Science Hypothetical: An Intruder In Your Home - Page 3

**Rain Man** · 08-22-2013, 09:34 PM

Here's the scenario.

After a long day at work, you come home to your tastefully appointed two-story suburban home. As you pull into the garage, you notice that your neighbors are home on both sides, and silently say thanks for your large yard since one of them is hard of hearing and has a Matlock rerun turned up at full volume, and the other is having another one of those weird parties where everyone shows up in leather and big stuffed animal costumes. But they're far enough away that you won't notice anything once you're inside.

Your significant other and any kids are out of town at a luge convention, so you have the house to yourself. You eat ribs and baked beans over the sink, play angry birds until your phone dies, and leave it in the living room to charge.

You watch a couple of old episodes of M*A*S*H (including one where Alan Alda talks about how senseless war is), and then decide to go upstairs to bed. You wander up, forgetting your phone, and brush your teeth.

You're just about to take off your shoes, and you hear a noise. A crash of broken glass. Then some scrabbling noises and there are footsteps downstairs. It's obvious that someone has broken in.

Ping!

You hear the distinctive sound of an aluminum baseball bat, followed by the sound of broken glass. Then again. And again. You hear drawers opening and closing. You hear a male voice muttering, "No one keeps cash in their house any more," and then hear the distinctive multi-dish crash of your china cabinet being pulled over.

You look around the room, and have the following weapons at your disposal.

- An 8-inch authentic bowie knife that you got during your vacation at the Alamo last year.

- A 28-inch wood baseball bat that you used to drive in the tying run in 8th grade Little League.

- A non-working but realistic-looking replica shotgun that you got on Home Shopping Network's "Tribute to Elmer Fudd" night.

You only have time to grab one weapon since they're all in display mounts on the wall.

You have no gun because your significant other is convinced that if you had a son he would look like Trayvon, and offered you a night that you could not refuse if you would take it to the police station and trade it in for tickets to the upcoming luge convention.

You hear footsteps coming up the stairs. The way the stairs are situated, you can hide behind a corner and get the element of surprise at close range just as the intruder reaches the top of the stairs, or you can stand in the middle of the room and have a 12-foot distance before the person comes into view. If you run toward the stairs, he'll be six steps from the top by the time you arrive.

Once the intruder comes up the stairs, you and he will be in the same room since your house has an open loft-style second floor. There's a closet in the room, and the only furniture is a futon and a couple of spartan Japanese stacking chests.

There is also a window that is open. A jump out the window will lead to a 12-foot fall onto a patio that will almost certainly break a leg but will not be fatal.

Thump. Thump. Thump. The footsteps are coming up the stairs.

What do you do? Assume that you are not a superhero or a ninja, and that you are merely yourself.

Poll coming.

**Rausch** · 08-23-2013, 07:40 AM

I have a rusty (but sharp) machete.

I'd prefer a WW2 German Luger.

I figure holding either one causes the intruder to think "aw $#it, this ****er ain't right..."

**Iowanian** · 08-23-2013, 07:56 AM

Simple.

I remove all of my clothing as danger brings me to full staff.
I calmly walk to the dresser where I put on my rabbit fur deer camp hat.
I pick up my Bad FutherMucker Wallet and a bottle of water.

I calmly stroll to the steps, breeze down the steps in near silence, sneak up behind the perp and drop my wallet in front of him and begin to recite a verse.....
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.....

At that point turns around to see me naked and angry and he truly knows...

Sandy Vagina · 08-23-2013, 08:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iowanian

Simple.

I remove all of my clothing as danger brings me to full staff.
I calmly walk to the dresser where I put on my rabbit fur deer camp hat.
I pick up my Bad FutherMucker Wallet and a bottle of water.

I calmly stroll to the steps, breeze down the steps in near silence, sneak up behind the perp and drop my wallet in front of him and begin to recite a verse.....
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.....

At that point turns around to see me naked and angry and knows....knows he's F'd.

Very good. Very, very good.

Molitoth · 08-23-2013, 08:13 AM

Classic.

blaise · 08-23-2013, 08:18 AM

Call out, "Anyone that comes to the top of these stairs is getting their head blown the hell off. I don't want to kill a man but I will." And hope he doesn't call your bluff.

**ShortRoundChief** · 08-23-2013, 08:20 AM

I have nothing to worry about. I have a sign that says I am armed (even though I'm not). I will never have to deal with an intruder.

Raiderhater · 08-23-2013, 08:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kaepernick

You forgot an option:

Shoot with spare gun hidden away from ball-and-chain.

