Gorilla Trapping.

[FAX]

Well, here's the problem as I see it. Bananas might work, but gorillas in the wild aren't used to finding them just laying on the ground. Gorillas are likely genetically inclined to climbing trees for those and distrustful of earth-bound bananas. Alternatively, using a sexually attractive female gorilla for bait is a possibility. Unfortunately, selecting an attractive female gorilla is difficult at best, I mean, how can you tell what a gorilla looks for in a girl? Flat nose? Sloping forehead?

Then, there's the problem of the trapping device itself. Do you use a big net and sling up the gorilla with snare ropes when he comes by? Or, do you use a bamboo box trap hung from the trees and drop it on the bugger? How fast are gorillas anyway? Anybody know? The one thing you don't want is an almost trapped, pissed off gorilla looking for the big joker that tried to catch him in a box.

I know that you, the Planeteers, are men of science and are well versed in the ways of metalurgy, explosives, and sexual tension. So, I figured that, if a guy wants to know how to trap a gorilla, this would be the best place to start. To that end, please advise as to the methods you would employ and thanks.

FAX

Disclaimers: Sorry if repost.

[DaFace]

I think you should post your life's tale from above in the break room, RM.

[Simplex3]

Originally Posted by DaFace

I think you should post your life's tale from above in the break room, RM.

Dude, be careful or your boss will find out you post here.

[Easy 6]

This is too easy, just have Clint Eastwood saunter up to said gorilla & have him say "Bes'n you come along quietly, les'n you wind up dead" *spit*

The gorilla will not EVEN think about going for his peacemaker & will in fact come along quietly.

[RJ]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

I just hope that, after sharing this, I can continue to be a part of this community and that you won’t hate me and kill me and make an ash tray out of my hand, just because I’m not like you.

Yeah, no problem Kevin....we accept you as you are.

Pssst, hey guys.....somebody get the mob together. I'll grab the torches.

[Iowanian]

I don't know about anyone else, but MY new mental image of bRainman is spot on. I rule.

[FAX]

Originally Posted by Iowanian

I don't know about anyone else, but MY new mental image of bRainman is spot on. I rule.

FAX

[Calcountry]

Why would a person want to trap a Gorilla anyway, just shoot the sunofabitch.

[bogie]

Originally Posted by Redrum_69

This is whats bad....

"Man is gorilla's only enemy. Because of the actions of male gorillas protecting their groups with such determination from hunters, humans developed a folklore about the ferocity of gorillas. Gorillas' defense of standing and chest-beating make them a perfect target. Like all tightly knit social groups, gorillas will defend their young. They defend them with their lives."


Also...FYI...the daily routine of gorillas....just for those who attempt to trap it:


6am-8am: Wake-up
8am-10am: Eat
10am-2pm: Eat, play, relax, sleep
2pm-5pm: Travel 300-6,000 feet - foraging on the way
5pm-6pm: Build nest
6pm-6am: Sleep

There's your answer. Go to his nest between 6pm and 6am and hit him in the head.

[morphius]

Originally Posted by Iowanian

The Iowanian bag of tricks contains a full body gorilla suit, complete with feet and hands. This pic doesn't do it justice.


Last fall, my brothers attempted a "sasquatch" hoax, and did the "bigfoot walk" in front of some trail cams.

This year, it will work better, and Shall be stupendous!

I'll be waiting for the reports of a short child sasquatch caught on tape in Iowa, lol

[kcfanintitanhell]

Two words...banana daquiri...strong, and lots of em. And wait for him to pass out.

[HonestChieffan]

This deserves to be bumped so we can hopefully reduce the Shula Rumors.

[Rain Man]

Okay, I've been giving this a lot of thought.

It's a very complicated problem, and in part, I think that's because we don't truly know the motive for trapping the gorilla. Do we want to eat gorilla burgers? Is the gorilla trampling our suburban garden? Is it a man-eating gorilla that has kidnapped our wives or significant others? This is the first question that must be answered.

The second key question involves the gorilla itself. Do we want a graceful capture that does no harm to said gorilla? Or do we just need a gorilla in a box, and it doesn't matter whether the gorilla will need years of therapy afterward?

I propose a couple of plans that are based on varying scenarios.

Scenario 1. The "Environmentallly Sensitive Gentle Capture" Scenario.

Step 1. Do a study of gorilla habitats, global warming, and gorilla migration patterns. Identify a place that is not gorilla habitat, but where, 10 years from now, gorillas in search of food will migrate.

Step 2. Plant a bunch of bamboo so that, when mature, it will form an inpenetrable thicket that is so intertwined and interwoven that a gorilla cannot break through. Plant it in a maze pattern so that, when mature, it will form a maze that takes 12 hours to negotiate. (That part is important, as seen later.)

Step 3. When the bamboo has grown, it will create a maze that ends in a room. On the spot where that room will be, plant a bunch of the gorillas' favorite plants and shoots. Make sure to include aromatic plants that the gorillas can smell.

