Confronting a cheater

[The Dude Abides]

Haven't been here in awhile, so check this out. Guess this could be related to the cheaters thread, but oh well. I had been seeing this woman for about 3 years. Everything was great, we got along, amazing sex, etc. But during this whole time, I live in Wichita, she in Newton, a 30 minute drive. She always had to visit me at my house because she lived with her ex. They had never been married, just dated for 9 years. Long story short, I saw the end coming, she was pulling away, as she had done before a few years ago, so I found where she lived and told her supposed ex the whole story of me and his woman. Oh yeah, they were very much together, he said. But he was a big puss and didn't get mad or anything. But needless to say, she got hysterical, said she hated me, i ruined her life, etc. I knew all this was going to happen anyway, but I just couldn't let her get away with her doing the whole player thing. So basically, what is your opinion on confronting the cheaters significant other?

Originally Posted by Katipan

You leave me little to argue with and thats annoying.

It's your fault your husband turned to drugs and alcohol. Had he married a Thai gal, he'd have never been in that situation.

[Jilly]

Originally Posted by DeezNutz

How could they not struggle?

They're constantly berated with shit like, "Is a size 4 fat?" and recurring images of criticized, "imperfect" celebs. It's a byproduct of the culture in which we live.

Turn on E for 5 minutes.

No excuse. Just reality. Parents have to do a lot to overcome this.

I think men have some part in this as well. Seems women need to start being valued for something other than their tits. I know I'm walking into a minefield right now and I know I am just as guilty as any guy of doing it, but even when guys talk to each other, they should have some responsibility in making sure women are valued for more.

Originally Posted by Saccogoo

Spot on with what? She wasn't getting the attention that she perceived she needed from her husband so she has an adulterous affair in order to fill that emotional void in her current relationship while still actively maintaining that said relationship? That's wisdom? That's what I should listen to? Am I missing something here?

I'm pretty sure she's owning her part in this or I would have zero tolerance for her at this point. You should forget about her failures because they're hers and she knows all about them.

What we should be learning from her posts is probably what she learned about herself. Intimacy was lacking from her relationship. Instead of intimacy she got violence and intimidation. That's not a basis for a healthy marriage whatsoever.

[Jilly]

Originally Posted by Saccogoo

Spot on with what? She wasn't getting the attention that she perceived she needed from her husband so she has an adulterous affair in order to fill that emotional void in her current relationship while still actively maintaining that said relationship? That's wisdom? That's what I should listen to? Am I missing something here?

So it's okay that he was just emotionally absent? doesn't he have some responsibility in being part of this covenant and if he isn't holding his end of the covenant, doesn't that break the covenant?

[Katipan]

Originally Posted by Jilly

I wonder why it is that so many women are not self confident and don't have self esteem? So much so that katipan or I would include myself are the exception to your rules?
Seems perhaps if you're the parent of a daughter, you might wonder about this?

I think it's because I like looking at women.
Really.

I think I'm not nuts in that way because when I see a pretty girl, I think "Oh wow, pretty girl." Like her asthetic beauty is art. Not competition. Her "value" has nothing to do with mine.

I find myself competing far more with men than I do with women.

Plus, honestly. How we look is the one thing we can't control. Maybe some adjustments, but ultimately you don't get to control what you look like. I'd much rather walk into a room and have the boys come running because I'm loads of fun to be around.

I don't know why you're not nuts that way, but I like it!

[DeezNutz]

Originally Posted by Jilly

I think men have some part in this as well. Seems women need to start being valued for something other than their tits. I know I'm walking into a minefield right now and I know I am just as guilty as any guy of doing it, but even when guys talk to each other, they should have some responsibility in making sure women are valued for more.

I know what you're saying.

The counter-argument for this, however, is that women shouldn't give a shit about what men think or say. A woman's individual sense of self worth should absolutely not be defined by a man.

This is a learned response, though. From an early age, women are often taught that the "happily ever after" involves finding the prince. Think classic Disney ending. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, but women need additional healthy models for what defines success.

Back to my manly roots: I value a woman's ass as much as her tits. I keed. Sort of.

