Parenting advice needed: 13 yo female

[wutamess]

I know what to do with my younger ones because they're younger and I can discipline them pretty much at will but my 13 yo is at the age where she doesn't get spankings anymore.

So with her it's more punishments, etc. for the last 2 years or so.

Anyhow, reluctantly got her a phone for Xmas because of the wifes constant harping on the issue. I told wifey this is on her. So today I ask the daughter to clean the kitchen and empty out the dishwasher. After she left the kitchen I noticed eating utensils still in there. So I told her to clean it out. At that time, she had her phone in her hand.

I noticed she's been running to this phone a lot over the last couple of days. So she lays the phone down on the couch and I pick it up and go to my room to see what the "fun is all about".

When I initially gave her the phone, I told her not to call any boys, etc. I disabled text on the phone and web access but I knew kids act like prisoners and mind ways around everything.

So I went through her phone and she's been skyping a guy. Their conversation was basically useless until i saw that she must've been going out with the guy or something and she's trying to impress him to get his attention again but he doesn't seem interested anymore. Then she tells him about her cup size, how far she's been, etc.

Here's your answer Mr. Obvious next question: She's grinded on someone (while dancing at one of her previous schools dances). And she's french kissed someone. Haven't questioned her about it yet.

My question is... WTF do I do?

My initial gut feeling is to turn the phone off as I didn't really see a need for it anyways and it seems like more of a distraction/enabler more than anything. Besides, her friends all have cell phones if she needs to use one.

I'm more of a traditional raising parent. I think 13 is too young for a cell phone (NTTAWWT). I just think she needs one when she gets a car but not at the moment.

Don't really feel like looking dumb witty replies/smilies. Please keep it serious/mature for a moment before the shinanigans start..

Post (THE TALK) Update:
This morning...
So I had a lot of errands to do today so I told her to get ready we're about to go.

So we depart for a multitude of stores and while we're backing out of the garage the conversation goes like this...

Me: OK look... I'm going to need you to use the teenager voice right about now & not the lil shy voice. Use the voice you was using to (lil fugger).
Her: OK

Me: Are you ready for sex?
Her: No

Me: What's stopping you and why not?
Her: Becuase it'll hurt

Me: That's it?
Her: And because of AIDS and diseases

Me: So you're not ready because of AIDS and Diseases? So what are you ready for?
Her: IDK.. hugging and holding hands, and stuff.

Me: So if that's the case who was it you tongue kissed?
Her: Daddy I didn't tongue anyone, I was just saying that and the guy knew I was lying when I texted it.

Me: Looking at her (she knows she can tell me the truth).... Are you serious? You've never kissed anyone? REALLY?
Her: No! I've never kissed anyone.

Me: What about the time your sister and brother said you kissed so & so before?
Her: No I didn't kiss him or anyone. They're starting to kiss their boyfriends at school but I haven't kissed anyone.

Me: OK... not only do you have to worry about AIDS. You have to worry about herpes, gonereah, syphilis, HPV. Genital warts. 80% meaning 8 our of 10 people that have sex EVEN WITH CONDOMS have some form of HPV which causes cancer. So when you hear of people having cervical cancer, that's mainly the reason why they may have it. Hell your mother and I may have it. I've had an STD before so don't think it can't happen to you like I used to think it couldn't happen to me.

Me: And on a side note... Us guys are manipulative. You should never have to impress us. In the end, we only want one thing... We'll say we love you and make you even think it but we say it because all we want is to have sex with you. I've been there and done that and have had sexual encounters where I've used women. Once we think you're all in, we shit all over you. We don't want you because you're not a challenge to us anymore. The reason your auntie doesn't have a man because she's too available and guys take advantage of that. We want a challenge also, so just when you think you tell a guy you're not having sex, we look at it as a challenge to see how long we have to be in it til we have sex. That's all we think about. and we'll say and do anything to get it and use you until we get it.
Her (after I said much more to drive my point home): Do you love mama?

Me: Yes, that's a marriage. We were friends for years before everything. But make no mistake about it... I've never told a girl I loved her to get in her pants but I know plenty of guys that have. Then here's the kicker... Once you have sex with a guy that doesn't give a shit about you at school, he spreads the word to his friends. Then his friends try to get some from you. And if you have sex with one of his friends, you're immediately labeled a whore. Once you get the whore label, it's really hard to lose and you end up with a less pool of QUALITY boys to date. Real quality men want a woman/gf with morales.
Her: What's morales?

Me: It's a value system of being a good wholesome person. But if you don't have them in a man's eye, you'll attract nothing but losers.

Me: So do you understand about the importance of condoms?
Her: yes!

Me: Do you understand how sexting & sleeping with a guy can hurt your reputation?
Her: Yes!

Me: So do you have any questions?
Her: No.

Me: So when i gave you the phone, what'd I tell you?
Her: No boys.