Another option:

Divorce wife, keep gun.

This was going to be my response.

**ShortRoundChief** · 08-23-2013, 08:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blaise

Call out, "Anyone that comes to the top of these stairs is getting their head blown the hell off. I don't want to kill a man but I will." And hope he doesn't call your bluff.

And if he comes up?

Do you throw your wife at him to "blow his head off?"

**Saul Good** · 08-23-2013, 08:29 AM

The knife is the way to go in this scenario. Bats require too much space, and if you don't land the first shot clean, you're ****ed. Knives don't miss.

**digger** · 08-23-2013, 08:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iowanian

Simple.

I remove all of my clothing as danger brings me to full staff.
I calmly walk to the dresser where I put on my rabbit fur deer camp hat.
I pick up my Bad FutherMucker Wallet and a bottle of water.

I calmly stroll to the steps, breeze down the steps in near silence, sneak up behind the perp and drop my wallet in front of him and begin to recite a verse.....
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.....

At that point turns around to see me naked and angry and he truly knows...

"What?"

**Iowanian** · 08-23-2013, 08:37 AM

Say "What" again......

COchief · 08-23-2013, 08:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gochiefs(exceptQB)

I'd just throw the futon down the stairs. Gonna be hard to survive that.

Don't you mean "up the stairs"?

Mom's basement jokes never get old...

Sandy Vagina · 08-23-2013, 08:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Saul Good

The knife is the way to go in this scenario. Bats require too much space, and if you don't land the first shot clean, you're ****ed. Knives don't miss.

If the intruder is arriving at the top of the stairs, and you can't protect the home by swinging a bat at him in his precarious position? (not saying you).. then you need to buy a home monitoring alarm and a gun... and put bars up on all the windows... and reinforce the doors... and get a vicious guard dog.. and...

Sandy Vagina · 08-23-2013, 08:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by COchief

Don't you mean "up the stairs"?

Mom's basement jokes never get old...

also a winner!

MMXcalibur · 08-23-2013, 08:51 AM

My guard pug would have alerted me ahead of time. I push my wife and 4-month old in the closet and grab a part of the baby's crib to use as a club. Lock the bedroom door, barracade it with the dresser and call 911 from my cell phone.

Sorry, I'm not Rambo and my family's well being comes first.

View Poll Results: He's coming up the stairs. What do you do?
I hide at the top of the stairs and stab him with the Bowie knife with the element of surprise.	8	14.81%
I hide at the top of the stairs and bonk him in the face with the baseball bat with the element of surprise.	28	51.85%
I hide at the top of the stairs without a weapon and attempt to shove him down the stairs with the element of surprise.	1	1.85%
I stand 12 feet back in the room with the Bowie knife, ready to hold my ground and scare him off or capture him.	1	1.85%
I stand 12 feet back in the room with the baseball bat, ready to hold my ground and scare him off or capture him.	1	1.85%
I stand 12 feet back in the room with the fake shotgun, ready to hold my ground and scare him off or capture him.	1	1.85%
I stand 12 feet back in the room unarmed, ready to hold my ground and scare him off or capture him or reason with him.	0	0%
I go to the top of the stairs with the Bowie knife, and announce that I am holding my ground.	1	1.85%
I go to the top of the stairs with the baseball bat, and announce that I am holding my ground.	4	7.41%
I go to the top of the stairs with the fake shotgun, and announce that I am holding my ground.	1	1.85%
I go to the top of the stairs unarmed, and announce that I am holding my ground as a martial arts expert and former Army Ranger.	0	0%
I take the Bowie knife and hide in the closet hoping to avoid a confrontation.	0	0%
I take the baseball bat and hide in the closet hoping to avoid a confrontation.	0	0%
I take the fake shotgun and hide in the closet hoping to avoid a confrontation.	0	0%
I hide in the closet unarmed hoping to avoid a confrontation.	0	0%
I jump out the window to escape.	3	5.56%
I break into a song and dance with the intent to mesmerize him until I can make my escape.	2	3.70%
I stab myself with the Bowie knife so the idiot will get put away for murder.	3	5.56%
Voters: 54. You may not vote on this poll

