Life Parenting advice needed: 13 yo female - Page 9

wutamess · 08:45 PM

I know what to do with my younger ones because they're younger and I can discipline them pretty much at will but my 13 yo is at the age where she doesn't get spankings anymore.

So with her it's more punishments, etc. for the last 2 years or so.

Anyhow, reluctantly got her a phone for Xmas because of the wifes constant harping on the issue. I told wifey this is on her. So today I ask the daughter to clean the kitchen and empty out the dishwasher. After she left the kitchen I noticed eating utensils still in there. So I told her to clean it out. At that time, she had her phone in her hand.

I noticed she's been running to this phone a lot over the last couple of days. So she lays the phone down on the couch and I pick it up and go to my room to see what the "fun is all about".

When I initially gave her the phone, I told her not to call any boys, etc. I disabled text on the phone and web access but I knew kids act like prisoners and mind ways around everything.

So I went through her phone and she's been skyping a guy. Their conversation was basically useless until i saw that she must've been going out with the guy or something and she's trying to impress him to get his attention again but he doesn't seem interested anymore. Then she tells him about her cup size, how far she's been, etc.

Here's your answer Mr. Obvious next question: She's grinded on someone (while dancing at one of her previous schools dances). And she's french kissed someone. Haven't questioned her about it yet.

My question is... WTF do I do?

My initial gut feeling is to turn the phone off as I didn't really see a need for it anyways and it seems like more of a distraction/enabler more than anything. Besides, her friends all have cell phones if she needs to use one.

I'm more of a traditional raising parent. I think 13 is too young for a cell phone (NTTAWWT). I just think she needs one when she gets a car but not at the moment.

Don't really feel like looking dumb witty replies/smilies. Please keep it serious/mature for a moment before the shinanigans start..

Post (THE TALK) Update:
This morning...
So I had a lot of errands to do today so I told her to get ready we're about to go.

So we depart for a multitude of stores and while we're backing out of the garage the conversation goes like this...

Me: OK look... I'm going to need you to use the teenager voice right about now & not the lil shy voice. Use the voice you was using to (lil fugger).
Her: OK

Me: Are you ready for sex?
Her: No

Me: What's stopping you and why not?
Her: Becuase it'll hurt

Me: That's it?
Her: And because of AIDS and diseases

Me: So you're not ready because of AIDS and Diseases? So what are you ready for?
Her: IDK.. hugging and holding hands, and stuff.

Me: So if that's the case who was it you tongue kissed?
Her: Daddy I didn't tongue anyone, I was just saying that and the guy knew I was lying when I texted it.

Me: Looking at her (she knows she can tell me the truth).... Are you serious? You've never kissed anyone? REALLY?
Her: No! I've never kissed anyone.

Me: What about the time your sister and brother said you kissed so & so before?
Her: No I didn't kiss him or anyone. They're starting to kiss their boyfriends at school but I haven't kissed anyone.

Me: OK... not only do you have to worry about AIDS. You have to worry about herpes, gonereah, syphilis, HPV. Genital warts. 80% meaning 8 our of 10 people that have sex EVEN WITH CONDOMS have some form of HPV which causes cancer. So when you hear of people having cervical cancer, that's mainly the reason why they may have it. Hell your mother and I may have it. I've had an STD before so don't think it can't happen to you like I used to think it couldn't happen to me.

Me: And on a side note... Us guys are manipulative. You should never have to impress us. In the end, we only want one thing... We'll say we love you and make you even think it but we say it because all we want is to have sex with you. I've been there and done that and have had sexual encounters where I've used women. Once we think you're all in, we shit all over you. We don't want you because you're not a challenge to us anymore. The reason your auntie doesn't have a man because she's too available and guys take advantage of that. We want a challenge also, so just when you think you tell a guy you're not having sex, we look at it as a challenge to see how long we have to be in it til we have sex. That's all we think about. and we'll say and do anything to get it and use you until we get it.
Her (after I said much more to drive my point home): Do you love mama?

