Marriage problems: First one to mention Anti-freeze wins

[Huffman83]

So....the wife is taking her 15 minute breather from a big fight in reference to finances. For the past 3 years, I've been the "bread winner." as in I pay the bills, buy dinner, entertainment...etc.

She has a lot of student loan dept that I was already aware of. However, some things I was not aware of initially was how much credit card debt she had due to her charging random shit to her credit card while she was a student.

Therefore I'm lucky to get $250 bucks a month from her in order to pay bills.

Between mortgage, insurance, utilities, entertainment, (cable,internet etc.) cell/phone bills. 58% of my earnings goes towards house bills. Not to mention food, gas and my own personal debt.

The wife gets a new job and is making more money. COOL!!!! Initially she states she'll be able to give me double of what she can. I'm still paying 45% of my monthly income. While she is only paying aprox 36 % of the bills. That's $500 bucks if you're still following.

I've been broke and barely able to make ends meet...and when the wife asks me to only give me $400 a month to help w/ bills and then we can start having kids in 2012. And I say no...that's bullshit, I'm at my wits end.

I'm still the asshole aren't I?

[DJ's left nut]

Originally Posted by Amnorix

Actually, I think your way (which is also mine) is old school, and alot more people do it the way Huffman describes.

Sometimes Women's Lib is really Fing stupid. I swear that's the root of this whole stupid thing.

There's nothing individual about a marriage when it gets right down to it. If you're out there spending money on things against your wife's will just because it's in 'your' account, the marriage is probably not long for this earth anyway.

I just see absolutely no utility in individual accounts. Work together on your expenses and there's just no reason why both parties can't still get their own stuff and have their own nights out with friends, etc... without resorting to something as juvenile as separate accounts.

It's like when I would put pencils across the car seat as a child so my sister didn't get on 'my side' of the seat. Nut up and work together.

[Frazod]

One other thing to think about - if you end up getting divorced, her ****ing lawyer damn sure won't see it as "my money" and "her money."

[Hootie]

I don't know what it is...

but a girlfriend is always a strain on me because I have "big man" complex and pay for EVERYTHING...

[DaFace]

I really have no idea what the answer would be, but I find myself being intensely curious about the answer is to the following question:

How do divorce rates compare between couples who use joint bank accounts and those who use separate accounts?

It would be a fascinating thing to know.

[notorious]

Originally Posted by DaFace

I really have no idea what the answer would be, but I find myself being intensely curious about the answer is to the following question:

How do divorce rates compare between couples who use joint bank accounts and those who use separate accounts?

It would be a fascinating thing to know.

I heard that money is the number 1 reason for divorce or marriage problems.

[DaFace]

Originally Posted by notorious

I heard that money is the number 1 reason for divorce or marriage problems.

Yeah, that's why I am curious. I've heard that as well, so it would be very interesting to know if one approach or the other yields better results (on average).

[Iowanian]

I think this issue isn't as much about money as it is trust. Trust and Respect come from honesty and are the key building blocks for success in this area IMO.

I don't really care what those that think that you should only have 1 account. There are good reasons to have separate accounts, but even when you do, its community money. We have online access, exchange pins etc....The bills are paid out of both accounts based on income, but if one would get short, the other mentions it, and transfers some greenbacks.

If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to hide.

I'm lucky to have a fiscally responsible and conservative wife, we both know the important bills come first, secondary bills and then fun.

My advice is, if you're upset, walk away for a while....Both of you calm down, come to the table later to discuss your issues as rationally as possible and find a workable solution. Good luck.

[Amnorix]

Well, certainly some wisdom in this thread already. El Borracho's point is certainly true. Noswad's system works if it works for you, though it's not one I'd recommend.

Here's the thing, in my opinion -- poll after poll shows that married couples fight as much or more about money than anything else in their relationship. Fights over money cause tremendous stress on a marriage, and can be one way the two partners are engaging in what is fundamentally a power struggle. It can also reflect a mentality of having one foot out the door which I think is very counterproductive to a successful marriage.

The first thing that needs to happen is full faith and trust in each other. Lay it all out there. You're married now, so if it's going to work, you need to have full disclosure on both sides. Here's what I make, here's what you make. Here are my deductions and here's my take home.

Then run through the debt. This is what I owe to whom.

Then run through the unavoidable monthly expenses. Figure out what are common to both of you (rent/mortgage, electrical, gas/heat, etc.).

