Parenting advice needed: 13 yo female

[wutamess]

I know what to do with my younger ones because they're younger and I can discipline them pretty much at will but my 13 yo is at the age where she doesn't get spankings anymore.

So with her it's more punishments, etc. for the last 2 years or so.

Anyhow, reluctantly got her a phone for Xmas because of the wifes constant harping on the issue. I told wifey this is on her. So today I ask the daughter to clean the kitchen and empty out the dishwasher. After she left the kitchen I noticed eating utensils still in there. So I told her to clean it out. At that time, she had her phone in her hand.

I noticed she's been running to this phone a lot over the last couple of days. So she lays the phone down on the couch and I pick it up and go to my room to see what the "fun is all about".

When I initially gave her the phone, I told her not to call any boys, etc. I disabled text on the phone and web access but I knew kids act like prisoners and mind ways around everything.

So I went through her phone and she's been skyping a guy. Their conversation was basically useless until i saw that she must've been going out with the guy or something and she's trying to impress him to get his attention again but he doesn't seem interested anymore. Then she tells him about her cup size, how far she's been, etc.

Here's your answer Mr. Obvious next question: She's grinded on someone (while dancing at one of her previous schools dances). And she's french kissed someone. Haven't questioned her about it yet.

My question is... WTF do I do?

My initial gut feeling is to turn the phone off as I didn't really see a need for it anyways and it seems like more of a distraction/enabler more than anything. Besides, her friends all have cell phones if she needs to use one.

I'm more of a traditional raising parent. I think 13 is too young for a cell phone (NTTAWWT). I just think she needs one when she gets a car but not at the moment.

Don't really feel like looking dumb witty replies/smilies. Please keep it serious/mature for a moment before the shinanigans start..

Post (THE TALK) Update:
This morning...
So I had a lot of errands to do today so I told her to get ready we're about to go.

So we depart for a multitude of stores and while we're backing out of the garage the conversation goes like this...

Me: OK look... I'm going to need you to use the teenager voice right about now & not the lil shy voice. Use the voice you was using to (lil fugger).
Her: OK

Me: Are you ready for sex?
Her: No

Me: What's stopping you and why not?
Her: Becuase it'll hurt

Me: That's it?
Her: And because of AIDS and diseases

Me: So you're not ready because of AIDS and Diseases? So what are you ready for?
Her: IDK.. hugging and holding hands, and stuff.

Me: So if that's the case who was it you tongue kissed?
Her: Daddy I didn't tongue anyone, I was just saying that and the guy knew I was lying when I texted it.

Me: Looking at her (she knows she can tell me the truth).... Are you serious? You've never kissed anyone? REALLY?
Her: No! I've never kissed anyone.

Me: What about the time your sister and brother said you kissed so & so before?
Her: No I didn't kiss him or anyone. They're starting to kiss their boyfriends at school but I haven't kissed anyone.

Me: OK... not only do you have to worry about AIDS. You have to worry about herpes, gonereah, syphilis, HPV. Genital warts. 80% meaning 8 our of 10 people that have sex EVEN WITH CONDOMS have some form of HPV which causes cancer. So when you hear of people having cervical cancer, that's mainly the reason why they may have it. Hell your mother and I may have it. I've had an STD before so don't think it can't happen to you like I used to think it couldn't happen to me.

Me: And on a side note... Us guys are manipulative. You should never have to impress us. In the end, we only want one thing... We'll say we love you and make you even think it but we say it because all we want is to have sex with you. I've been there and done that and have had sexual encounters where I've used women. Once we think you're all in, we shit all over you. We don't want you because you're not a challenge to us anymore. The reason your auntie doesn't have a man because she's too available and guys take advantage of that. We want a challenge also, so just when you think you tell a guy you're not having sex, we look at it as a challenge to see how long we have to be in it til we have sex. That's all we think about. and we'll say and do anything to get it and use you until we get it.
Her (after I said much more to drive my point home): Do you love mama?

Me: Yes, that's a marriage. We were friends for years before everything. But make no mistake about it... I've never told a girl I loved her to get in her pants but I know plenty of guys that have. Then here's the kicker... Once you have sex with a guy that doesn't give a shit about you at school, he spreads the word to his friends. Then his friends try to get some from you. And if you have sex with one of his friends, you're immediately labeled a whore. Once you get the whore label, it's really hard to lose and you end up with a less pool of QUALITY boys to date. Real quality men want a woman/gf with morales.
Her: What's morales?

Me: It's a value system of being a good wholesome person. But if you don't have them in a man's eye, you'll attract nothing but losers.

Me: So do you understand about the importance of condoms?
Her: yes!

Me: Do you understand how sexting & sleeping with a guy can hurt your reputation?
Her: Yes!

Me: So do you have any questions?
Her: No.

Me: So when i gave you the phone, what'd I tell you?
Her: No boys.

Me: So why'd you do it?
Her: because I thought Skype didn't count
Me: REALLY? That you're final answer? If that's the case why'd you immediately just say no boys?
Her: Quiet.

I drove more points home but that was the basic conversation. Did I miss anything?
I was going to ask if she started touching herself but I really wouldn't gain anything from it by knowing so I 86'd the awkward conversation topic.
I look at that as a need to know basis. YUK!

[Rams Fan]

Originally Posted by wutamess

We're very open (prolly too open) so it's not embarrassing for her to have to discuss it. Wifey found out the where/how she's doing things with.