Me: Yes, that's a marriage. We were friends for years before everything. But make no mistake about it... I've never told a girl I loved her to get in her pants but I know plenty of guys that have. Then here's the kicker... Once you have sex with a guy that doesn't give a shit about you at school, he spreads the word to his friends. Then his friends try to get some from you. And if you have sex with one of his friends, you're immediately labeled a whore. Once you get the whore label, it's really hard to lose and you end up with a less pool of QUALITY boys to date. Real quality men want a woman/gf with morales.
Her: What's morales?

Me: It's a value system of being a good wholesome person. But if you don't have them in a man's eye, you'll attract nothing but losers.

Me: So do you understand about the importance of condoms?
Her: yes!

Me: Do you understand how sexting & sleeping with a guy can hurt your reputation?
Her: Yes!

Me: So do you have any questions?
Her: No.

Me: So when i gave you the phone, what'd I tell you?
Her: No boys.

Me: So why'd you do it?
Her: because I thought Skype didn't count
Me: REALLY? That you're final answer? If that's the case why'd you immediately just say no boys?
Her: Quiet.

I drove more points home but that was the basic conversation. Did I miss anything?
I was going to ask if she started touching herself but I really wouldn't gain anything from it by knowing so I 86'd the awkward conversation topic.
I look at that as a need to know basis. YUK!

suzzer99 · 02-13-2011, 12:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wutamess

Great advice. Exactly what I'm looking for also. Why do I need to know/meet every lil fugger she dates? Isn't that one of those situations where "the guy she really likes" meets the parents? Not every Tom Dick and Hairy that's ultimately trying to do only one thing... Get in her pants!

It's about being and staying engaged as an active part of as much of her life as possible. If it's just known from the get go the this is the policy for all boys, she won't be as inclined to rebel as if you try to selectively apply it.

Also as much as they push back, teenagers actually still crave that feeling that you want to know what they're up to and be part of their lives. Think of the most well-adjusted kids from your high school. They were usually the ones who did lots of activities in which their parents were also involved, and were still buddies with their parents to some degree (while the mal-adjusted kids were usually the opposite).

wutamess · 02-13-2011, 12:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cdcox

What is your reasoning on no phone talking? Maybe there is something I'm missing about this. I could see where if she did it for hours a day that could be a problem. But what about a half-an-hour a day?

Because I don't want to open that door just yet.
Next year yes... Not this year though.
Hell, if she's chatting about cup sizes and how far she's been with guys, that let's me know she's not ready to have conversations on the fon with boys at the moment.

See my progressions from previous post. Not rushing a thing.

They have nothing to discuss fruitful at the moment and it's an issue I'd rather not deal with at the moment.

wutamess · 02-13-2011, 12:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by suzzer99

Also as much as they push back, teenagers actually still crave that feeling that you want to know what they're up to and be part of their lives. Think of the most well-adjusted kids from your high school. They were usually the ones who did lots of activities in which their parents were also involved, and were still buddies with their parents to some degree (while the mal-adjusted kids were usually the opposite).

SPOT ON!

Makes hella sense!

soopamanluva · 02-13-2011, 12:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wutamess

Dude...

! I don't want to know that's ahead.
That's where I think Wifey is going to come in HUGE.
Good thing is... next year is an all freshman school.
10-12 is HS.

You in the Hickman District? I went there and i know they just started that.

Honestly. Don't really have much advise. I have to do it in 10 years and i know it will be the hardest part of raising a girl. She is going to 14, dab in the middle of puberty. You see her as daddy's little girl, and you will probably always see her that way, but truth of the matter is, She's growing up. in 2 years she'll be dating and going to proms etc. Its hard to sit back and watch your little girl become a woman.

