So she lays the phone down on the couch and I pick it up and go to my room to see what the "fun is all about". When I initially gave her the phone, I told her not to call any boys, etc. I disabled text on the phone and web access but I knew kids act like prisoners and mind ways around everything. So I went through her phone and she's been skyping a guy. Their conversation was basically useless until i saw that she must've been going out with the guy or something and she's trying to impress him to get his attention again but he doesn't seem interested anymore. Then she tells him about her cup size, how far she's been, etc. Here's your answer Mr. Obvious next question: She's grinded on someone (while dancing at one of her previous schools dances). And she's french kissed someone. Haven't questioned her about it yet. My question is... WTF do I do? My initial gut feeling is to turn the phone off as I didn't really see a need for it anyways and it seems like more of a distraction/enabler more than anything. Besides, her friends all have cell phones if she needs to use one. I'm more of a traditional raising parent. I think 13 is too young for a cell phone (NTTAWWT). I just think she needs one when she gets a car but not at the moment. Don't really feel like looking dumb witty replies/smilies. Please keep it serious/mature for a moment before the shinanigans start.. Post (THE TALK) Update: This morning... So I had a lot of errands to do today so I told her to get ready we're about to go. So we depart for a multitude of stores and while we're backing out of the garage the conversation goes like this... Me: OK look... I'm going to need you to use the teenager voice right about now & not the lil shy voice. Use the voice you was using to (lil fugger). Her: OK Me: Are you ready for sex? Her: No Me: What's stopping you and why not? Her: Becuase it'll hurt Me: That's it? Her: And because of AIDS and diseases Me: So you're not ready because of AIDS and Diseases? So what are you ready for? Her: IDK.. hugging and holding hands, and stuff. Me: So if that's the case who was it you tongue kissed? Her: Daddy I didn't tongue anyone, I was just saying that and the guy knew I was lying when I texted it. Me: Looking at her (she knows she can tell me the truth).... Are you serious? You've never kissed anyone? REALLY? Her: No! I've never kissed anyone. Me: What about the time your sister and brother said you kissed so & so before? Her: No I didn't kiss him or anyone. They're starting to kiss their boyfriends at school but I haven't kissed anyone. Me: OK... not only do you have to worry about AIDS. You have to worry about herpes, gonereah, syphilis, HPV. Genital warts. 80% meaning 8 our of 10 people that have sex EVEN WITH CONDOMS have some form of HPV which causes cancer. So when you hear of people having cervical cancer, that's mainly the reason why they may have it. Hell your mother and I may have it. I've had an STD before so don't think it can't happen to you like I used to think it couldn't happen to me. Me: And on a side note... Us guys are manipulative. You should never have to impress us. In the end, we only want one thing... We'll say we love you and make you even think it but we say it because all we want is to have sex with you. I've been there and done that and have had sexual encounters where I've used women. Once we think you're all in, we shit all over you. We don't want you because you're not a challenge to us anymore. The reason your auntie doesn't have a man because she's too available and guys take advantage of that. We want a challenge also, so just when you think you tell a guy you're not having sex, we look at it as a challenge to see how long we have to be in it til we have sex. That's all we think about. and we'll say and do anything to get it and use you until we get it. Her (after I said much more to drive my point home): Do you love mama? Me: Yes, that's a marriage. We were friends for years before everything. But make no mistake about it... I've never told a girl I loved her to get in her pants but I know plenty of guys that have. Then here's the kicker... Once you have sex with a guy that doesn't give a shit about you at school, he spreads the word to his friends. Then his friends try to get some from you. And if you have sex with one of his friends, you're immediately labeled a whore. Once you get the whore label, it's really hard to lose and you end up with a less pool of QUALITY boys to date. Real quality men want a woman/gf with morales. Her: What's morales? Me: It's a value system of being a good wholesome person. But if you don't have them in a man's eye, you'll attract nothing but losers. Me: So do you understand about the importance of condoms? Her: yes! Me: Do you understand how sexting & sleeping with a guy can hurt your reputation? Her: Yes! Me: So do you have any questions? Her: No. Me: So when i gave you the phone, what'd I tell you? Her: No boys. Me: So why'd you do it? Her: because I thought Skype didn't count Me: REALLY? That you're final answer? If that's the case why'd you immediately just say no boys? Her: Quiet. I drove more points home but that was the basic conversation. Did I miss anything? I was going to ask if she started touching herself but I really wouldn't gain anything from it by knowing so I 86'd the awkward conversation topic. I look at that as a need to know basis. YUK! Last edited by wutamess; 02-13-2011 at 08:45 PM..
Posts: 8,290

02-13-2011, 12:38 PM	#197
Donger "Think BOOM!" Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: 33.675° N 106.475° W Casino cash: $6809900 VARSITY	The "problem" isn't the phone. Sounds like she's becoming active regardless of the phone. __________________ I think the young people enjoy it when I "get down," verbally, don't you?
Posts: 191,135

02-13-2011, 12:47 PM	#198
Jenson71 fides quaerens intellectum Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: United States Casino cash: $8330900	What would Chinese Tiger Mother do?
Posts: 15,986

02-13-2011, 01:51 PM	#201
ZepSinger Veteran Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Kansas City Casino cash: $10004900	I also have a 13 yr.old daughter, and almost the same situation as yours occurred (although it didn't get past the 'have you ever kissed a boy?' stage). When we found out about it, we brought her into our bedroom and sat down to discuss the matter with her. We did not yell; we simply wore our 'serious' faces and told her that this was inappropriate conversation for a girl of her age. She was initially mortified that we found out, and then became a bawling mess from embarrassment and shame. I really think that discussing the issue with her in love vs. screaming and the threat of punishment was the best way to go. Of course, she knows now that at any time, I will ask who she's texting and will need to read the texts if I am suspicious in the slightest. With 2 more daughters coming up after her, I expect to be 100% gray within 5 years. Z __________________ test
Posts: 2,740

02-13-2011, 01:59 PM	#202
R8RFAN Molôn Labé Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: North Carolina Casino cash: $8466872	how many of you all have daughters that erase every text they get and make when they come in? Mine does, but right now we do not let her do much without mom and dad. Thank God she does not like to do sleepovers...
Posts: 23,182

02-13-2011, 03:45 PM	#208
Rudy tossed tigger's salad Better than Nelson Join Date: Mar 2003 Casino cash: $10000400	My mother once asked me if masturbated. I was 12. I told her that was gross and went to my room to masturbate.
Posts: 17,356

02-13-2011, 03:55 PM	#209
Extra Point MVP Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Prairie Village, KS Casino cash: $10004900	IMO ZepSinger's right, and LAChieffan. See the floor? Ask how many friends she has that are pregnant? Put the serious face on, reinforce the talk. Her ceiling means a lot to you, as you want her to enjoy as much success as she can. Boys can be trouble, and we sure know how they think! 2 cents....
Posts: 7,845

02-13-2011, 04:29 PM	#210
wutamess MVP Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Lee's Summit Casino cash: $4711637	OK, read the topic for the post talk update. Critiques wanted. Can't believe I'm that guy to ask CP for advice but thanks guys. Great ideas and input.
Posts: 8,290