Me: So why'd you do it?
Her: because I thought Skype didn't count
Me: REALLY? That you're final answer? If that's the case why'd you immediately just say no boys?
Her: Quiet.

I drove more points home but that was the basic conversation. Did I miss anything?
I was going to ask if she started touching herself but I really wouldn't gain anything from it by knowing so I 86'd the awkward conversation topic.
I look at that as a need to know basis. YUK!

[PornChief]

tell her to bring the little dude around for a BBQ or something so you get to meet him at least. Trying to stop teen girls from talking to boys? Might as well try stop time and tide.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by Coach

wutamess, you are paying for the phone, correct?

Edit: Since you answered jsp's question, then I think you need to let her know that, "I'll give you one more chance. If I ask you to do something, please do it. I pay the phone for you, so it's fair for me to have you to do the chores that I have asked you. If you chose not to do what I have asked you to do, then I will have no choice but to disable the phone."

Let her know that you are paying the phone for her. She needs to realize that you are helping her, but she needs to hold up her end of the deal.

So you think disabling the phone is too much? I tend to take these things out with a sledge hammer.

[Bowser]

Originally Posted by wutamess

She lives under our home. We pay the phone bill. So she has no privacy. We don't play the... "her space" game here.

I get the whole "respect" thing, but have you made it crystal clear as to what the rules are when it comes to the phone? And as a parent of a 15 year old daughter, I can say with all confidence that if you drop the "YOU WILL NOT DO THIS UNDER MY ROOF, YOUNG LADY" bit on her, that she will find a way somehow to do just what it is you don't want her to do.

It's a juggling act to find the balance between being a protective parent and letting her have the freedom to come into her own.

[WebGem]

Oh and kissing and grinding on a guy is as far as she's gone? Damn she's behind. Someone needs to show her a good time. Rams Fan, you're about her age...right?

[Rams Fan]

Originally Posted by wutamess

So you think disabling the phone is too much? I tend to take these things out with a sledge hammer.

I think disabling the phone would be too much. Taking it away for 2 weeks(minimum) should help her learn her lesson.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by notorious

****.


I have this to look forward to in 10 years.





Good Luck Wutamess. I have no advice to give. What I am about to tell you is the only thing that is an absolute:


Lover her without fault or judgement. There really isn't anything that matters but family when it comes down to it.

That's our motto. That's why I'm trying to keep her legs closed as ong as possible. I know it'll eventually happen but DAMN! WHY ME! NOOOOOO!

[Hammock Parties]

Become a Jehovah's Witness, and have the elders talk with her.

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by Jenson71

I think that's a good approach, in my opinion. She's probably watched 16 and Pregnant on MTV.

Yes she's watched them a ton before. I don't think she's having sex. I think she's only done what she texted him. She's still my goofy little girl though and I'm trying to keep it that way.

[notorious]

Originally Posted by wutamess

That's our motto. That's why I'm trying to keep her legs closed as ong as possible. I know it'll eventually happen but DAMN! WHY ME! NOOOOOO!

I will PM you in 10-14 years and ask for some advice. Be ready.



Godspeed.

[Rams Fan]

Originally Posted by WebGem

Oh and kissing and grinding on a guy is as far as she's gone? Damn she's behind. Someone needs to show her a good time. Rams Fan, you're about her age...right?

Nope. You son of a.....

[wutamess]

Originally Posted by Rams Fan

I think it would depend on how much she admits to doing. If I were you, I'd take her phone away for two weeks minimum. Does she have a laptop or computer? Do you know is she used that all to send the pictures?

Oh, they've been skyping/video chatting. I don't think she did or would send provocative pics but I'll mention that too when we do talk.

[JOhn]

If you figure it out let me know....seriously Mine turns 14 this month. All I know is doing the best I can.

[Coach]

Originally Posted by wutamess

So you think disabling the phone is too much? I tend to take these things out with a sledge hammer.

Well, have you addressed simple ground rules on the phone? I mean, not like invading her privacy, but that she is aware of that you are paying for her phone, yes? Have you mentioned to your child that "I am giving you this phone, not because I have to, but I feel that you are more than responsble to have this phone. However, it's not a right, it's a privilege. We (you and your wife) are paying your phone bill for you, so for a fair trade off, if one of us asked you to do something, like the dishes or a simple chore, I believe you will be responsible to do those."

Have you addressed that, prior to giving her the phone?

[Jenson71]

Originally Posted by wutamess

Yes she's watched them a ton before. I don't think she's having sex. I think she's only done what she texted him. She's still my goofy little girl though and I'm trying to keep it that way.

That show is probably a parent's dream as far as TV goes. Unfortunately, that same channel shows Skins, which glorifies that kind of stuff.

[Rams Fan]

Originally Posted by wutamess

Oh, they've been skyping/video chatting. I don't think she did or would send provocative pics but I'll mention that too when we do talk.

I'd take away her laptop for a few weeks, too, depending on what she admits to doing.