As far as the phone, she broke a rule. You know she did but she doesn't know you know. Ask her, and see if she will be truthful with you. She has to know that you mean business. You set the boundary of "no boys", you have to follow it. Grounding her from the phone for 2 weeks seems reasonable. You aren't grounding her because of the kissing a boy, you're doing it because she broke the rule of communicating with the boy on the phone.

Thats all i have man...

wutamess · 02-13-2011, 12:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by soopamanluva

You in the Hickman District?

No. BS.

soopamanluva · 02-13-2011, 12:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cdcox

What is your reasoning on no phone talking? Maybe there is something I'm missing about this. I could see where if she did it for hours a day that could be a problem. But what about a half-an-hour a day?

She's probably not allowed to date so there is no need to be talking to them on he phone unless it was like a childhood friend

wutamess · 02-13-2011, 12:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by soopamanluva

She's probably not allowed to date so there is no need to be talking to them on he phone unless it was like a childhood friend

This

soopamanluva · 02-13-2011, 12:58 AM

I feel where you're coming from. Im dreading the day i have to deal with it. I just say if you taught her morals growing up all you need to do is reinforce them along the way and thats pretty much all you can do. Just let her know you care and you'll be there for her through good and bad. After that, you'll just have to sloooooowly start letting go. She's her own person and will ultimately do what she wants. Girls are sneaky as hell

suzzer99 · 02-13-2011, 12:59 AM

One thing that helped me was reading that teenagers brains aren't wired correctly yet. I forget all the details, but basically they're predisposed to all kinds of mood swings, impulsive behavior, judgement errors, bad ethical decisions, faulty reasoning, etc. For me anyway, putting it in that light helped me not take any of that stuff personally, or fear my kid was going to turn out that way.

Instead I looked at it more as a problem of how to get through to her w/o pushing her away or laying it on too thick. For example, one of my favorite moves is to tell some story about how stupid I was in HS on some point I want to get across to her. That way instead of a confrontational lecture, I get the same point across with an entertaining story. Luckily I ****ed up about every way imaginable in HS, and so have an endless repertoire of stories in this area.

To be sure, getting through to a teen is a very tricky problem, and a constantly moving target. But if you can eliminate the personal aspect, it becomes a little more manageable imo. Good luck!

**cdcox** · 02-13-2011, 01:06 AM

Ok, so you have a boundary that she wasn't to use her phone for talking to guys. She broke that. There needs to be a consequence. Two weeks without the phone sounds about right for a first offense.

My last advice would be to take some time now to think about your timetable with the progression of talking to boys on the phone, dating, curfews and the like. The whole process of your daughter growing up is going to be incredibly uncomfortable for you. There is really no escaping that feeling. So given that you are not going to like the process, what is the timeline for the progression? How are you going to manage your discomfort?

wutamess · 02-13-2011, 01:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cdcox

My last advice would be to take some time now to think about your timetable with the progression of talking to boys on the phone, dating, curfews and the like. The whole process of your daughter growing up is going to be incredibly uncomfortable for you. There is really no escaping that feeling. So given that you are not going to like the process, what is the timeline for the progression? How are you going to manage your discomfort?

Great point. I figure next year she'll be allowed to talk to boys... I'm guessing 10th grade she'll be dating.

I do know she had a bf earlier this year.

**Gonzo** · 02-13-2011, 02:22 AM

This is why I thank the 6 lb baby jesus every day that Lumpy and I didn't have a girl. Kids nowadays are having sexual relationships younger and younger every generation. That being said, there's really not a lot you can do but try to have a mature conversation with her and hope she's got a good enough head on her shoulders to do the right thing.
If you try to force your authority on her and punish her, etc. she'll just become more rebellious and likely act out.
Just my .02 man. Good luck with all that.
Posted via Mobile Device

Hootie · 02-13-2011, 03:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cdcox

As I said, my daughter is 20. She is no where near ready to support herself financially. But if she gets knocked up I'll help her give the child up for adoption. I won't support one of her kids and I won't help her with an abortion. If she doesn't want to give the child up for adoption, she can figure things out for herself. That is my boundary that I am comfortable with. Someone else's might be different. I hope I never need to resort to that contingency, but I have a plan in place if worse comes to worse.