08-22-2013, 09:34 PM
Rain Man Seize life. Be an ermine. Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: My house Casino cash: $-672449 VARSITY	Hypothetical: An Intruder In Your Home Here's the scenario. After a long day at work, you come home to your tastefully appointed two-story suburban home. As you pull into the garage, you notice that your neighbors are home on both sides, and silently say thanks for your large yard since one of them is hard of hearing and has a Matlock rerun turned up at full volume, and the other is having another one of those weird parties where everyone shows up in leather and big stuffed animal costumes. But they're far enough away that you won't notice anything once you're inside. Your significant other and any kids are out of town at a luge convention, so you have the house to yourself. You eat ribs and baked beans over the sink, play angry birds until your phone dies, and leave it in the living room to charge. You watch a couple of old episodes of MAS*H (including one where Alan Alda talks about how senseless war is), and then decide to go upstairs to bed. You wander up, forgetting your phone, and brush your teeth. You're just about to take off your shoes, and you hear a noise. A crash of broken glass. Then some scrabbling noises and there are footsteps downstairs. It's obvious that someone has broken in. Ping! You hear the distinctive sound of an aluminum baseball bat, followed by the sound of broken glass. Then again. And again. You hear drawers opening and closing. You hear a male voice muttering, "No one keeps cash in their house any more," and then hear the distinctive multi-dish crash of your china cabinet being pulled over. You look around the room, and have the following weapons at your disposal. - An 8-inch authentic bowie knife that you got during your vacation at the Alamo last year. - A 28-inch wood baseball bat that you used to drive in the tying run in 8th grade Little League. - A non-working but realistic-looking replica shotgun that you got on Home Shopping Network's "Tribute to Elmer Fudd" night. You only have time to grab one weapon since they're all in display mounts on the wall. You have no gun because your significant other is convinced that if you had a son he would look like Trayvon, and offered you a night that you could not refuse if you would take it to the police station and trade it in for tickets to the upcoming luge convention. You hear footsteps coming up the stairs. The way the stairs are situated, you can hide behind a corner and get the element of surprise at close range just as the intruder reaches the top of the stairs, or you can stand in the middle of the room and have a 12-foot distance before the person comes into view. If you run toward the stairs, he'll be six steps from the top by the time you arrive. Once the intruder comes up the stairs, you and he will be in the same room since your house has an open loft-style second floor. There's a closet in the room, and the only furniture is a futon and a couple of spartan Japanese stacking chests. There is also a window that is open. A jump out the window will lead to a 12-foot fall onto a patio that will almost certainly break a leg but will not be fatal. Thump. Thump. Thump. The footsteps are coming up the stairs. What do you do? Assume that you are not a superhero or a ninja, and that you are merely yourself. Poll coming.
Posts: 145,503

08-23-2013, 07:56 AM	#32
Iowanian Supporter Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Utopia Casino cash: $1668454	Simple. I remove all of my clothing as danger brings me to full staff. I calmly walk to the dresser where I put on my rabbit fur deer camp hat. I pick up my Bad FutherMucker Wallet and a bottle of water. I calmly stroll to the steps, breeze down the steps in near silence, sneak up behind the perp and drop my wallet in front of him and begin to recite a verse..... The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men..... At that point turns around to see me naked and angry and he truly knows... Last edited by Iowanian; 08-23-2013 at 08:04 AM..
Posts: 62,945

08-23-2013, 08:13 AM	#34
Molitoth Mahomes Fanboi Join Date: Apr 2004 Casino cash: $164969	Classic.
Posts: 20,299

08-23-2013, 08:18 AM	#35
blaise In Search of a Life Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Plano, TX Casino cash: $9989900	Call out, "Anyone that comes to the top of these stairs is getting their head blown the hell off. I don't want to kill a man but I will." And hope he doesn't call your bluff.
Posts: 22,189

08-23-2013, 08:20 AM	#36
ShortRoundChief Embrace the love Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Joplin Casino cash: $4067192	I have nothing to worry about. I have a sign that says I am armed (even though I'm not). I will never have to deal with an intruder.
Posts: 33,930

08-23-2013, 08:29 AM	#39
Saul Good Quit your bullshit Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Bored of winning Casino cash: $10052799	The knife is the way to go in this scenario. Bats require too much space, and if you don't land the first shot clean, you're ****ed. Knives don't miss. __________________ Today is not a good day to be a pussy.
Posts: 41,870

08-23-2013, 08:37 AM	#41
Iowanian Supporter Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Utopia Casino cash: $1668454	Say "What" again......
Posts: 62,945

08-23-2013, 08:51 AM	#45
MMXcalibur Pessimistically optimistic. Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Denver, CO Casino cash: $-144914	My guard pug would have alerted me ahead of time. I push my wife and 4-month old in the closet and grab a part of the baby's crib to use as a club. Lock the bedroom door, barracade it with the dresser and call 911 from my cell phone. Sorry, I'm not Rambo and my family's well being comes first.
Posts: 16,747