Don't you think it would be a bit awkward for her to have a talk like that with her? You'd make her feel like daddy's little girl(which isn't a bad thing). If I were in your shoes, I'd have your wife talk with her about what she's been doing. If I were you, I'd talk about the discipline.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by pr_capone

The last thing you want to do is overreact to her budding sexuality. Have a conversation with the wife, then have a conversation with the kid. Time without the phone is likely warranted but flat shutting it down will only make her not want to talk you guys about sex in the future.

It's funny... because I know there's little we can do, but how do you tell someone that's curious to wait? The phone is just so NOT needed. and I don't really want to know when she's having sex. I mean, it'd be nice to know but for some reason. I'd rather not know at that age.

I'd just rather prevent it from happening as much as I can. My main issue with her though will get her confidence up about trying to impress boys. Might be talking to a deaf ear at the time but I gotta get it out.

[DaFace]

Antifreeze. You guys are slipping.
Posted via Mobile Device

[Coach]

Originally Posted by Chiefspants

Turning the phone off is going to do nothing for her except exacerbate the problem, however, I think there are a few effective ways to respond to the issue.

I think one thing you can do is take away her phone until her chores are completely done. Remind her that you're paying completely for the phone and she needs to do her share to earn it.

About the guy, things can get bad fast if she ever decided to send pictures of herself. There, you need to explain that anything she tells/shows the guy can be saved by that guy, and if the two ever get in a fight, he can show all of his friends and then they could show anyone in the area. Tell her that if she is going to use the phone you bought to have a relationship, then she needs to at least be honest with you about the relationship. Tell her that you don't want to know the details, just that you want to know the guy that's dating your daughter.

And..That's the best I got, I"m an eighteen year old guy, and these strategies seemed to work pretty well for my parents and I.

I agree with his comment on the things can get bad really fast if things goes bad. Especially with photos. Those things can find their way into the internet, and they are stuck there forever. Those things can be damning to her, especially if she is going to be able to get a real job at some point.

[luv]

Originally Posted by Chiefspants

Turning the phone off is going to do nothing for her except exacerbate the problem, however, I think there are a few effective ways to respond to the issue.

I think one thing you can do is take away her phone until her chores are completely done. Remind her that you're paying completely for the phone and she needs to do her share to earn it.

About the guy, things can get bad fast if she ever decided to send pictures of herself. There, you need to explain that anything she tells/shows the guy can be saved by that guy, and if the two ever get in a fight, he can show all of his friends and then they could show anyone in the area. Tell her that if she is going to use the phone you bought to have a relationship, then she needs to at least be honest with you about the relationship. Tell her that you don't want to know the details, just that you want to know the guy that's dating your daughter.

And..That's the best I got, I"m an eighteen year old guy, and these strategies seemed to work pretty well for my parents and I.

Don't want details? Dating? She's 13!

[BigRock]

If you want to get rid of the cell phone, just tell her that, for no real reason at all, you decided to go through her phone and look at the conversations she's been having. She'll never use it again.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by Superturtle

You need to have a conversation with Chris Hanson. Seriously. If she acts like this at 13 ****ing years old, you might have a problem. Of course, it could also be her "exaggerating" things in a way to make herself appear more attractive.

13 is about par for the course.
I got my first tongue around 13-15 range (in front of the church).
What planet you on?

[Hammock Parties]

I bet she would be more receptive if it came from her mom.

If it comes from dad it's just gonna be "Dad is being a bastard again! I'm gonna be a virgin forever!"

[jspchief]

Originally Posted by wutamess

We've had the talk years ago.

It may mean more to her now.

And I don't mean the "bolt goes in the nut" talk.

I mean the "getting pregnant or a disease at 14 will f'ing destroy every part of your life that you currently enjoy".

[Jenson71]

I wouldn't grill her about her grinding and french kissing. That's normal behavior for many at that age. Plus, she could be lying to impress him. If you brought it up, she'd likely feel awkward and really pissed off at you.

Disclaimer: not a parent.

[Rams Fan]

I remember when I was 13, there were rumors about 2 people having sex. And the guy involved said he had sex with the gal, but the gal denied it.

[Demonpenz]

Show Cassel's throwing motion and tell her this is what happens when you have sex too young. Have barf bags ready

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by jspchief

So what is the issue? The boy or the phone?

I can think of a lot of good reasons for a 13 year old to have a phone, mainly that she is always a call away, so no good reason for you to not know where she is and whats she's doing.

As for the boy... first you'd have to tell her you went through her phone which could be a whole other can of worms. The "how far she's been" sounds about right for her age, but it may be a good time to drive home your morals and remind her of the dangers of promiscuity.

Maybe something like increased monitoring of phone usage, taking the phone away for awhile.

She lives under our home. We pay the phone bill. So she has no privacy. We don't play the... "her space" game here.

[Coach]

wutamess, you are paying for the phone, correct?

Edit: Since you answered jsp's question, then I think you need to let her know that, "I'll give you one more chance. If I ask you to do something, please do it. I pay the phone for you, so it's fair for me to have you to do the chores that I have asked you. If you chose not to do what I have asked you to do, then I will have no choice but to disable the phone."

Let her know that you are paying the phone for her. She needs to realize that you are helping her, but she needs to hold up her end of the deal.

[Rams Fan]

Originally Posted by Jenson71

I wouldn't grill her about her grinding and french kissing. That's normal behavior for many at that age. Plus, she could be lying to impress him. If you brought it up, she'd likely feel awkward and really pissed off at you.

Disclaimer: not a parent.

This. I'd be more concerned if she sent any pictures of herself to the boy.