Hmm...

I could see his at 17 or 18...

but 20?

20 is still young...but a child at 20 isn't something to really frown at...mistake or not.

16? 17? 18 even...? Yeah...I'd agree.

lets get back to this 20 year old daughter though...she into older guys?! Older guys with low ceilings?

Let me know.

big nasty kcnut · 02-13-2011, 03:25 AM

well tell her about the dangers of flirting but don't cut her nose off to spite her face. Let her have the phone but tell her that you love her and you just want to make she safe cause boys are always trying to make girls do uncomfortable things. Also she don't want any labels on her.

Hootie · 02-13-2011, 03:27 AM

the problem with teenage daughters is some of them develop extremely fast...

I mean, lets be honest...

This is going to scare everyone...when I was 16 I landed my first real girlfriend...she was a freshmen in high school and she could have easily passed as a senior looks wise...started her period when she was 12...very developed...basically the week she turned 15 we had been dating for 2 months or so and had "messed around" quite frequently...

at that point I was just happy to have landed the girl I had been after since the day I first saw her at school for the 1st time...I had yet to have a real girlfriend and she was the first girl I really had a HUGE crush on (before that I was more into fantasy baseball than girls)...

anyways I had no idea what the process of "messing around" was...I just assumed we were nowhere close to having sex...and then she basically demanded it one day (she was 15)...I didn't even have to push for it.

Fast forward 10 years and that girl and I are still decent enough friends...and she's not a slutty girl by any means (which surprises me a bit lol)...

She was just ahead of the curve when she was 15...15 mentally for sure...but physically? She was a woman at a very young age...

Shit I was 16.5 and she was just 15 and in terms of the "puberty process"...she was a full blown adult and I still couldn't grow a lick of facial hair.