[Demonpenz]

When mamma's happy, everyone is happy

[Iowanian]

Its a double edges sword....


The woman wants a guy to provide, meet her expectations in home, cars, possessions, lifestyle and vacations. He works, he works overtime, he picks up extra work to bring home what he thinks he needs to bring home to keep the family happy.

The wife gets board and pissed off and resentful that he's gone so much, that he's working. She feels neglected because he's working so damn hard to give her the things she said she needed, so she takes the car he bought her, drives to the bar and uses the clothing, new shoes and jewelry and latest stink bait, to "console" herself with some other man, who "really gets her"...

Its always the mans' fault.


I spent enough time running wild, in the bars and whatnot, that I've been around enough women to have some ideas how this works. I don't think I've ever met an aspiring tramp that ever said "My husband is nice, I'm just a pirate hooker"....they always blame the husband/boyfriend.

Men have our own set of problems...

[Katipan]

Originally Posted by Saccogoo

Spot on with what? She wasn't getting the attention that she perceived she needed from her husband so she has an adulterous affair in order to fill that emotional void in her current relationship while still actively maintaining that said relationship? That's wisdom? That's what I should listen to? Am I missing something here?

I don't believe Jilly is saying what I did was the brightest thing in the world, I believe she's agreeing with my mindset.

It not being all that different from other female mindsets.

At the end of the day, I made one guy very happy, and I found the courage to leave the unhappy guy. There were other options available but I was too scared. I have since rectified that.

I'm cool with that. I have to be.

[dirk digler]

Originally Posted by Iowanian

Its a double edges sword....


The woman wants a guy to provide, meet her expectations in home, cars, possessions, lifestyle and vacations. He works, he works overtime, he picks up extra work to bring home what he thinks he needs to bring home to keep the family happy.

The wife gets board and pissed off and resentful that he's gone so much, that he's working. She feels neglected because he's working so damn hard to give her the things she said she needed, so she takes the car he bought her, drives to the bar and uses the clothing, new shoes and jewelry and latest stink bait, to "console" herself with some other man, who "really gets her"...

You have met my ex-wife?

Seriously though you are pretty much correct.

Originally Posted by Katipan

Plus, honestly. How we look is the one thing we can't control. Maybe some adjustments, but ultimately you don't get to control what you look like.

I'm gonna disagree with you there. My wife wouldn't turn a lot of heads if she rolled out of bed, threw on some mom jeans and walked around town. But when she fixes her hair, puts on some tasteful face paint, and wears some fancy jeans with those smokin high heel boots then I look and every other dude looks as well.

[Katipan]

Originally Posted by Phobia

I'm pretty sure she's owning her part in this or I would have zero tolerance for her at this point. You should forget about her failures because they're hers and she knows all about them.

What we should be learning from her posts is probably what she learned about herself. Intimacy was lacking from her relationship. Instead of intimacy she got violence and intimidation. That's not a basis for a healthy marriage whatsoever.

I hurt everyone in the end. Even my kids. I've moved worlds since to try and make ammends. Some have allowed me to, some haven't.

[Katipan]

Originally Posted by Phobia

I'm gonna disagree with you there. My wife wouldn't turn a lot of heads if she rolled out of bed, threw on some mom jeans and walked around town. But when she fixes her hair, puts on some tasteful face paint, and wears some fancy jeans with those smokin high heel boots then I look and every other dude looks as well.

You always notice a production, baby.

Originally Posted by DeezNutz

I know what you're saying.

The counter-argument for this, however, is that women shouldn't give a shit about what men think or say. A woman's individual sense of self worth should absolutely not be defined by a man.

This is a learned response, though. From an early age, women are often taught that the "happily ever after" involves finding the prince. Think classic Disney ending.

They are? Not in the last 20-30 years, they're not. Women are wired so that their self-worth is defined by their family - their kids. That's why their maternal instinct is so unbelievable to we men.

Originally Posted by Katipan

I hurt everyone in the end. Even my kids. I've moved worlds since to try and make ammends. Some have allowed me to, some haven't.

I think it's cool that you'll openly discuss it. I share for two reasons:
1. Venting is healthy.
2. I hope somebody reading can learn something from my mistakes and life experience.