Step 4. Find a hiding spot and wait for 10 to 20 years while the bamboo grows.

Step 5. At some point, gorillas will migrate to the area in search of food. At that point, the bamboo maze will have tall, inpenetrable walls and an aromatic cornucopia of gorilla food at its terminus. Wait for a gorilla to enter.

Step 6. When the gorilla enters, run to the entrance and plant a bunch of that real fast-growing bamboo that grows 10 feet in 24 hours.

Step 7. Report capture of gorilla.

Scenario 2. The "Somewhat Environmentallly Sensitive Somewhat Gentle Capture" Scenario.

Do the same as Scenario 1, but shoot the gorilla with a tranquilizer gun as soon as it arrives in the area, and drag it into the maze.

Scenario 3. The "Environmentally Non-Sensitive, Non-Gentle Capture" Scenario.

Shoot the gorilla and drag it into a cage. This presumes that the gorilla need not be alive when trapped.

The above three are all related, but a more effective one could be below. I've seen this method work on higher-functioning simians a lot.

Scenario 4. The "Golden Handcuffs Capture" Scenario.

Hire a gorilla, and give it a job in a cubicle. Over the next few years, add benefits to the gorilla's compensation package that would be lost if the gorilla switched jobs, such as more vacation, a stock savings plan, and a more senior job title. At some point, the gorilla will realize that he shouldn't be sitting in a cubicle typing Excel spreadsheets, but at that point the gorilla will realize that, if he flees back to the jungle, he will lose all of his accrued sick leave, vacation time, and matching, along with the three newer gorillas who now report to them. Even though he desperately wants to leave, he'll stay to keep these benefits, gradually becoming more and more bitter and jaded as he realizes that he's trapped in his job.

I've seen it happen a million times.

[bogie]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

Okay, I've been giving this a lot of thought.

It's a very complicated problem, and in part, I think that's because we don't truly know the motive for trapping the gorilla. Do want to eat gorilla burgers? Is the gorilla trampling our suburban garden? Is it a man-eating gorilla that has kidnapped our wives or significant others? This is the first question that must be answered.

The second key question involves the gorilla itself. Do we want a graceful capture that does no harm to said gorilla? Or do we just need a gorilla in a box, and it doesn't matter whether the gorilla will need years of therapy afterward?

I propose a couple of plans that are based on varying scenarios.

Scenario 1. The "Environmentallly Sensitive Gentle Capture" Scenario.

Step 1. Do a study of gorilla habitats, global warming, and gorilla migration patterns. Identify a place that is not gorilla habitat, but where, 10 years from now, gorillas in search of food will migrate.

Step 2. Plant a bunch of bamboo so that, when mature, it will form an inpenetrable thicket that is so intertwined and interwoven that a gorilla cannot break through. Plant it in a maze pattern so that, when mature, it will form a maze that takes 12 hours to negotiate. (That part is important, as seen later.)

Step 3. When the bamboo has grown, it will create a maze that ends in a room. On the spot where that room will be, plant a bunch of the gorillas' favorite plants and shoots. Make sure to include aromatic plants that the gorillas can smell.

Step 4. Find a hiding spot and wait for 10 to 20 years while the bamboo grows.

Step 5. At some point, gorillas will migrate to the area in search of food. At that point, the bamboo maze will have tall, inpenetrable walls and an aromatic cornucopia of gorilla food at its terminus. Wait for a gorilla to enter.

Step 6. When the gorilla enters, run to the entrance and plant a bunch of that real fast-growing bamboo that grows 10 feet in 24 hours.

Step 7. Report capture of gorilla.

Scenario 2. The "Somewhat Environmentallly Sensitive Somewhat Gentle Capture" Scenario.

Do the same as Scenario 1, but shoot the gorilla with a tranquilizer gun as soon as it arrives in the area, and drag it into the maze.

Scenario 3. The "Environmentally Non-Sensitive, Non-Gentle Capture" Scenario.

Shoot the gorilla and drag it into a cage. This presumes that the gorilla need not be alive when trapped.

The above three are all related, but a more effective one could be below. I've seen this method work on higher-functioning simians a lot.

Scenario 4. The "Golden Handcuffs Capture" Scenario.

Hire a gorilla, and give it a job in a cubicle. Over the next few years, add benefits to the gorilla's compensation package that would be lost if the gorilla switched jobs, such as more vacation, a stock savings plan, and a more senior job title. At some point, the gorilla will realize that he shouldn't be sitting in a cubicle typing Excel spreadsheets, but at that point the gorilla will realize that, if he flees back to the jungle, he will lose all of his accrued sick leave, vacation time, and matching, along with the three newer gorillas who now report to them. Even though he desperately wants to leave, he'll stay to keep these benefits, gradually becoming more and more bitter and jaded as he realizes that he's trapped in his job.

I've seen it happen a million times.

Just wait till he's asleep and smack him in the head.

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by bogie

Just wait till he's asleep and smack him in the head.

That'll work, too.

[Zebedee DuBois]

Scenario 4 is inhumane.