02-12-2011, 11:11 PM
wutamess MVP Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Lee's Summit Casino cash: $4711637	Parenting advice needed: 13 yo female I know what to do with my younger ones because they're younger and I can discipline them pretty much at will but my 13 yo is at the age where she doesn't get spankings anymore. So with her it's more punishments, etc. for the last 2 years or so. Anyhow, reluctantly got her a phone for Xmas because of the wifes constant harping on the issue. I told wifey this is on her. So today I ask the daughter to clean the kitchen and empty out the dishwasher. After she left the kitchen I noticed eating utensils still in there. So I told her to clean it out. At that time, she had her phone in her hand. I noticed she's been running to this phone a lot over the last couple of days. So she lays the phone down on the couch and I pick it up and go to my room to see what the "fun is all about". When I initially gave her the phone, I told her not to call any boys, etc. I disabled text on the phone and web access but I knew kids act like prisoners and mind ways around everything. So I went through her phone and she's been skyping a guy. Their conversation was basically useless until i saw that she must've been going out with the guy or something and she's trying to impress him to get his attention again but he doesn't seem interested anymore. Then she tells him about her cup size, how far she's been, etc. Here's your answer Mr. Obvious next question: She's grinded on someone (while dancing at one of her previous schools dances). And she's french kissed someone. Haven't questioned her about it yet. My question is... WTF do I do? My initial gut feeling is to turn the phone off as I didn't really see a need for it anyways and it seems like more of a distraction/enabler more than anything. Besides, her friends all have cell phones if she needs to use one. I'm more of a traditional raising parent. I think 13 is too young for a cell phone (NTTAWWT). I just think she needs one when she gets a car but not at the moment. Don't really feel like looking dumb witty replies/smilies. Please keep it serious/mature for a moment before the shinanigans start.. Post (THE TALK) Update: This morning... So I had a lot of errands to do today so I told her to get ready we're about to go. So we depart for a multitude of stores and while we're backing out of the garage the conversation goes like this... Me: OK look... I'm going to need you to use the teenager voice right about now & not the lil shy voice. Use the voice you was using to (lil fugger). Her: OK Me: Are you ready for sex? Her: No Me: What's stopping you and why not? Her: Becuase it'll hurt Me: That's it? Her: And because of AIDS and diseases Me: So you're not ready because of AIDS and Diseases? So what are you ready for? Her: IDK.. hugging and holding hands, and stuff. Me: So if that's the case who was it you tongue kissed? Her: Daddy I didn't tongue anyone, I was just saying that and the guy knew I was lying when I texted it. Me: Looking at her (she knows she can tell me the truth).... Are you serious? You've never kissed anyone? REALLY? Her: No! I've never kissed anyone. Me: What about the time your sister and brother said you kissed so & so before? Her: No I didn't kiss him or anyone. They're starting to kiss their boyfriends at school but I haven't kissed anyone. Me: OK... not only do you have to worry about AIDS. You have to worry about herpes, gonereah, syphilis, HPV. Genital warts. 80% meaning 8 our of 10 people that have sex EVEN WITH CONDOMS have some form of HPV which causes cancer. So when you hear of people having cervical cancer, that's mainly the reason why they may have it. Hell your mother and I may have it. I've had an STD before so don't think it can't happen to you like I used to think it couldn't happen to me. Me: And on a side note... Us guys are manipulative. You should never have to impress us. In the end, we only want one thing... We'll say we love you and make you even think it but we say it because all we want is to have sex with you. I've been there and done that and have had sexual encounters where I've used women. Once we think you're all in, we shit all over you. We don't want you because you're not a challenge to us anymore. The reason your auntie doesn't have a man because she's too available and guys take advantage of that. We want a challenge also, so just when you think you tell a guy you're not having sex, we look at it as a challenge to see how long we have to be in it til we have sex. That's all we think about. and we'll say and do anything to get it and use you until we get it. Her (after I said much more to drive my point home): Do you love mama? Me: Yes, that's a marriage. We were friends for years before everything. But make no mistake about it... I've never told a girl I loved her to get in her pants but I know plenty of guys that have. Then here's the kicker... Once you have sex with a guy that doesn't give a shit about you at school, he spreads the word to his friends. Then his friends try to get some from you. And if you have sex with one of his friends, you're immediately labeled a whore. Once you get the whore label, it's really hard to lose and you end up with a less pool of QUALITY boys to date. Real quality men want a woman/gf with morales. Her: What's morales? Me: It's a value system of being a good wholesome person. But if you don't have them in a man's eye, you'll attract nothing but losers. Me: So do you understand about the importance of condoms? Her: yes! Me: Do you understand how sexting & sleeping with a guy can hurt your reputation? Her: Yes! Me: So do you have any questions? Her: No. Me: So when i gave you the phone, what'd I tell you? Her: No boys. Me: So why'd you do it? Her: because I thought Skype didn't count Me: REALLY? That you're final answer? If that's the case why'd you immediately just say no boys? Her: Quiet. I drove more points home but that was the basic conversation. Did I miss anything? I was going to ask if she started touching herself but I really wouldn't gain anything from it by knowing so I 86'd the awkward conversation topic. I look at that as a need to know basis. YUK! Last edited by wutamess; 02-13-2011 at 08:45 PM..
Posts: 8,290

02-13-2011, 12:58 AM	#128
soopamanluva Banned Join Date: Jan 2009 Casino cash: $10005147	I feel where you're coming from. Im dreading the day i have to deal with it. I just say if you taught her morals growing up all you need to do is reinforce them along the way and thats pretty much all you can do. Just let her know you care and you'll be there for her through good and bad. After that, you'll just have to sloooooowly start letting go. She's her own person and will ultimately do what she wants. Girls are sneaky as hell
Posts: 847

