Gorilla Trapping.

[FAX]

Well, here's the problem as I see it. Bananas might work, but gorillas in the wild aren't used to finding them just laying on the ground. Gorillas are likely genetically inclined to climbing trees for those and distrustful of earth-bound bananas. Alternatively, using a sexually attractive female gorilla for bait is a possibility. Unfortunately, selecting an attractive female gorilla is difficult at best, I mean, how can you tell what a gorilla looks for in a girl? Flat nose? Sloping forehead?

Then, there's the problem of the trapping device itself. Do you use a big net and sling up the gorilla with snare ropes when he comes by? Or, do you use a bamboo box trap hung from the trees and drop it on the bugger? How fast are gorillas anyway? Anybody know? The one thing you don't want is an almost trapped, pissed off gorilla looking for the big joker that tried to catch him in a box.

I know that you, the Planeteers, are men of science and are well versed in the ways of metalurgy, explosives, and sexual tension. So, I figured that, if a guy wants to know how to trap a gorilla, this would be the best place to start. To that end, please advise as to the methods you would employ and thanks.

FAX

Disclaimers: Sorry if repost.

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by Zebedee DuBois

Scenario 4 is inhumane.

Yeah. PETA would be all over that, and I don't blame them.

[RJ]

In a similar vein to #4 I was considering introducing a young gorilla just out of high school to an attractive but "loose" young female gorilla. Make certain the female isn't using birth control and, voila. Before the young male gorilla knows what happened he's changing diapers full of baby gorilla poop and doing indentured servitude in his father-in-law gorilla's AllApe insurance office. Two years later there's another rug monkey and that hot little lowlander is now 30 pounds overweight with a hairy butt. You can't remember the last time she ate your parasites and she's putting the same tasteless microwaved banana casserole on the table every night. And all that gorilla can think is....

It's like a jungle, sometimes it makes me wonder how I keep from going under....ooh ooh ooh...

There you have it, trapped gorilla.

[boogblaster]

Mr. FAX are you lonesome or just plain horny ..you know there's laws against porkin' your gorilla ....

[88TG88]

In case ur worried about the gorillas.

[ChiefFripp]

The mom from Goodtimes could be used as bait.

[boogblaster]

Time-Warp ape hunting..now there's a speciality hunt .....

[Stewie]

The gorilla trapping problem was solved in episode 21 of Gilligan's Island.

[greg63]

Originally Posted by FAX

...Unfortunately, selecting an attractive female gorilla is difficult at best, I mean, how can you tell what a gorilla looks for in a girl? Flat nose? Sloping forehead?...

I could be wrong but I'm just guessing that there's probably only one physical attribute that male gorilla's look for in a female.

[Dr. Johnny Fever]

Originally Posted by FAX

Alternatively, using a sexually attractive female gorilla for bait is a possibility. Unfortunately, selecting an attractive female gorilla is difficult at best, I mean, how can you tell what a gorilla looks for in a girl? Flat nose? Sloping forehead?

I always put a little lipstick on her... something understated... don't want her looking trampy... and a pretty dress with flowers and butterflys on it. Cut down to there. Works like a charm.

[greg63]

Originally Posted by beer me

I always put a little lipstick on her... something understated... don't want her looking trampy... and a pretty dress with flowers and butterflys on it. Cut down to there. Works like a charm.

Well, unless "trampy" is what the male gorilla is looking for; maybe try both looks to see which yields the best results.

[Dr. Johnny Fever]

Originally Posted by greg63

Well, unless "trampy" is what the male gorilla is looking for; maybe try both looks to see which yields the best results.

Yea... I'm just telling you what has worked for me.

Studies done at the University of Northeastern North Dakota have shown evidence that most gorilla males are more attracted to the classic beauty types than the more elusive "prostorilla" andiginous to the lusher jungles of midde western Zimbabwe and parts of Sudan.

[greg63]

Originally Posted by beer me

Yea... I'm just telling you what has worked for me.

Studies done at the University of Northeastern North Dakota have shown evidence that most gorilla males are more attracted to the classic beauty types than the more elusive "prostorilla" andiginous to the lusher jungles of midde western Zimbabwe and parts of Sudan.

[FAX]

Success!!!

Well, to be perfectly honest, it wasn't a gorilla, but some sort of strange hedgehog-looking deal with squinty eyes. I'm working my way up from mice to gorilla in increments.

Caught the noisy dude in a live trap (using carrot bait) under my deck sometime during the night. He looks pissed, but then again, so am I since (according to the beautiful and witty Mrs. FAX) I must now transport an angry hedgehog (or whatever it is) to another location.

I feel kind of bad, though. The little fella probably has a family and Mrs. Hedgehog is, no doubt, worried sick as are his little Hedge Children. How will they eat? Who will help them plan their vacations? Maybe I'll just let him go. He was making noise, but that might be better than dealing with my conscience.

FAX

[Hog's Gone Fishin]

Gorilla trapping is easy. Place the cage, cut a hole in the back end just large emough for your hand to stick through. Put on a rubber glove and place a jar of vaseline next to it. Stick your hand through and wait. When the gorilla comes running slam door shut. Caution : make sure cage is large enough for several gorillas as they.ve been known to come in three or four at a time using this method.

[FAX]

Okay. Final decision. I'm turning the hedgehog loose.

I did some research and found that a leading hedgehog expert from someplace has warned that, unless drastic steps are taken, hedgehogs could be totally wiped out by 2025. I can't participate in a hedgehog holocaust.

Home Depot has some stuff that you can spray around your yard that will supposedly keep hedgehogs away. I'm going that route and saving a hedgehog for the Earth.

FAX