I would recommend a common plan to pool the funds, and attack the debt as fast as possible, especially the CC debt which is a complete killer with the 18% interest or whatever. If you are paying interest, then use CC games to transfer balances if you're confident you can pay attention to the details and not get murdered.

Oh, and make a pact -- until all the CCs of both parties are paid, you cut up your cards. Can't use them. Cash only.

Once you are BOTH out of hock, you'll both be relieved of alot of stress.

At a more 30,000 foot level, I'd suggest adopting Ugly Duck's plan.

Originally Posted by Ugly Duck

Or... Pool the income, pay the bills, put some away & then figure out a reasonable amount of "disposable" dough. Split the "disposable" in half & dole it out in cash... no more credit cards. Can't get in trouble that way & there'll be nothing to argue about. Well... at least no more arguing about money...

Your current system to me is one I would call "recipe for divorce."

[notorious]

Originally Posted by DaFace

Yeah, that's why I am curious. I've heard that as well, so it would be very interesting to know if one approach or the other yields better results (on average).

This has "Government Research Grant" written all over it.


I am very curious as well. I believe that there is always a common root cause to every/any result, no matter what it might be.

[Amnorix]

Originally Posted by frazod

One other thing to think about - if you end up getting divorced, her ****ing lawyer damn sure won't see it as "my money" and "her money."

QFT.

[notorious]

Originally Posted by Iowanian

I'm lucky to have a fiscally responsible and conservative wife

It's great, isn't it!

[Pablo]

Originally Posted by The Meat Dragon

I don't know what it is...

but a girlfriend is always a strain on me because I have "big man" complex and pay for EVERYTHING...

I've been that way before. Not again.

The next one I get hooked up with is going to make more money than me. And we'll go from there. Not to say I want to free ride on my g/f's back, but I'll never have the "big man" complex again in life.

[Amnorix]

Originally Posted by DJ's left nut

Sometimes Women's Lib is really Fing stupid. I swear that's the root of this whole stupid thing.

There's nothing individual about a marriage when it gets right down to it. If you're out there spending money on things against your wife's will just because it's in 'your' account, the marriage is probably not long for this earth anyway.

I just see absolutely no utility in individual accounts. Work together on your expenses and there's just no reason why both parties can't still get their own stuff and have their own nights out with friends, etc... without resorting to something as juvenile as separate accounts.

It's like when I would put pencils across the car seat as a child so my sister didn't get on 'my side' of the seat. Nut up and work together.

I get that some couples have separate bank accounts for their own personal items. If both parties agreed to pool all their money but put a relatively small amount (as a percentage of net income) into their own accounts (presumably an equal amount for both people, regardless of who makes more), so they can buy each other gifts and spend on silly stuff, I get that.

But for the rest, I don't think it's juts women and women's lib who think of my money as mine, and yours as yours. It's a product of high divorce rates as much as anything else.

[Huffman83]

Originally Posted by Amnorix

I get that some couples have separate bank accounts for their own personal items. If both parties agreed to pool all their money but put a relatively small amount (as a percentage of net income) into their own accounts (presumably an equal amount for both people, regardless of who makes more), so they can buy each other gifts and spend on silly stuff, I get that.

But for the rest, I don't think it's juts women and women's lib who think of my money as mine, and yours as yours. It's a product of high divorce rates as much as anything else.

I see that as women's lib being responsible for the divorce rate.

[Param]

Originally Posted by Huffman83

So....the wife is taking her 15 minute breather from a big fight in reference to finances. For the past 3 years, I've been the "bread winner." as in I pay the bills, buy dinner, entertainment...etc.

She has a lot of student loan dept that I was already aware of. However, some things I was not aware of initially was how much credit card debt she had due to her charging random shit to her credit card while she was a student.

Therefore I'm lucky to get $250 bucks a month from her in order to pay bills.

Between mortgage, insurance, utilities, entertainment, (cable,internet etc.) cell/phone bills. 58% of my earnings goes towards house bills. Not to mention food, gas and my own personal debt.

The wife gets a new job and is making more money. COOL!!!! Initially she states she'll be able to give me double of what she can. I'm still paying 45% of my monthly income. While she is only paying aprox 36 % of the bills. That's $500 bucks if you're still following.

I've been broke and barely able to make ends meet...and when the wife asks me to only give me $400 a month to help w/ bills and then we can start having kids in 2012. And I say no...that's bullshit, I'm at my wits end.

I'm still the asshole aren't I?

Ut oh, you're messing with nesting.