02-13-2011, 12:59 AM	#129
suzzer99 In Search of a Life Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: L.A. Casino cash: $-835716	One thing that helped me was reading that teenagers brains aren't wired correctly yet. I forget all the details, but basically they're predisposed to all kinds of mood swings, impulsive behavior, judgement errors, bad ethical decisions, faulty reasoning, etc. For me anyway, putting it in that light helped me not take any of that stuff personally, or fear my kid was going to turn out that way. Instead I looked at it more as a problem of how to get through to her w/o pushing her away or laying it on too thick. For example, one of my favorite moves is to tell some story about how stupid I was in HS on some point I want to get across to her. That way instead of a confrontational lecture, I get the same point across with an entertaining story. Luckily I ***ed up about every way imaginable in HS, and so have an endless repertoire of stories in this area. To be sure, getting through to a teen is a very tricky problem, and a constantly moving target. But if you can eliminate the personal aspect, it becomes a little more manageable imo. Good luck! Last edited by suzzer99; 02-13-2011 at 01:09 AM..*
Posts: 28,367

02-13-2011, 01:06 AM	#130
cdcox www.nfl-forecast.com Join Date: Sep 2000 Casino cash: $-618231	Ok, so you have a boundary that she wasn't to use her phone for talking to guys. She broke that. There needs to be a consequence. Two weeks without the phone sounds about right for a first offense. My last advice would be to take some time now to think about your timetable with the progression of talking to boys on the phone, dating, curfews and the like. The whole process of your daughter growing up is going to be incredibly uncomfortable for you. There is really no escaping that feeling. So given that you are not going to like the process, what is the timeline for the progression? How are you going to manage your discomfort?
Posts: 46,037

02-13-2011, 02:22 AM	#132
Gonzo Stuff & Things Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: The Yukon Casino cash: $10126924	This is why I thank the 6 lb baby jesus every day that Lumpy and I didn't have a girl. Kids nowadays are having sexual relationships younger and younger every generation. That being said, there's really not a lot you can do but try to have a mature conversation with her and hope she's got a good enough head on her shoulders to do the right thing. If you try to force your authority on her and punish her, etc. she'll just become more rebellious and likely act out. Just my .02 man. Good luck with all that. Posted via Mobile Device
Posts: 21,498

02-13-2011, 03:25 AM	#134
big nasty kcnut The pizza king of kansas Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: Somewhere in the u.s.a. Casino cash: $-2269100	well tell her about the dangers of flirting but don't cut her nose off to spite her face. Let her have the phone but tell her that you love her and you just want to make she safe cause boys are always trying to make girls do uncomfortable things. Also she don't want any labels on her. __________________ When it's grim, be the grim reaper and go get it. Adopt a chiefs Travis Kelce. You woke up the wrong mother****er!
Posts: 19,424

02-13-2011, 03:27 AM	#135
Hootie Banned Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Dallas, Texas Casino cash: $10004900	the problem with teenage daughters is some of them develop extremely fast... I mean, lets be honest... This is going to scare everyone...when I was 16 I landed my first real girlfriend...she was a freshmen in high school and she could have easily passed as a senior looks wise...started her period when she was 12...very developed...basically the week she turned 15 we had been dating for 2 months or so and had "messed around" quite frequently... at that point I was just happy to have landed the girl I had been after since the day I first saw her at school for the 1st time...I had yet to have a real girlfriend and she was the first girl I really had a HUGE crush on (before that I was more into fantasy baseball than girls)... anyways I had no idea what the process of "messing around" was...I just assumed we were nowhere close to having sex...and then she basically demanded it one day (she was 15)...I didn't even have to push for it. Fast forward 10 years and that girl and I are still decent enough friends...and she's not a slutty girl by any means (which surprises me a bit lol)... She was just ahead of the curve when she was 15...15 mentally for sure...but physically? She was a woman at a very young age... Shit I was 16.5 and she was just 15 and in terms of the "puberty process"...she was a full blown adult and I still couldn't grow a lick of facial hair.
Posts: 56,356